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LONDON - England - Bullying Labour election campaigners are said to be recruiting as many thugs, hoodies and chav scum as they can find to man the polling booths when election day comes.
MANCHESTER - England - A North Manchester school has failed to break all previous stab records today after a frenzied competition at the school's annual Egg and Knife race.
LONDON - England - Teenage murderers, cut throats, slashers and shooters will escape any punishment if they agree to say sorry 'on the spot' under a proposed scheme.
LONDON - England - Amid the frenzied mass stabbing event that is occurring in England at the moment, tourists entering the UK are being advised by embassies and the Home Office to wear stab vests whilst in the country.
LONDON - England - Pete Doherty is back in jail today. He is glad to be back in the UK prison system and proclaims the crack cocaine and heroin is actually much purer than the street.
MANCHESTER - England - Twelve year old schoolboy, Kev Peters is today in hiding all because he has not been involved in enough stabbings like the other boys in his school.