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Americans Leave Iraq After Using Up All the Oil

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Speaking from what used to be Iraq’s main oil refinery in the Salaheddin province north of Baghdad, but is now dry as a bone, Operations Director, Johnson Hick, said: “It is with great sadness that we will leave this place but there ain’t no more oil left. We used all of it up, and now we have to move onto the next oil country, which is your neighbour, Iran. Thank Jesus they’re dabbling in nuclear stuff because without that we’d have no excuse to invade the sons of bitches. As soon as we get the go ahead from Israel, we’ll start sending in more of our young soldiers to die for oil.”

America uses up 58% of the world’s resources and needs to constantly find new resource rich countries to invade so it can stay afloat. The Iraq war was responsible for an indeterminate number of Iraqi civilian deaths numbering in the hundreds of thousands and millions of displaced people from their own country. The United States peppered the country with vast amounts of depleted uranium causing permanent damage to the populations affected.

“We are the largest users of oil in the world and we need more countries to invade. We recently got Libya, which is the eighth largest oil producer in the world with an estimated 47 billion barrels, and that should last us until 2013. That’s why Iran is next on our list. Ultimately, we would like to get Saudi Arabia, but we sold them lots of our weapons so we’ll have to wait until those are out of date,” Mr Hick said.

Thanks to the invasion of Iraq and Afghanistan, the world is a lot more dangerous, with increasing terrorism, economic inequality, starvation and instability.

British Gastronomy Stays AAA When French Food Now AA

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Malheureusement, we have had to downgrade the cuisine de notre compatriats to AA because frankly nous sommes malades of the same old frog’s legs and escargots. I had a piffling raw steak l’autre jour and I vomited into a bucket afterwards. We call that cuisine Française? Give me roast beef, crispy pommes de terre and some f*cking gravy any day. How’s about a bit of oeufs and frites or a full English? I know I’m a grenouille myself but I can’t take the oeufs au plat Meyerbeer anymore, how’s about a deep fried mars bar stuffed in a Heston Blumenthal nettle soup marinated with raw unwashed potato skins and a dose of food poisoning. ‘Ere I was on that Master Chef the other day, who’s that brick layer barrow boy? He told me my soufflé was weak, I told him to go and lay some bricks on a wall, the f*cking English peasant. But, at the end of the jour, mes amis, c’est une grande tragédie,” Senior Chef at the Institute, Dominique Strauss Sperme, told Le Monde newspaper.

The French have been so angry at their cuisine being downgraded that they have threatened to blockade the Channel Tunnel and ferry ports indefinitely until their AAA gourmet rating is reinstated.

Speaking from Paris, the French president, Nicolas Sarkozy, said: “We will ask the Germans to invade England and show them that we mean business. Soon the English cochons will be begging for mercy and they will give up their false AAA food rating. I am going to phone my boss, Angela, right now, you English have eaten your last Bubble and Squeak.”

ECB to Start Printing Money Tomorrow

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“We have finally come around from dithering and ruining the world’s economy by agreeing to start quantitative easing immediately,” European Commission chief, Jose Manuel Barroso, told an impromptu press conference.

Markets worldwide suddenly jolted away from free fall and popped upward like a neglected todger that hadn’t erupted for a thousand years.

“The world just rejoiced that the morons and ars*h*les in charge of the EU finally got a f*cking clue. They need to pay for the spending sprees somehow, and I have to say that QE is the only way out of the black hole for the stubborn sh*ts in the EU. Why should the rest of the world suffer because of those c*nts? Let them pay for their own mess,” a relieved investor told the Daily Telegraph.

Across the Atlantic, the Dow Jones rose by 20% in the first 10 minutes of trading as did the S&P. Closer to home, the FTSE 100 rose by 18% as did the German and French markets.

Hague to Hold Fiscal Euro Meeting in Brussels Hotel Room

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“I need to talk to them about how to solve this terrible euro problem we all seem to be having. I’m sure if we push the beds together in the tiny hotel room, then maybe we can whack out a solution to the never ending fiscal union problem the euro is having. I’ll order the champagne on room service, the euro boys just need to bring their thongs,” Mr Hague said from the first class section of the Eurostar train to Brussels yesterday.

The young European advisers will convene in a small secluded hotel in the centre of Brussels where Mr Hague will pay for the single room himself.

“We are in austere times, and of course this applies to high flying millionaire ministers as much as interns. I really need some advice on how to solve this euro problem, this is why some inexperienced young eurotwinks should do the job. I just can’t wait to have my stool pushed in as well as the two single beds,” Mr Hague added with excitement in his voice.

The Brussels meeting should be good news for the British economy which is in dire straits as unelected technocrats threaten to destroy the British economy with unnecessary red-tape and sanctions for the recent British veto.

Nick Clegg Fails UK Citizenship Test Could Be Deported

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“We’re not actually sure where he’s from but he’s definitely not from Britain, that’s for sure.” a Border Agency worker disclosed to the Daily Mail.

Things have been rather tough for Clegg since joining the Coalition government, and he will surely be glad to be out of the heat of the frying pan and back to obscurity.

Speaking from his home, Nick Clegg said: “My political allegiance lies slightly to the left…no just left of centre…maybe somewhat to the right…a tiny bit left and right…oh, how about diagonal south west…maybe east, west…thirty degrees north?”

Tory MP, Sullivan Pratter, said: “There’s two things I like about Nick Clegg — his face. As for where he came from, I don’t think even he knows. No one actually knows who he really is or what he’s doing here.”

Sarkozy Shows Off His New Hat

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Mr Sarkozy, has adopted the Pickelhaube helmet and will be wearing it at all times.

“How do you like my new ‘at? Ve vill destroy ze Ros Boeufs for daring not to join our special club. You think you can hide across the Channel? Vell, mes amis, your days are numbered,” Mr Sarkozy said to rapturous applause from the assembled unelected EU technocrats.

Nicolas Sarkozy’s Vichy government is under increasing pressure from Germany to pressurise Britain to join the failing eurozone.

“Ve vant the British to wear the Pickelhaube too. Zey must adopt this or ve vill destroy their economy and financial district sooner or later,” Mr Sarkozy said.

Occupy Movement Results in Huge Increases of Tent Sales

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“We’re selling tents like hot cakes. It’s great for the economy, and especially our capitalist system. These kids are supporting the system that they are trying to oppose. I’m happy, because I get to drive an Aston Martin, and they’re happy because they think they are making a difference. Jeez, I was driving in to my office this morning, and I got a case of the giggles, just thinking about the obscene amounts of money I would make in that morning, it’s awesome,” Dick Bonehead, CEO for Coleman tents told CNN.

As the thousands of people camp around cities protesting against capitalism and corporate greed, they are in fact inadvertently supporting the industries they oppose.

“This tent I got for $400, this mask I’m wearing cost $23, plus all the camping gear and my daily food and booze costs a great deal of money, It’s a good thing that my allowance from my parents can pay for everything,” a Wall Street protester told CBS.

Sally Bercow Now Living in Caravan After Leaving Husband For Gypsy

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Mrs Bercow has thrown away the keys to the Palace of Westminster for her new man Paddy McMahoney’s decrepit caravan.

The doting couple met on the Channel 5 show ‘When Paddy Met Sally’ in June and have since been seeing each other.

“John was a boring midget. I told him to shove that tacky coat of arms up his arse, and as I’m such a fame whore, I knew that his days as House Speaker were numbered, so I moved in with a real man with more fame,” Sally told the Sun.

Paddy McMahoney, who likes to have bare-knuckle fist fights daily in the caravan site, said: “I’ll have a few punch up sessions with the boys in the afternoon, then go to my caravan and give Sally’s box a good boxing workout. I’ve heard her husband wants her back, but if he wants her, let him come over here and fight me for her. Of course, they can film that too.”

Scientists Prove That All Religious Books Are Man-Made Nonsense

The scientists, headed by Doctor Julius Sanreso, welcomed the research findings and said that it would be in the interests of those who believe in such nonsense as organised religion or creationism to accept the fact that religious books were written by men as a control system.

“Just think for one second, if ‘God’ or a ‘messenger of God’ had written that particular religious book/bible, how come the writings only occur within a very limited period in human history? Also, consider the fact, that a human writing on a piece of paper, or a few pieces of paper, is not the word of ‘God’. If they were really written by a universal God or entity, the books would not be limited to some pre-medievel costume drama but would encompass all universality, history, the future and science. Language is something created by man, not an all-seeing, all encompassing entity. God would presumably be universal and timeless as well as all-knowing, as is the universe, therefore these man-written books and scriptures, are just that, man-written linguistically created nonsense used to control men and women thousands of years ago. Why would ‘God’ write anything anyway? One must consider the fact that, even now, there are religious zealots and ordinary people still entrenched in a control belief system that is so far removed from reality that it borders on madness. There is no rational or scientific way that organised religions can have a modicum of truth or factual reality because of the very reason that these books are entombed in the time that they were written. These books should therefore simply be viewed as limited parables and historical fiction, as well as a lesson in how millions of people can be so easily controlled.”

The research paper also came to the conclusion that reward/punishment religions, as control systems, were losing their grip on most of the population of the world and only a few die-hard fanatics and delusional maniacs were carrying on with the flame of idiocy.

“The game is up for all religions, how long can this sham carry on, with their ridiculous outdated ceremonies? The priests are deceivers, and they need to come up with some pretty radical solutions to their thousand year old magic trick. People aren’t as dumb or easily swayed as they used to be thousands of years ago, they actually have reasoning powers and can see through the utter nonsense of organised control systems like religion.”

The problem for the world’s political leaders, is that slowly, humans who were controlled for so many years by fictitious writings through generational brainwashing from infancy, may suddenly lose their controlled ‘faith’. This could be quite dangerous, because it would mean that these people would suddenly wake up and realise that they have been fooled for so long by being communally hypnotised.

“We must ensure that the people who have been fooled for so long by fictitious belief systems utilised to control humans do not get too angry when they realise that what they believe in is nonsense written by humans utilising human created language. This could be dangerous for society, so we must either let them carry on believing their fiction or try to somehow support them when they realise the truth,” Dr Sanreso said.

Clarkson Sentenced to Death by BBC Firing Squad

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“He’s a gonner, poor bastard, we’ll grant him his last wish, then it will be farewell to the car worshipping loud mouth git,” Director general of the BBC, Ogilvie Hyams, announced.

Mr Clarkson, will be led out into the famous courtyard of the BBC building in White City, where a group of old grannies and simpering, easily offended poncey Radio Times readers, as well as striking public sector workers will get out some pea shooters and shoot Mr Clarkson.

The shooting gallery will be flanked by hundreds of angry striking overpaid public sector union bosses, who will jeer at Mr Clarkson and wave wads of taxpayer’s cash at him.

“It should be an all together interesting televisual feast, and I am sure our viewers will love the spectacle of Mr Clarkson being humiliated by a bunch of overpaid, useless, public sector c*nts,” an overpaid, useless, BBC sub-sub-manager of paperclips and staplers, said from his luxury taxpayer funded Notting Hill flat.

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