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STIRLING - Scotland - Scottish nationalists are furious that England will not allow them to use the pound sterling currency if they break away from the union.
LOCH NESS - Scotland - The Loch Ness monster was seen swimming off into the distance yesterday because it is on its annual Silly Season holiday.
EDINBURGH - Scotland - Tennis ace Andy Murray has been promised the Scottish crown if he wins Wimbledon this year by legislators guarding the Scot royal lineage.
GLASGOW - Scotland - Scottish scientists have come up with a novel way of preserving humans before they die so that they can live for thousands of years.
LONDON - England - The Prime Minister has lauded the destruction of the pound sterling currency after its value has fallen to its lowest levels yet.
FIFE - Scotland - Gordon Brown has warned that breaking up the United Kingdom would lead to the Scottish losing billions of pounds worth of benefits and welfare which they get from England.