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Miliband to be Prime Minister in Alternate Universe

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He may think he’s the best thing since sliced bread, but the delusional Miliband is about as exciting as an adenoid in a jar of formaldehyde. 

“I will be prime minister of Great Britain,” Miliband screeches, in his best demented dalek voice, standing in front of his bathroom mirror every morning.

Ed Miliband is not content with the very public show of fratricide he displayed during his rise to Labour’s helm. His ruthless nature shows that he will commit any crime to get to power, and if he ever shoehorns himself into the premiership, like Gordon Brown did, he will be ruthless and just as evil there as well.

“I will come to ultimate power. Every single day you will listen to my bleating voice barking out orders over the tannoys dotted around Britain. I would sell my own mother to get to power and I have shown my ruthless nature before. I mean it, I want us to go back to spend, spend, spend Britain, where Labour ministers spent your money on perks, trips abroad, gluttony, greed and salsa lessons. Next time around we want to take Britain to the Middle Ages of debt. This is Labour’s message to you, the politics of spending taxpayers’ money until it all runs out. Champagne socialism for the select few, and forty years of misery for the rest of you c*nts who have to pay off our spending sprees. Thank you,” Mr Miliband told the BBC last night.

New Year’s Pledge to Save World Economy Give £5 to Daily Squib

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The Fiscal Unitary Consumer Knowledge Trust, after much research, has revealed the remarkable notion that giving the Daily Squib a fiver is pretty much the only way the world’s economy can be saved, the paper published by the Office of National Statistics on New Year’s Day revealed.

“First of all, Happy New Year folks. The world is in grave danger, we need to circulate more cash in the economy. We want consumers to spend more, that way we stimulate the rusty cogs of the economy and we can get this mother moving once again. If everyone donated £5 (8 USD) to the Daily Squib newspaper, then you would be doing a better service than throwing away your money by giving it to any government or to the banks. At least, the Daily Squib is useful, and will utilise the money by bringing the public even more in-depth analysis, news, and utter, utter bollocks. You must do it, you must. For the sake of our civilization, for our wives, children, and our economy. Step up to the plate, click that paypal button and donate a fiver to the Squib,” Mervyn Hubbard, the key researcher at the think tank said emphatically.

Dear readers, do not worry, the world is not going to end in 2012. The Mayans were strung out on coke and couldn’t even predict the Spaniards, let alone 2012. As for all the nutty preachers predicting the end of the world all the time, even a broken clock is right twice a day. The world is not going to end yet, but the world is still in grave economic and political distress and unless you all help stimulate the economy by your generous donation we’re all fucked, doomed and double fucked.

Well, you heard the hard evidence and facts right there. We urge you to save our civilization by donating a miniscule £5 to the Daily Squib.


 

Thank you for saving the world.


Secret Papers Reveal How Thatcher Cabinet Would Regularly Dress Up As Scousers

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Senior ministers including the former prime minister, Margaret Thatcher, would regularly have special cabinet meetings dressed in scouser costumes, the National Archive papers reveal.

“We do dat doe don’t we doe?” Michael Heseltine, would often say giving former Chancellor Geoffrey Howe a friendly scouser head butt.

Former Number10 aide, Rupert Curmudgeon, recalled: “Everyone including Maggie would be wearing a scouse perm wig, moustache and cheap suit. It was like being in fookin’ Brookside Close or an episode of Bread, like. They’d get the lager out and joke around. Those were the good times, we all enjoyed Scouse Thursdays. I was recently in Liverpool and was being mugged, and I thought to myself, it was just like the old days in Maggie’s cabinet.”

How Long Before the EU Concentration Camp Chimneys Start Churning Smoke Again?

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Those who forget and subdue their past are doomed to repeat it, as the Germans, French and Italians are doing right now. Whatever they try and do, this is the final nail in the coffin for Europe’s freedom as a new cohesive treaty will ensure that all democracy and individualism is snuffed out — just as the prisoners in the shower rooms were when the Zyklon B tablets fell down the mesh tubes and gassed them to death.

To understand the serious nature of the threat of fascism in Europe, cast your mind back to 1930s Germany and Italy, and the rise of fascism.

This Europe that we have today, is very similar to the Reich of the past except there is no outward show of military power. If the hypnotised citizens of the EU were ever to try and question their predicament, the full force of the EU’s fascist force would however come down on them hard and show them who’s boss.

It is only a matter of time before, inch by inch, the EU is revealed to be a totalitarian dictatorship that will be used for mass genocide on a huge scale that will dwarf the technical efficiency in killing of the Eichmann era of Nazi Germany in the 1940s.

Nicolas Sarkozy, is a Nazi sympathiser and practitioner himself, as can be seen with his recent purge of Roma Gypsies from France as well as his racist fascist rants against peoples of other faiths and ethnic backgrounds.

Germany, according to many German ministers and financiers, is infected with low IQ Turkish grocers, who will one day feel the wrath of the searing ovens as the indigenous population reclaims their country from the high frequency breeding Gastarbeiter as they colonise the inner cities. As with any mass genocide, the cleansing will start slowly, then pick up pace as new more efficient final solutions are found.

“The EU has many undesirable populations like the Muslims, Africans and Gypsies in France and Germany and these will be either expelled or killed off. In Europe, there is no place for the Untermenschen, and we will eradicate these people by any means possible,” a high ranking German banker, Thilo Sarrazin, told German state television last night.

Even in the UK, there are increasing reports of racially charged assaults and outbursts by seemingly ‘normal white people’, but these are mere symptoms of the Hegelian dialectic where the problem of increased immigration was allowed and encouraged to happen by successive governments for a very good reason — to create discord, disharmony, hatred and fear amongst the indigenous populations.

An immigration open door policy was allowed to occur so as to create a problem of overcrowding in urban areas; destruction of indigenous culture, valuable resources being used up, intolerance and racism to flourish.

“First you create the problem, then you wait for the people to cry out, then you move in with a solution that enslaves the people even further than they already are,” Gunther Mauser, a German politician told Die Welt newspaper.

Oxford Street End of Year Stabbing Sale Goes Well

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The stabbings did not top last year’s record of forty seven knifings but the poor showing was attributed to the unseasonal weather.

“We had warm weather this year and it didn’t make the shoppers agitated enough. Usually when it’s freezing, they get really riled up and start stabbing like mad,” Constable Peter Milkin, told the Evening Standard.

By mid-afternoon on Boxing Day, the cleanup crews were out in the streets mopping up the mess of Nike trainers, knives, ripped hoodies and blood.

“It’s like a tradition we have every year. The shoppers love it, it’s a bit of entertainment, you know like the bull run in Pamplona. You can either get your discounted shirt and tie or get a six inch knife through your pancreas. Oh nevermind, there’s always next year, you never know, you could be the lucky one next time,” one of the shop owners on Oxford Street told a BBC reporter on the scene.

Tube Drivers Demand Chauffeur Driven Limousines

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London tube drivers, who are paid £65,000 per annum with expense accounts, final salary retirement plans, pay increases every few months and free rail travel perks for them and their whole families, are said to be disgruntled that union bosses have not come up with a better deal regarding travel to work every day.

“We are demanding a chauffeur driven limousine drives us to our respective stations every day so we can sit in a train for a few hours and push a dead man’s handle between stations. Why should I have to pay for petrol in my own car to get to the station where I work?” striking tube driver, Keith Arusholle, told the BBC.

Travellers on London’s Underground network face disruption as drivers belonging to the union Aslef stage another 24-hour strike over working conditions and pay.

Last week, Aslef negotiated another 15% pay rise for the tube drivers and a £7,000 bonus to work during the Olympic games.

Aslef secretary, Barry Blackmailer, told a news conference: “Ho, ho, ho. Once again we want ordinary Londoners to suffer so we can increase our wealth. No doubt, council tax will have to rise to pay for our union members to live the life of Riley. So get to it idiots, pay up, and remember, there will be another 23% hike in train fares as well. Merry f*cking Christmas!”

Michelle Obama Throws Punches Over New Air Jordans

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“I told the Air Force One jet to take a detour and Barack was forced to agree with my wishes. I needs to gets me some of those Air Jordans. I went over to the sto’ and I said ‘Gibs me’ those shoes when a big ol’ mutha tried to take them shoes from my grip. Let’s just say hell hath no fury for a first lady scorned. I nailed that bitch into the middle o’ next week…and then some,” Mrs Obama told the North Carolina Herald newspaper.

The disturbance started inside Carolina Place Mall just after 7am when the Obama entourage arrived.

Witnesses said forty five SUVs and a helicopter arrived at the mall as officials opened the mall doors, crowds of people pushed their way in including Mrs Obama and some secret service men.

“Michelle almost took the door off the hinges. I heard her hollerin’ tellin’ the secret service boys to get as many Air Jordan’s as possible while she bagged four pairs herself,” one shopper who didn’t want to be identified said, “there were women with babies in their hands and they on their backs. Michelle didn’t care though, she said she was putting herself number one fo’ a change.”

Michelle Obama, is known for her love of shoes and is not averse to spending $4,000 on a pair of flip flops even though the U.S. is currently battling a debt of 114.5 Trillion Dollars, she has already spent $17 million on holidays this year alone.

Argies Think It's 1982 All Over Again

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“Argentina’s posturing over the British Falkland Isles is the equivalent of Morocco trying to claim the Canary Islands. Just because something is near something else, does not mean it is yours. One thing the Argies don’t know is that we’ve got quite a lot of nuclear subs in that region and we can flatten Argentina if we so wish. So back off you Argies, unless you want to meet your pals at the bottom of the sea in their Belgrano coffin,” an angry Falkland islander told the Penguin News.

The Argentinians have been smarting about the Falkland Islands recently after British oil exploration company Rockhopper discovered a massive oil reserve just off the coast of the Falklands causing its share price to shoot up.

Argentinian president, Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, has been spreading her good cheer about the Falklands by introducing a South American wide shipping embargo and using threatening language against the UK.

“As soon as we saw those British oil companies, Desire and Rockhopper sniffing around the Malvinas, we suddenly jolted up and said, hey, these are our islands. Anyway, we’re up for another defeat when we try again. This time we’ll have our friends with us and they’ll get a good clunking from the Brits too. We never learn, do we,” Ms Kirchner told Argentina’s state news station, Canal Siete.

Could this be Cameron’s Maggie moment he has so been waiting for?

Italian Scientists: "Jesus Looked Like a Medieval European Man"

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“Our analysis of the Turin Shroud proves that Jesus looked like a Medieval European man, proving that he rose from the dead and left a mark on the shroud. This further backs up all other Christian imagery of Christ wherein he is always depicted with blond hair, blue eyes, pale skin and European features,” Giacomotto Vafanculo, chief scientist of the Turin project told the Italian Rai Uno TV station on Monday.

The profound findings will back up the Christian church’s assumptions that Jesus was an actual son of God character that actually existed.

“Even though he was Jewish, he didn’t look like any Jews of the time, he only looked like a Medieval man in 15th century Europe. I have told the pope myself about this amazing finding,” another scientist working on the project revealed.

Just days before Christmas, the scientific Turin Shroud news has been hailed by Christians as a remarkable miracle.

Jim Bob, 45, a pastor at the Dukesboro Baptist Church from Kentucky, USA, said: “This is proof right there. I’m gonna go tell my congregation right now about this news. Praise our lord Jesus Christ, hell, they put him in that shroud and God wanted his son back so his body floated up from the cave. When they opened the cave all they found was the Turin shroud with his exact European features imprinted on the cotton.”

Next year, the Italian scientists are planning to dig up a mountain somewhere in the Middle East to find traces of the animals that went in to Noah’s Ark two by two.

“Noah got every animal on earth, even insects like mosquitoes and kangaroos, as well as animals only found in the Amazon rainforest, and he got them to go up a ramp into a very big boat. Let’s just say, to carry every species of animal, insect and bird, you’re gonna need a big, big boat. It was even bigger than Silvio Berlusconi’s Bunga Bunga boat and that’s saying something,” Guido Guadagnino, another scientist on the huge project revealed.

No The Daily Squib Will Not Open an Office in North Korea

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As the thousands of grieving crowds wept in the streets in the main square where communist shows of military strength are held every year, there were reports of North Koreans even jumping off high rise buildings.

Not since British former Prime Minister, Gordon Brown’s resignation have there been such scenes of utter despair amongst a population.

The much anticipated publication of the North Korean edition of the Daily Squib had unfortunately been thwarted by a communist party censor deeming the whole newspaper a danger to the state.

“I was waiting to read the first edition. We were waiting for ten years. Every day, they say you can read the Daily Squib, then the next day they say it come tomorrow, then the next day they say we have to wait one more week. How much longer do we have to wait so we can read the Daily Squib? I can’t take it anymore, I’m going to commit hara kiri. Oh, that’s Japanese, never mind,” a very upset North Korean Daily Squib fan told state news before being taken away to a re-education camp.

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