17.7 C
Friday, July 12, 2024
secret satire society
HomeSportsUS Ganja Olympics Underway After Explosive Opening Ceremony

US Ganja Olympics Underway After Explosive Opening Ceremony

MIAMI - USA - The United States has been gripped with bong fever as the 2009 Ganja Olympics finally got underway yesterday.

“This brings a new meaning to the Olympic flame,” Olympic host, Alan ‘Crankin’ Charlie shouts as multiple gold medal winning champion, Michael Phelps inhales from a massive joint of prime weed, his eyes glaze over and he smiles knowingly.

The opening ceremony for the Ganja Olympic Games is broadcast all over the world and its honorary champion Michael Phelps is here as proof that champions are an integral part of the eternal ganja flame.

“This years bong smoking contest was a mess though. We had people smoking so much chronic that they had to be taken away in a wheelchair. Yes, Jamaica won this year, followed closely by Phelps for the USA who inhaled three bong loads in a record 2.34 minutes. Coming last was Saudi Arabia, those dudes aren’t allowed to train because of their strict laws or they gets beheaded and shit,” Arnold Winklatter of the Ganja Olympics Authority told Reuters.


So far Michael Phelps has won six gold medals in the Ganja events including the Camberwell Carrot event where athletes have to roll a perfect spliff utilising only two skins then smoke it at the fastest speed.

The ‘Hide yo spliff from da fuzz event” went down like a storm this year with the many ingenious ways the participating athletes found in hiding their stash from a visiting cop. “I saw the Colombian team stuff whole bags of prime weed up their arses. I think it was about 4-5 kilos per squad member. They won gold just for that trick, even the sniffer dogs didn’t realise,” an excited commentator from Japan relayed on Japan’s premium sports channel. The Nigerians came second by ingesting huge amounts of cocaine in their stomachs with cocaine bags. One contestant, Ifunanyachukwu Kaka from Benin managed to swallow 450 cocaine bags in the allotted time of 5 minutes 20 seconds to score gold and the World Record for the ‘cocaine bag event’.

This years outstanding competition saw only one disqualification. Ivan Bolokov, of Bulgaria was disqualified in the cocaine racing event when he was party to three late starts and after a drugs test was found to not have enough cocaine in his bloodstream.

The overall medal winner for the whole games is Michael Phelps from the USA and due to his high-grade performances, the sponsors have been jumping at his heels already.

“He is amazing. I mean he doesn’t even come up for air. He takes hit after hit on those bongs. That’s gotta hurt man. The guy’s superhuman. He makes Cheech and Chong look like godamn girl scouts,” Alonso Moseley, a sports commentator for CBS news reported.

With Olympic success, sponsor success always follows.

“We have a few big name cartels already after Phelps. I think he’s going to come out a winner with at least $100 million worth of sponsorship and the best grass, coke and speed to play with. It’s going to be a dream come true I tell you,” Mr Winklatter added.

  Daily Squib Book

  DAILY SQUIB BOOK The Perfect Gift or can also be used as a doorstop. Grab a piece of internet political satire history encapsulating 15 years of satirical works. The Daily Squib Anthology REVIEWS: "The author sweats satire from every pore" | "Overall, I was surprised at the wit and inventedness of the Daily Squib Compendium. It's funny, laugh out loud funny" | "Would definitely recommend 10/10" | "This anthology serves up the choicest cuts from a 15-year reign at the top table of Internet lampoonery" | "Every time I pick it up I see something different which is a rarity in any book"
- Advertisment -





The definitive book of Juvenalian satire and uncanny prophesies that somehow came true. This is an anthology encompassing 15 years of Squib satire on the internet compiled and compressed into one tiddly book. Buy the Book Now!