Latest: Diana verdict: She’s Still Dead

LONDON - England - The High Court today declared that Princess Diana is still dead and has been dead since 1996.

It has taken more than 90 days, 470 witnesses and a bill of £35 million to come to the conclusion that Diana Princess of Wales is still dead after many years of being buried underground in a grave.

The jury, after much heated deliberation, discarded the notion that Diana will be coming back anytime soon.

Outside the courthouse reporters and media personnel openly wept into their laptops at the awful news that stories about the late Princess Diana might be slowly winding down.

The lawyers who have been working on the groundbreaking case for the last ten years were also visibly distraught because the free for all money festival had finally ended. The lawyers were seen leaving the High Court in their top of the range Bentleys blubbering like tiny babies.

Lord Justice Scott Baker, who presided over one of the longest and
highest-profile inquests in British legal history, must hope, along with
most of the population, that the verdict will close the book on a ten-year

“The court hereby declares that Diana is not coming back to life and has been dead for quite some time now,” a spokesman for the court told the assembled throng of weeping reporters.

Surely this cannot be the end of all the Diana media stories and court cases? Watch this space, folks.