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New Cristina Kirchner Portrait Shows Troubled Soul

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“She looks rather tired. Somewhat miserable and gloomy in the photograph. I just hope she’ll get over this Malvinas business and go back to her plastic surgery sessions. She’s really out of her depth,” Argentinian politician, Augusto Galtieri, told a group of reporters outside the country’s parliament.

Mrs Kirchner, however ignored the advice of the opposition party’s politicians and dug down even deeper with more rhetoric against the people of the Falkland Isles.

“I was just on the phone to my old friend Sean Penn, and he told me that we need to get those Gringos out of our islands. He’ll be on the battleship when we invade Port Stanley. What a brave fella he is. Viva Argentina!”

Disgrace of Met Policeman Who is Not Racist

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In an appalling drunken outburst, PC Thomas Raycehaight, 36, told the Pakistani  ‘glad you’ve come to our wonderful country. You are most welcome here’. The disgraced officer faces the sack for gross misconduct after being convicted of a non racially aggravated comment towards a non-English person.

The Metropolitan police force which prides itself in its institutionally racist organisation is determined to not let this lax of principles by one officer let it down.

“We at the Met are determined to carry on and not let our force be tarnished by one non-racist individual in our ranks. He will be sent back to Hendon immediately for re-training,” police commisioner, Paul Whitewash, told the BBC.

The Met is determined to root out any non-racist officers and will complete an internal investigation into these serious allegations by next month.

Gingrich Uses Wife to Secure More Funding

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“One stare from Newt Gingrich’s wife and people just hand over the cash,” Jerry Sandweiss, Gingrich’s campaign manager, told reporters assembled at a conference hall during a recent fundraising event.

People waited in the audience for Gingrich and his secret weapon to turn up, and a big black curtain was draped over the stage.

“Suddenly there was a noise and we heard the sound of change in a pocket, ching ching, and they raised the curtain. That’s when we saw her and I’m not shitting you people just started to cringe, one man had an embolism right next to me and fell to the ground with blood tricking from his ear holes and eyes, another man screamed so loud it hurt, you know like a high pitched gonad scream, he didn’t care, he emptied his pockets in less than thirty seconds. We all handed over our money, our wallets, cards and dignity,” a distraught Gingrich campaign funder told CBS news on Friday.

According to reports, Gingrich’s wife is so potent that her stare can make milk curdle, and when she speaks in her high pitched pig squealy voice, people literally have their eardrums perforated on the spot.

“People will do anything to get away from that. I’ve seen some even pledge college funds or house payments. Gingrich is going to win this race anyway he can do it. Kudos to him, he’s now the richest candidate on the field, leaving even rich boy Romney in the dust,” an election observer told the New York Times.

UK Family Outcasts After Not Swindling Benefits System For Thousands

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The family has been effectively ostracised from their estate and had to flee with their lives, after actually working and not sponging off the government with benefits scams.

“This is a very sad state of affairs. This family are a detriment to our society, they have shamed themselves by being self sufficient and actually working for a living. It’s disgusting that such a thing could happen. We need to hunt them down and make an example of them. One of them is actually partially disabled as well and not on Incapacity,” an angry resident of the Grubly sink estate in Scunthorpe’s Grimspit neighborhood, told reporters of the Daily Mail newspaper.

A national manhunt is underway for the family and there are even calls for deportation.

In the UK state funded aid is a normal way of life with benefits officers falling over themselves to give people thousands of pounds in state aid.

“I haven’t worked in years. I’ve got 3D 5K TVs in each room of my four bedroom end of terrace stucco mansion. I get £4,500 per week in benefits and never have to pay any tax or NHS, gym, cinema. We get a car allowance of £26,500 per year and my eight kids get free safari trips to Kenya, all on the taxpayer, except there ain’t many of those around anymore, innit,” Julia Mucker, 46, told the Sun newspaper.

Living on benefits does certainly have benefits, especially when you can take three holidays in a year, enjoy the rolling hills of Umbria in Italy, or the beaches of the Cayman Islands.

“We just got back from our usual jaunt down to Tuscany. We hired a villa there and stayed for two months. The wine is fabulous, really special stuff, but we brought our cans of Specialbrew because me and the kids wanted to get totally mullered,” Mrs Mucker added.

Illegal Obama Wonder Drug Hits the Streets of America

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“This new drug is amazing. It gives you the sharpest, best high you can ever imagine in the beginning, but the downside is the low after the very short high. The come down from the drug can take literally months or even years and can cause depression, anxiety and pain. It’s not worth it folks, please leave this drug alone, it is devastating to one’s moral and mood,” a senior drug administrator for the FDA told the Boston Times.

No one knows where the Obama drug came from and how it has infiltrated the United States but some say it could have come from the East Africa region, near Kenya.

“In all my years in the FDA I’ve never seen a drug this bad. It fools people with an amazing high. You’ll never get that back ever because once you get the Obama high at the beginning, it’s downhill all the way from there. That is the killer right there, people can’t take that. They go nuts,” another FDA agent reported.

According to the FBI these Obama tablets have flooded the streets of America and are set to cause chaos and disorder soon unless something is done.

Either way, this is a bitter pill to swallow for those who have had the misfortune to encounter these Obama pills.

Think Tank: UK to Avoid Recession During Great Depression

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The Fiscal Unitary Central Keynsian Economic Disequilibrium (FUCKED) think-tank, estimated the economy scraped growth of minus 2.8pc in the first three months of the year.

If that proves to be the case, the UK avoided dipping out of the perpetual great depression, following a 1.6pc fall in gross domestic product in the fourth quarter of 2011.

John Maynard, senior research fellow at FUCKED, said: “Effectively we have avoided a technical recession which is obviously welcome but does not change the fact that we are still in a major economic great depression that does not seem to ever want to end.

“As long as you have idiots in charge like the Chancellor George Osborne, there will never be any growth in the UK ever again. He needs to reduce VAT to 14%; reduce business and corporation tax, invite worldwide companies to do business in the UK again, reduce fuel duty by 40%, reduce stamp duty by 10%, and order the banks to lend to business.”

FUCKED’s figures point to the fact that the UK economy is actually still pretty fucked and will be for some time to come.

Ken Livingstone Applies to Become Mayor of Cayman Islands

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“I know this place very well. I have a few accounts here where I siphon the money so I do not have to pay tax in the UK,” Mr Livingstone said on Tuesday.

The former mayor wants the Cayman Islands’ capital to be just like London, and is even proposing a congestion charging zone, where all vehicles will be charged $15 a day to pass through the city.

Man of the People

Mr Livingstone told the George Town Times newspaper: “I visit here quite a lot to check on my accounts and chat with my banker friends, and I have noticed that there aren’t many buses here. This is why I propose ordering in hundreds of those awful bendy buses that will clog up intersections, and take up all the room on the roads as well as pumping out all that lovely black smoke. Soon this place is going to be just like London, and as mayor, I will give my staff regular taxpayer funded trips to China to see how my red friends are doing. At a cost of $850,000 per trip, I am sure you will agree it will be well worth it.”

At least this way, Mr Livingstone’s ample salary and media takings will not have far to travel, and he will be sure to avoid the UK’s tax collectors.

Damian Hirst 'Art' is Factory Made in China

The factory that mass produces Hirst’s work lies in a nondescript Beijing alleyway and the entrance is obscured by hundreds of chickens in cages as well as numerous market traders.

Investigative reporters working for the BBC uncovered the treasure trove of plastic skulls, plates and key ring chains after getting a tip off from a supplier to the Tate gallery in the UK.

“What we found were thousands of plastic human shaped skulls, machine made and painted by overworked Chinese workers who only get 10p an hour wages. It makes Top Shop and Apple look like the Ritz in working conditions, and dare I say, it disgusted me to see objects that are worth approximately 35 pence being sold in the UK for £35,000. I can’t even work out the mark up for that,” Terence Goodwill, one of the researchers for the BBC program ‘Hirst Fraud’ explained.

Hirst is most famous for his formaldehyde shark and cow, which were also manufactured in China much to the dismay of art aficionados.

“Those sharks were not real sharks but made of rubber as were the cow. Hirst wanted ultimate control, and the rubber will last for centuries which will not be the case if they were real. He even wanted the Chinese engineers to put motors in the shark’s mouth, but we dissuaded him on the premise that it would detract from the scam,” one of the engineers of the multi-million pound fraud explains in the show.

Another person who was involved in the fraud said: “The suckers who buy this shit are just that. Idiots and morons with no concept of art. We could tell these dipshits to buy a piece of dog turd and they would fork out thousands. Such is the level of idiocy in the field of conceptual installation art. We took their money and we laughed at them all the way to the bank. I’d say it’s been one of the biggest scams in history.”

Thousands of people who were tricked into buying Damian Hirst pieces are now asking for their money back.

The BBC will air the Hirst Fraud documentary in June.

Spain to Give Back Colonial Enclave Argentina Back to Indians

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“In the year 1536, Pedro de Mendoza, arrived in what is called Argentina and with a large force massacred all the American Indians. The ones that were left were forcibly converted to Catholicism and their babies’ brains dashed against rocks to ensure they went to Christian heaven. What was then called Santa María del Buen Aire, is now Buenes Aires. Before the massacres, the indigenous people of what is called Argentina today, were the Tehuelches, Rehuelches, Rampas, Matacos, Guaycures, Huerpes, Diaguitas, Mapuches. They were systematically almost completely wiped out and indoctrinated. Argentina today is a massive Spanish colony. We want to say sorry for that and we want to give the land back to the original inhabitants,” Mariano Rajoy, told an assembled press corps. from his public offices in Madrid.

Because of the shame of Argentina’s Spanish colonial past, many Argentinians are now going back to Spain and are happily leaving behind their former properties and belongings.

“We, as Argentinians are colonial Spaniards. Our forefathers brutally wiped out the Indians and we are truly ashamed for our colonial past. Yesterday I saw an old Indian lady sitting on the ground weaving a basket. I gave her the keys to my BMW and told her how sorry I was for my colonial roots,” Juan Soldero, a lawyer from Buenes Aires told Spanish TV station, TVE 1.

Former Argentinian president, Cristina Kirchner said: “It’s an injustice that in the 21st century colonial enclaves still exist in the world. This is why we are now leaving Argentina and going back to Spain.”

According to Spain’s current government, there are plans to move the entire Spanish population of Argentina back to Spain within the next few months.

“We are still mobilising the ships so that millions of Spanish people come back to Spain from Argentina and we can give the land back to the original South American Indians. This will be a huge logistical task but it can be done,” Diego Maraputano, the Spanish Foreign Minister, told Spain’s El Pais newspaper.

UK Praised For Democracy Where All Emails Phone Calls Web Use Monitored

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Speaking at London’s Westminster conference hall, Sven Scheisse, the president of the World Democracy Foundation said: “The UK government should be praised for its stance towards an open society of democracy and freedom, where citizens have the right to protest and the right to communicate with each other freely without the fear of being monitored or persecuted for their views. This is why the UK’s Coalition government really stands out as a leader in democracy worldwide. Even under Stalin’s Russia or Mao’s communist China they did not have the level of democracy the UK is now exhibiting.”

Speaking from Downing Street, PM David Cameron was adamant that the new measures would not impinge on anyone’s privacy or freedom in the UK.

Shutting Down the Internet

“Everything you say or do will be recorded. You will be free to be recorded by our Stasi agents. That’s freedom for you, right there, freedom to be recorded 24 hours a day and monitored in your own homes. All Thoughtcrimes will be punished severely and without mercy. Of course, I am a reasonable chap when I say you will be arrested and charged if you say something out of the ordinary or do not support the government’s views in any way. We will be generous to citizens who also sneak on others and report even their friends and family to local Stasi agents or the GCHQ listening posts. We can at any time bring up a file of your thoughts and actions online and give the data to any agency, company or employer that asks or pays for it,” Mr Cameron said.

There are also plans to incorporate a public address system on every street corner as well as listening devices in the streets and homes.

The Shadow Surveillance Secretary, Chris Grayling, said: “This is outrageous behaviour by the Coalition government. They have completely stolen our ideas and doctrines. I guess this proves the fact that which ever so-called party is in power, the people behind the scenes never change. Whitehall had it planned all along cheeky bastards.”

The Chinese have already praised the UK for getting in line with their policies, and hope the UK will also incorporate the mass disappearances of individuals singled out by the state monitoring systems.

The new total surveillance law will be announced in the forthcoming Queen’s Speech in May.

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