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Rioters Awarded ASBOs and Praised For Excellent Rioting Skills

LONDON - England - The capital's rioters were all awarded ASBO trophies and had their benefits increased yesterday by makeshift courts. They were further praised for their courage for rioting under adverse conditions.

“The boys and girls continued to riot even during adverse conditions with fires burning and police men standing around. They are brave and this is why we have awarded them ASBOs as well as community service trips to Alton Towers,” Judge Letof Dacriminel, told Sky news.

The courts were full all night processing the many cases after the riots had ended.

Councillor Judith Socilistie, told the BBC: “I praise the judges who have awarded these teenagers with Anti Social Order trophies because it will be a badge of honour for them, something they can put on their mantlepiece and show to all of their friends. It is also good news that these disadvantaged souls will also have all their benefits increased by large amounts. The message here is, it is good to riot, please do it again.”

David Cameron’s socialist coalition government were praising the courts yesterday on the swift action taken dealing with the assorted thugs, criminals, chavs, scallies and hooded arseholes.

“I particularly praise the courts who came down soft on these poor downtrodden boys and girls with hard hitting useless words on pieces of court paper. One boy I saw got a day’s community service order, a Kenyan safari trip, two trips to Disney World Paris and an increase in benefits of 40%. That boy must be crying into his stolen Burberry scarf right now I tell you,” a proud looking David Cameron told the House of Commons yesterday.

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  1. My daughter turned up with her new boyfriend today. He was in 'juvy' for 3 years, then did 2 years for armed robbery, has 4 counts of GBH against his name and 3 ASBOs.

    Still, least he's white.

  2. correction to above post last paragraph:

    The riots have earned you contempt and have not advanced your cause, if ever there was one. Communities you have attempted to destroy will get over it, security will be increased, you will be in jail and have accomplished nothing like what you might have appealing to the hearts and minds.

  3. I very much doubt that you really are a rioter, simply because they wouldn't have the skills write this well. However since you're owning up to being a violent criminal, let me say you've made your point, but to explain is to excuse. Feeling sorry for yourself and blaming everyone but yourself is never going to advance you in your life.

    How about taking as your role models black activists like Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King and Nelson Mandela, all non violent and all revered in perpetuity?

    So far as your 'poverty' is concerned, the taxpayer has paid for your free education, your free health care, your free dental care, childcare and your free dole money, benefits scarcely dreamed of in countries like the horn of Africa where there is genuine, heart rending and extreme poverty. My ancestral family were dirt poor, there was no NHS and no dole, but we didn't burn down our neighbours' homes or commit murder.

    If the police 'hate' you, it may well be because you're never out of trouble in a vicious circle. Now the taxpayer is paying to clean up the mess you've made, and we'll go on paying £50,000 a year for your imprisonment.

    The riots were the opposite of a protest. They were antics of a bunch of spoilt children. If you really wanted to protest, you could have done so by sitting down in the middle of the highway and refusing to move. If you do this in your thousands, then you would without a doubt be heard and apart from civil disobedience inconveniencing a few well-meaning folk, you would have harmed nobody. You've rolled back whatever cause you may have had by decades.

    The riots have not earned you contempt and have not advanced your cause, if ever there was one. Communities you have attempted to destry will get over it, security will be increased, you will be in jail and have accomplished nothing like what you might have.

  4. It is time for Britain to scoop enough sand and stones to create a new island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean so that when it is ready with some "aborigines" they can send all the criminals of the UK (I mean all of you Brits) to this newfoundland (or island as we can call) so that the original British Island will be free of criminals can be continued to be infested with Asians, especially the bigots of Indian and Pakis, and other dole hounding people from poorer EEC. I dont know why britain cannot accept the fact Margarat Thacher was an able administrator.

  5. ThankU Mr Cameroon, I got my grade 1 ASBO certificate. I now want the gold star ASBO, so I fink dat I should upgrade my activities to doin Bank Jobs. ThankU again Mr Cameroon for all the opportunities, that free 40' plasma TV woz bling, innit.

  6. People are saying I am just a violent hooligan, a mindless thug, a criminal, an anarchist. They’re saying I lack proper respect for authority and for people’s property. They say I am engaging in wanton destruction and causing mayhem just because I’m wicked. People are saying I am part of a small, criminally-minded minority who should be locked up. Maybe they’re right. Maybe I am just a worthless piece of shit. Maybe I should be locked away forever, punished, excluded. But what do I really care what ‘people’ think?

    There are reasons why I riot. You might not like them, but they’re mine.

    I riot because I’m angry. Anger envelopes me like a blanket every day of my life. I’m angry because I’m poor, I’ve always been poor, and I know I will never be able to afford all those nice things people are supposed to have. I’m angry because my life is shit and I know it’s always going to be shit. I’m angry because I know that there’s no future for me; no one will ever give me a decent job or a hand-up in life. I will live in the same shitty housing that my family have always lived in, drawing down the same shitty benefits. I’m angry because I live in a shit place full of poverty, crime, vandalism, gangs, garbage, grime and neglect. Most days I take my anger out on myself; I engage in a wide and creative array of self-destructive behavior. But sometimes, like last night, I direct my anger outwards. I let my rage take over, and for a brief moment, I feel a profound sense of release.

    I riot because I hate the police, and because I know that the police hate me. They’re racist and brutal, and they treat me like scum every day of my life, always coming around blaming me for everything bad that happens, harassing me when I walk down the street. I hate them because they think they’re God and they don’t have to answer to anyone for what they do. I hate them because they show me no respect. In a riot, you can fight back against the police; you can stand up to them and tell them how you really feel.

    I riot because I am nobody, nothing, less than nothing. I am invisible, a ghost in this city, this country, this world. People don’t see me, and don’t give a shit about me or what’s going to happen to me. My parents don’t care, my teachers don’t care, the politicians don’t care, the police don’t care; no one gives a fuck about me and my life. If people do ever see me, they don’t really see me; they just see an anti-social, worthless, feral teenager; they see a danger to society, a threat to the peace. If no one cares about me, why should I care about anyone else?

    I riot because no one ever listens to me. No one has ever really listened to me; nobody hears what I have to say. But when I riot, it seems the whole world stops and listens. My riot is my voice. It is the expression of my feelings, the sound of inarticulate rage which I cannot express any other way. I don’t expect anyone will understand what I’m saying, I cannot put it into nice words; but I feel the need to say it anyway. I have to let it out somehow, and right now, music, or drugs, or vandalism is not enough.

    I riot because I feel powerless every day of my life. I’m not in control of what happens to me; other people are always deciding about my life, telling me what’s right for me – teachers, cops, social workers, pastors, politicians, media commentators. When I riot, I feel powerful, I feel in control. It may only last a few hours, but for those brief moments when I smash something or burn something, I feel like a free person in control of my own destiny. I feel like somebody. When I riot, I feel like a real man.

    I riot because it is the most exciting thing that has happened to me in forever. It’s like being high, but way better: the adrenaline, the sheer thrill and terror of fighting with the police, burning shit down, smashing and stealing, running, hiding. What would I be doing otherwise? Watch the TV? Studying? Hanging out with my friends on the corner? Smoking dope? Fuck off! This is so much better than the mind-numbing tedium of my regular life where I simply exist from day to day with nothing to look forward to. In my usual life, I am like the walking dead, a real zombie; there’s absolutely nothing exciting to do around here, especially when you have no money. I will live on this excitement for ages.

    I riot because when I’m in a group with my friends, we sometimes egg each other on. I’ve done things with them that I would never have done on my own. It’s a group thing; I feel braver and stronger when we’re together. We try to impress each other; we give each other respect. It’s how I get my esteem, the only way I get some respect.

    I riot because it might allow me to loot a few shops. I know I could never afford all those beautiful things everyone else seems to have, but in a riot, you can just take them. I need some new trainers, a new phone, a laptop, clothes, money, games. It’s a consumer society, my friend. We have all got to have these things, otherwise we won’t be happy. I just want to be happy.

    I riot because I have absolutely nothing to lose. You want to lock me up for it? Go ahead. It means nothing to a nothing like me.

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