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UK Government: Satirical News Now Indistinguishable From Actual News

“What we do in the Coalition government is frankly ludicrous. We’re in chaos and one only has to see the headlines to see this fact. Is it satire or reality? It’s very hard these days to see the difference,” Edward Mulrooney, the head of the government’s PR team cited in the report.

The Prime Minister himself has vowed to change the way people view the Conservatives and said this in a high pitched falsetto voice: “Swivel eyed loons? No, I want people to take us seriously. Did I just say that? Stop sneering at me you little oik, I want you to take me seriously, waah hah hah hah eeeep eep eep!”

Nick Clegg, leader of the Lib Dems provided even more lunacy yesterday when he told everyone he was fully committed to Britain staying in the EU. To loud guffaws from the backbenches, he was stretchered off to the parliament’s welfare office crying like a little girl.

“You must take us seriously. We are serious in our policies. Honestly..” Mr Cameron said with his eyes moving around erratically.

New Genetically Modified Babies Only Poo Once Every Two Months

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Normal babies poo about 8-17 times a day, and what with the blow outs and poo squirting everywhere, a parent can only wonder if they made the right life choice with having kids.

“These new babies are genetically modified and only poo once every two months. They have normal digestive tracts but instead of soiling nappies on a constant basis, they are much more streamlined. Not only does this save time and effort but it also saves money and the horrible effect of millions of nappies sent to landfills every day. I say we can cut down on unnecessary waste as well as save parents the tortuous effort of peeling away nappies from a baby while it projectile shit’s gallons of poo from its tiny baby butt on a constant basis,” chief scientist at the Child Development Lab in University College London told the Times.

There are also no worries about when the babies grow up, as regular toilet movement resumes from the age of five.

“Sign me up. My little Billy can poo through two nappies at the same time and sometimes the stench is so awful I have to wear a mask.” Jane Tisdale, a distraught new mother told the BBC’s Science Show.

Yahoo Set to Buy New Daily Squib Startup Fumblr

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“I like a good awkward fumble in the dark and when I saw Fumb1r I just had to meet the lads from the Squib. My, my they are experts at fumbling in the dark. I just couldn’t get enough,” Ms Mayer told Tech News Week.

The idea behind Fumb1r was rustled up in the Daily Squib office in less than 5 seconds by one of our staff and has gone on to become a massive internet hit with millions of keen Fumb1rs fumbling away like shitty goal keepers from the fourth division.

“Basically there’ll be no awkward fumbling around in the dark with this blogging smart phone app because it will tell you the age, sex and exact location of the person you are fumbling. It also tells you what their favourite all-time movie is and what brand of toothpaste they like. As for sexual preference, that’s up to the Fumb1r and Fumb1ee. Say you’re at a party, drunk or stoned beyond belief and you find yourself in a dark bedroom with someone, all you have to do is flick on Fumb1r and you will either get the go-ahead or the no-go ahead signal. This app could save your life. Remember, Fumb1r should not be confused with Fond1r, now that’s a completely different kettle of fish,” Joe Sheppy, the chap who came up with the app revealed.

Well, that’s us done, we’re off to the pub now to spend approximately £2.5 billion and we certainly won’t be Fumb1ing our pints.

London Mayor Boris Johnson Invites Toronto Mayor Over to Advise on Capital’s Crack Problem

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“I’ve heard he has a lot of knowledge about crack cocaine,” Boris Johnson told the Evening Standard on Friday.

Crack cocaine is a terrible problem in London’s inner city area and is now even quite prevalent in the capital’s suburbs.

Toronto Mayor, Rob Ford is himself an expert in crack cocaine and can sniff it out from miles away.

Speaking from a crack den in Toronto the Mayor said: “Aaaah that hit the spot. Yeah, sure I would love to come to London, England. Where there’s crack, I be going to that spot. I need another blast of this pipe, hmmm. Hell, I might even introduce Boris to a bit of crack, and I’m not talking about his saucy secretary either.”

Eurovision: Next Year UK to Submit Bono, Sting, Mick Jagger, Paul McCartney and David Bowie and Still Lose

“You could put bloody Elvis up there and if he was from the UK he’d get 10 points maximum,” an angry UK Eurovision contest fan told the BBC.

Musical directors from the UK in charge of Britain’s singing contestants have now come up with a cunning plan to maybe alter the political voting a little bit.

“It’s not just a question of Greece giving Cyprus 12 points, and vice versa. If we put a super group together of the UK’s best artists of all time, we may get in the top five or you never know we could pip Romania or Azerbaijan by a few points,” Ian Templar, one of the directors of the UK Eurovision team told the BBC.

Warbling Ukrainians and silly folk songs from some backward former-Soviet country may very well be left behind next year.

“We’re still going to come last next year, but at least, we tried, innit,” said Sir Mick Jagger from his Manhattan apartment.

Obama Set For Another Beach Vacation This Summer

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“It’s that time of year again. Surf board, check, swimming trunks, check, Marine holding umbrella, check,” President Obama quipped as he was set to fly out to Hawaii today for another three month vacation.

So far since coming into office Obama has played 115 rounds of golf and spent 86 days on vacation, equalling an estimated 976 hours.

The cost of these vacations totals over $78 million, and during his first term as president his Hawaii vacations alone cost the US taxpayer a whopping $20 million.

“I needs my vacations, and it’s not only me, check out Michelle’s trips to Spain and South Africa during my first term, they cost the taxpayer over $45 million. It’s just chump change though, I know Americans are struggling right now to even put food on the table but I’m telling you right now, I gots to get my vacation.” Obama said on Friday.

World Governments Concede They Do Not Actually Own Anything

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“We have come to the conclusion that there are no actual borders or nations. We made the laws up but they mean nothing and no one has the right to say they own a piece of land because it is part of the planet earth and cannot be owned. We therefore relinquish our false claim on the earth and will erase the laws which we have created to enslave people over many centuries,” a spokesman for the G196 World Summit told reporters.

The talks included members from 196 nations and the purpose of the event was to erase all forms of finance, law and nation states.

“What we are saying in very basic parlance is that it’s all made up. All these systems, documents, files, laws, religions, bureaucracy and red tape is all bull shit. It does not actually mean a thing and never has. The papers and documents you have to sign every day to do anything are totally irrelevant. The bills you have to pay to people and organisations just to exist on land that is not owned by the people who are making you pay them does not exist. They are making you pay taxes on things that they do not own. How can you make someone else pay you for something you do not own? The intrinsic value of something is unquantifiable when it comes to ownership of land or property. Money does not actually exist. The government, corporation, conglomerate, religious organisation does not own anything, no government has the right to own a thing. If you exist on planet earth why should you have to pay anyone anything? Think about it and wake up,” a reformed former member of a government told reporters outside the venue meeting place.

There were cheers from the assembled crowd when the news that all governments worldwide would finally relinquish their grip of corrupt greed over the people and creatures of the earth.

Nick Clegg Turning Yellow But It’s Not Jaundice

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The colour of the Liberal Democrat’s logo is yellow and now it seems their leader is somehow turning a shade of yellow reminiscent of their party logo.

“I woke up one morning and I thought to myself what a lovely day for the UK to join the euro currency and stay in the EU. Then I looked in the mirror, lo and behold I had changed skin tone to Lib Dem, or as many say, the colour of fresh urine after a night out on the piss,” the deputy prime minister told his audience on LBC’s morning radio talk show call-in.

Doctors who examined the Lib Dem leader have concluded that Mr Clegg does not have jaundice and have given him a clean bill of health.

“I’m fitter than ever, however I have noticed a strange smell emanating from the pores in my skin, it kind of smells like a urinal. I’m not sure how this happened?” Mr Clegg said.

Obaminoid Aliens From Outer Space Could Invade Earth at Any Time Say Experts

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“We have reason to believe that there are Obaminoid aliens out there waiting to invade earth. Our analysis is that these creatures come from a planet 30 million light years from earth. They are highly advanced humanoid organisms and even have the ability to shape shift,” Professor of Molecular Astro-Physics, Jeb Bullworth, told the Space Science Journal.

The scary findings could develop into a major threat to Mankind some time in the future.

“Well, they could be here already. We know they shape shift. If this is the case they could cause enormous amounts of damage to our infrastructure without us even realising who’s doing it. Like what if one of these creatures somehow became president of the United States and started causing all sorts of mischief,” the professor added.

According to the lab’s research which has been ongoing for the last four years, the Obaminoids don’t like civilian humans to be armed, and they also don’t like humans to be free. They utilise a system of complete control and want to enslave humanity so they can carry out their sordid deeds.

“We’ve analysed data from many sources and are now 110% sure Obaminoids exist. It’s just a question of proving it to the science community now with more reports and presentations with factual scientifically gleaned evidence,” the professor surmised.

Man 87% Certain of Breaking Leg Chops it Off

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“I was reading about that actress Angelina Jolie mutilating her body just because some quack told her a nonsense statistic, so I did the same thing, I chopped off my frickin’ leg,” the man told Fox news on Tuesday.

The man said he was happy to do the amputation if it meant his leg never broke.

“At least I won’t break my right leg,” the man said hobbling around on crutches before falling and breaking his left leg.

There have been appeals from sane people around the world to put a stop to the sheer madness of predictive body mutilation as well as celebrity endorsements of the stupid practice.

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