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EU Says Britain Must Be Physically Moved Closer to Europe

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“Ve haff vays of making you move the land mass of Britain so ve can board your island easier und make ze necessary changes to your former country,” Hans Von Richter, an unelected EU representative said Friday.

The EU directive proposes that the English Channel is filled up with concrete and this will thus link up Britain with Europe permanently.

“There won’t be any white cliffs of Dover any more, just a parking lot,” another faceless EU official revealed.

Plans to start the concreting start in 2017.

Royal Baby to be Given Own Cot Palace

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“You’d think no one had ever had a baby or something, but ay there’s the rub, this one is supposedly royal. He or she is getting its own cot palace thingy, whatever that is?” a commoner from the streets of London revealed.

With 24/7 royal baby news coverage at the moment how come something of this magnitude has slipped the net?

The royal baby’s cot palace will be equipped with a solid gold nappy changing table resplendent with a diamond encrusted nappy pot where the royal poop will be interred, then discarded by one of the four hundred staff on hand. The Italian marble floors of the play pen were delivered from a quarry somewhere in Naples, and the mother of pearl high chair has a big 40,000 karat diamond on the top of it. Maybe something to play with when dribbling.

“The royal baby’s quarters will still be within Kensington palace’s grounds but some say it is actually more architecturally grandiose than the rather bland Kensington palace itself. Prince Charles himself studied the plans and approved of the design, so that’s definitely a seal of approval,” Charles Butterworth, a royal spokesman revealed to the BBC today.

Law Experts: “Why U.S. Justice System Should Not Be Held Ransom By Riot Threats”

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“In essence, this is blackmail. Either the courts adhere to the decision of the baying mobs and current administration or all hell may break loose. By watching the actions of the lifelong democrat judge presiding in the Zimmerman case one can clearly see from her actions that she is supposedly guiding the jury and rooting for the prosecution of an innocent man, George Zimmerman. No doubt, the judge has also fielded threatening calls from Obama and his Attorney General, two bully boys who have to have their own way at all costs. As for Friday’s closing arguments, whilst the defence were only allowed one, which they completed in a factual and logical manner, the prosecution were allowed two closing arguments, mainly composed of emotionally charged non factual rhetoric.  This is not justice, this is how things are done in lawless countries and banana republics,” professor Jerry Brower, a law expert for top Miami law institute Mather & Kelly said on Friday.

One only has to do a search on Twitter to see the double standards of American society with regards to blacks under the regime of Obama.

“If George Zimmerman is jailed for the next thirty years because the courts wanted to please African Americans, I am certain the whites would not riot. They just do not do that. Did the whites riot when OJ Simpson was acquitted for the murder of Nicole Simpson? That’s a firm, no!” professor Brower added.

New Study: “Being Ignorant Really is Bliss”

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“If you see things that most of the population cannot see, then that can be troublesome. Your knowledge and expanded world view can therefore impact on your happiness levels,” Edward Hurley, a Whitehall policy researcher revealed to the BBC today.

The government therefore prefers an ignorant public who are not troubled by intelligent discourse, an expanded world view or thoughts about the efficacy of things like religion and team sports.

“You might not wave the national or team flag if you knew how supporting sports teams is a form of diluting your tribal instincts and indoctrinating you from a young age to be nationalistic/area specific drones. Some women might not wear bright red lipstick if they knew it was a way to advertise their pouting fertile vaginas, and people might not decorate their Christmas trees any more if they knew the Christmas tree is pagan symbolism for the celebration of the erect fertile phallus,” another policy maker revealed.

The study says that happiness is best achieved by less deep thought. Intelligent analysis only brings unhappiness because one sees how society really is and how governments and generationally controlled traditions all over the world brainwash their citizens.

Neckless Giraffes Found in Serengeti

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“This could be something to do with global warming because many tall trees have died off and giraffes no longer need to have long necks.

“The good thing about not having an elongated neck like a regular giraffe is that these new giraffes can run almost as fast as gazelles, so they can escape predators easier and are not as cumbersome as their long-necked counterparts.

“We’re just confused at how quickly some of these giraffes have evolved to adapt to their surroundings,” Dr. Derrick Hammond, a zoologist studying the new species revealed.

The new giraffes (Giraffa noneckus) have already been named and the Tanzanian authorities are protecting the ones that have been discovered as they can be easy prey for poachers and trophy hunters.

“We have to be careful as these neckless creatures are a real rarity and there is huge demand to either capture or shoot them as trophies by unscrupulous hunters.” Abasi Dengo, a Tanzanian official told the state news service.

Billionaire zoo keeper, Ronald McTavish, has put in a bid to house and breed some of the neckless giraffes in his zoo in Scotland. It is yet to be clear whether he will be allowed to procure the animals, as they need special care.

The Big Bang Could Have Been a Little Bang Say Scientists

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“Actually looking through the data we have collated since the 1970s, we can now see that the Big Bang was more of a little puff of galactic burpage. Like the universe expanded out at low velocity from a very mild bang. If you ever heard a bubble gum burst it would be quieter than that, but slightly louder than a faint hand clap. Oh wait, there’s no sound in space, scratch that analogy. There would have been a faint smoky light, not more than that emitted from a tiny birthday cake candle. That’s what I meant,” professor Ernest Winklebottom, told a group of scientists at this year’s annual Science Symposium.

According to the standard theory, our universe sprang into existence with a “Big Bang” around 13.7 billion years ago. We now know that the Big Bang was like a tiny puff of smoke and the universe slowly eased out of that little whiff like a spoonful of jam flopping on the floor with an unremarkable splat.

Obama Admin Tells Zimmerman Judge to do the Right Thing

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“There’s a lot of pressure for the judge on the Trayvon case. She was upholding the rule of law and then she suddenly starts acting funny and coming down on Zimmerman like a tonne of bricks. Everyone has noticed the sudden change, especially when all the evidence clearly shows Zimmerman’s innocence. The Obama admin must have some of those emails swimming around, say no more,” a court side reporter said before being whisked away in an unmarked vehicle by men in grey suits.

What’s the point in a court system in a country where the outcome of a trial can be altered by pressure from the administration?

“George Zimmerman is now facing a thirty year jail sentence for manslaughter for defending himself. If that is not complicity and corruption in a system that is meant to uphold the rule of law, I don’t know what is?,” a woman said before some people whispered in her ear and she suddenly started shouting about how guilty Zimmerman is.

Twitter Twit Tweeted Tweety Tweet

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“Obviously whoever tweeted that tweet is a twitter twit and needs to go to tweet hell,” Aspargo Mulan, a voracious tweeter who sometimes tweets 45 tweets a minute tweeted.

Some tweeters have their tweets linked up to medical devices that tweet their every heart beat and tweet about their daily bodily functions on a second to second tweet basis.

It’s called twitter tweet twitting to many and as the tweets come through every second of the day, you are assured that many more tweets will follow.

Seasoned tweeter Armando Benscombe, 21, revealed his tweet secrets to his 430,000 twitter followers 2 seconds ago: “I tweet on twitter like a twit twitter, get me some lemon, get me some cheese, I’ll be tweeting even if you say no please, twit, twit, twitter twit, get me some twitter tweeting twit twits. Hmm I got the munchies, gotta go twitpic my breakfast, see y’all in a twitter millisecond.”

Michelle Obama Starts Prison Riot in White House West Wing

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“She got angry that the lobster was not cooked well enough. Then she started banging her cup on the table and saying the food stinks. The White House prison guards put an immediate shut down on the West Wing and flooded the area with tear gas,” Larry Somers, the White House’s official prison warden told Fox news.

Michelle Obama, then barricaded all the doors and windows and said she wanted some “real f*cking food”.

“We had to order up some cheeseburgers, fries, a gallon of soda and a large tub of triple chocolate pudding,” Mr Somers added.

Today’s NSA Stock Picks

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5 Amazing NSA Stock Picks

 

1) X-TECH (X-TC) This Chinese tech company’s penny stock is set to rise by 3000% in the next few weeks. I read the details from a recent NSA report stating the company has secretly come out with some really cool tech stuff that no one has yet. The NSA report shows every email that the company directors have been writing to each other. A surefire winner in my book.

2) HALSBRO (HSBO) Reading the NSA report on this Italian widget company, it looks like they’re going to announce they are bankrupt in 5 days. You will surely make a mint by getting in a short position now before the massively overbought share price drops like a rock. Cha ching!

3) CORLINSON OIL (CNSN) A British owned oil company that operates in Nigeria. They’ve just found a gusher but are keeping it secret. The NSA emails reveal they will announce the find in late August. Start filling your boots now.

4) GUSLING PLC (GSLG) You ever seen a rocket shoot up into space? This stock is going vertical on July 27th when the company will announce bumper profits. I’ve seen the NSA report and have already bought as many shares as I possibly can.

5) JIMBOB INC. (JMB) When I read the NSA report for this company I immediately took all my wife’s jewels and her fur coats and sold the lot. The entire board of directors are getting fired on Friday. Get in there quick for the easiest money you will ever make.

This concludes our NSA stock picks for today. Be sure to check here regularly for any more NSA updates on what to buy and what to sell with the exact dates.