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Osborne to Tax U Turns

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This new U-turn tax is hot and straight out of the oven.

According to Treasury insiders, the new tax will certainly not be left to cool at room temperature but will be freshly baked and ready for consumption, no extra VAT added, of course.

“It’s really quite simple, one comes out with a budget that was not thought out properly and then one has to go back to the press later with some U-turns in policy. Well, I’m going to tax those very U-turns and I think the revenue raised from taxing the U-turns will be quite substantial. In fact, we could pay for more legislative taxation on U-turns with the extra U-turn taxes,” Mr Osborne said from parliament yesterday.

Blair Congratulates Assad on Job Well Done

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Mr Blair has been officially invited to Damascus to stay with the Assads in mid-June at the palace.

“When I saw the headlines about all those Arab children murdered in cold blood by Assad’s forces, I got goosebumps all over. You know how it is when you get moments of nostalgia, I too remembered the wonderful times Dubya and I had in Iraq and Afghanistan condemning millions of people to be displaced from their homes; dumping tonnes of depleted uranium on their land and carpet bombing large swathes of the country killing hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians. I have to say though, he hasn’t done nearly as good as I did, but then again, he doesn’t get pay offs from large banking institutions like I have,” Mr Blair said from the Leveson Whitewash Inquiry.

Mr Assad made a statement through Syrian state television last night: “My good friend Tony Blair is coming to visit me, just like he visited Colonel Gaddafi until he was deemed not useful anymore. I have tried to impress Tony with my killing sprees but speaking on the phone last night, he reminded me that I still have a long way to go innit until I get to his level of coldblooded murder.”

Cheryl Cole to Learn How to Play Musical Instrument

“This could take her years of practice and hard toil but she is determined to learn how to play the recorder,” her agent Matzos Wilder, told MTV.

The ‘talented singer’ has always wanted to play a musical instrument and is even considering getting singing lessons as well.

“It’s something that I’ve always wanted to do, you know become musical, like actually learn how to play something or even write a little ditty. I heard that there were singers in the old days who would sing without an Antares autotune machine, I might even try that one day, as long as I can still mime to my studio tracks on stage,” Cheryl Cole told MTV.

The MTV reality show will follow the starlet through her musical training sessions where she will attend classes with children as young as six to learn how to play the recorder.

“I’ve seen her, she’s good at blowing the flute, she told me she had a lot of practice. How else do you think she got this far in the music biz?” a very lucky MTV producer, Lackey Luster, said on MTV news.

IMF Chief Lagarde to Holiday in Greece

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“I was invited to go to Greece to see for myself how the populations are living after they spent 500 billion euros from the EU in less than six years. For a population of just 19 million people, that is an impressive spending streak. Everyone owns a Porsche Cayenne and a helicopter. It should be delightful staying at the coast, I have heard the yachts there owned by all the Greeks are the best in the Mediterranean. I am sure they will all greet me with enthusiasm as I top up my tan on a boat or beach,” Ms Lagarde told the French newspaper, Le Monde on Saturday.

The Greek Foreign Minister, Tsisos Malaka, told Greek television: “We welcome Ms Lagarde to Greece. I have invited her to my villa in Thessaloniki. I want to show her that Greek peoples are very hard working. We wake up in the morning, check our bank accounts to see if the latest EU subsidy has been paid by the Germans, then we transfer the money offshore to the Caymans or other havens. Our working week lasts from Monday to Wednesday, sometimes we even work on Thursdays. It is hard, what with the three hour lunches, then a two hour siesta, maybe go for a swim then it’s to the coffee house to play backgammon, drink ouzo and smoke for the rest of the evening. By the way, she is also welcome at my villa in Lake Lugano and in Geneva.”

“It is unfortunate that Lagarde made a comment about the Greeks being lazy, corrupt, ungrateful tax-dodgers worthy of Nigerian 419 scammers, but consider the fact that in some Greek towns, everyone is registered as blind. All it takes to receive full benefits and extra payments from the EU is to give your doctor 200 euros and he’ll amend your records. After that is submitted to the necessary EU department, the recipient will never have to work for the rest of their life. There are so many blind people in some Greek towns that the statistics are baffling, especially when they’re all driving Ferraris. These are some of the scams that have been going on for years. It is sad that the few honest Greeks are tainted with the same brush as the majority,” a butcher from the Greek island of Kiltzos told Reuters.

When Lagarde lands in Greece in July for her holidays and goes for a meal, who is to know what the chef and restaurant workers will deposit in her food? It will certainly be a very interesting meze for her.

Eurovision: United Kingdom Comes Second…….From Last

One thing is certain, every year in the Eurovision song contest twelve points are always awarded from Greece to Cyprus and Cyprus to Greece, but even more certain, is that the poor old United Kingdom always ends up only getting four or five points.

Humperdinked

“You could have Elvis Presley singing for the UK and he’d still get trounced by Bulgaria or some other Eastern European country full of goat herders with atrocious songs. It’s a bloody disgrace,” a disgusted Englebert Humperdink, told the Sunday Times, before being carted off with the Russian contingent to a retirement home.

It certainly is a shameful way to end a career in the biz by getting four points at the Eurovision contest, especially after a career spanning 40 years and a multi million selling roster.

Next year, much of the same with two hours of terrible tacky songs, then an hour of politically motivated voting.

British Olympic Flame Carriers Pass On 1936 Nazi Olympics Tradition

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There’s nothing vaguely Greek or Olympic about the torch being carried from city to city, country to country with the torch relay. This tradition was first started by the Nazis during the 1936 Olympics in Berlin devised by Carl Diem, secretary of the Nationalsozialistischer Reichsbund für Leibesübungen, under the guidance of Reich Minister of Propaganda, Joseph Goebbels.

Illuminatus

“When you see the Olympic illuminated torch relay going from city to city in Britain, you must remember that this has nothing to do with the Olympics. It is in fact, a tradition started in 1936 during the Nazi Olympics and thought up by Nazis to promote the Nationalsozialismus ideology and symbolised the illumination of their superior Germanic Aryan Über men over other races,” Professor of History at Cambridge University, John Ainsworth, told the Times.

British 2012 Olympic officials were however quick to downplay the Nazi symbolism: “I think it’s great that we’re keeping the Nazi torch bearer tradition alive. The Nazis seem to have been pretty good with flames, like the ones in Auschwitz that were burning night and day, as well as the Olympic flames in 1936. I hope our games are as successful as the Übermenschen laden games of 1936,” Carl Pilkingross, told the Sun newspaper.

A Foaming Mouth No Excuse For Treatment on the NHS

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What does it take to get treatment on the NHS? it seems even if you are in the latter stages of rabies, it is still quite hard to get a doctor to see you, let alone treat you.

“Rabies? Take two aspirin and a cup of tea and you’ll be fine in the morning,” Dr. Rajah Chakrabati, of the Royal Holloway hospital told the Daily Mail.

That’s exactly what they told that poor old woman who was bitten by a dog and contracted rabies in India last week and was sent home twice from A&E when she arrived in Britain.

Sadly after pleading with doctors and GPs numerous times about her condition, her fate was sealed as she was sent home and told to forget about it.

Euro Crisis Voted Most Boring News Event of All Time

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“I’d rather watch my toe nails grow or stick spikes in my ear holes. If I ever hear or see another bit of Euro nonsense I’m going to commit an atrocity,” Jean Beddlemarker, a disgruntled baker from Bruges, Brussels, told the Euro Voice newspaper.

John Albright, a teacher from Manchester, England, said: “It’s getting ridiculous now, every time I pick up a newspaper, watch a news story or listen to someone speak in the street, it’s all about the eurozone and Greece. Chuck the ingrates out, if they want to leave let them leave. I’m sick of it. Blast the sods to the moon for all I care, and as for transaction taxes in the City, stuff ’em. Put up or shut up Cammo, you yellow bellied pork rind sniffing weasel. Get Britain out of the EU and tell those shisters to bog off. No one has any balls anymore. Get on with it you bastards. What would Winston Churchill have done? Well, do the same thing you blithering idiots.”

There was also mass revulsion for the so-called leader of the EU, the cowardly faceless spineless piss boy, Herman van Rompuy.

“Let’s be honest, he looks like a paedo, and he has no voice. He’s got no charisma, has no leadership qualities whatsoever and as well as being a humourless twat, is slow to react to anything that happens in the eurozone. All in all, a dithering faceless eurocrat with a huge taxpayer funded salary and no remit to run the EU in any shape or form. A chimpanzee could do a better job than that cretin. He has no ability to make decisions, or plan anything, basically, he’s an overpaid useless scumbag who needs to be tossed from the Tower of Babel EU headquarters in Brussels. When he lands head first on the pavement and dashes his pea brain out the side of his thick skull, then the EU might have a chance. Otherwise, as long as this moronic piece of detritous is in charge, you can bet your bottom dollar that the euro will reach parity with the dollar. As for your pensions, your savings, your properties, your salaries, you can kiss those goodbye too, because the EU is a train wreck,” another disgruntled EU citizen ranted.

Someone or something please deliver us from this boredom.

Travolta to Marry Cruise in Church of Scatology Ceremony

The wedding of the century will be the highlight of the election year, with president Barack Obama attending at the Church of Scatology cult’s Los Angeles compound.

“This will be a great promotion for Obama’s gay wedding endorsement, and the Church of Scatology is proud to induct our two biggest stars into the anals of American history,” president and CEO of the Church of Scatology, David Miscarriage, told the LA Times.

The wedding is set to take place close to the American elections in November, and president Obama is keen to use the ceremony as a way to push forward his agenda and gain more votes.

“These are two huge Hollywood stars getting married here. John’s going to fly in from his ranch, you know he’s in New York one minute eating at a restaurant, and the next he’s getting a back rub in the Marmont. The guy flies everywhere real quick. As for Tom, well, he’s going to abseil into the wedding from a helicopter, or maybe his stunt double will. It’s going to be a beautiful wedding, there’ll be lots of auditing going on, maybe some Kretans might make an appearance, but I’m sure after the wedding those two will get their E-meters out and start whackin’ away like it was Penu’s birthday,” one of the wedding organisers told CBS news.

Other celebrities and famous people who will attend are Kelly Preston and Katie Holmes who are set to give the two newlyweds their best wishes on their special day.

Piers Morgan Has Mobile Phone Hacked

The hacker was able to access the private messages left to Piers Moron, who ruined so many people’s lives with his evil deceitful practices of hacking phones and listening to people’s private messages to write revealing articles in his paper.

“I was able to access Piers Moron’s phone messages and to say I was shocked at what I heard would be an understatement. I have to say though, he fully deserves everything that comes to him the smug faced lying piece of shit,” the anonymous hacker revealed to BBC’s Newsnight.

For the very first time, the Daily Squib can reveal the 20 most recent messages all from different people on Piers Moron’s mobile phone:

1. You are a c*nt

2. You are a c*nt

3. You are a c*nt

4. You are a c*nt

5. You are a c*nt

6. You are a c*nt

7. You are a c*nt

8. You are a c*nt

9. You are a c*nt

10. You are a c*nt

11. You are a c*nt

12. You are a c*nt

13. You are a c*nt

14. You are a c*nt

15. You are a c*nt

16. You are a c*nt

17. You are a c*nt

18. You are a c*nt

19. You are a c*nt

20. You are a c*nt

Piers Moron, who is currently running CNN into the dirt with poor ratings for his awful talk show, was not available for comment when contacted yesterday. He’s still a c*nt though.