17.7 C
London
Sunday, November 8, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 391

Trump Delivers State of the Disunion Speech

Miss Daisy
-
0
Trump Delivers State of the Disunion Speech

The Teflon Don, as we like to call him, is now presiding over a nation so disunited that one can almost smell the gunpowder brewing and the empty shell casings littering the ground.

One one side, you have the Democrats, who have now moved so far left, they proclaim that Karl Marx is too right wing for them, and on the other side you have the Republicans, some who support the president, and some who are profoundly against his every act, who just want to build some protective barriers for their country.

The State is in disunion, it is in affray, it is now close to reaching boiling point where the PC socialists will finally have their supper of rotten eggs served up to them after repeated attempts to taint the Don.

There have even been some Democrats who have been calling for a boycott of the president’s speech.

Maxine Waters, a shameful vile creature who has resorted to calling for violence against anyone to do with the Trump White House, is the epitome of a fired up socialist hit-job — an angry vindictive turd with so many chips on her shoulder she walks with a permanent lean, naturally, she refuses to be flushed down the hole once and for all, and is a stubborn unwashed memory of the left’s anger towards its own country.

The Great Wall of America

It’s the wall that dominates, and has now been embedded in the American psyche after much repetition. Obama wanted his Obamacare and he got it, vice versa, Trump wants his wall and will probably get it one way or another.

If Trump fails in getting the wall approved and funded before 2020, then he will be out, and he knows it. Much of his voter base will desert him, and this is another reason the Democrats are thwarting every move he makes to get the wall up.

Shutdown 2.0

Prepare for another shutdown fight, a governmental battlefield, where TSA agents will fling themselves off buildings daily after not being paid for months. There will be casualties, but Trump can win this one quite easily if he just proclaims a state of emergency. It’s not that hard to do, however someone or something is holding the Teflon Don back in doing this.

Let the battle commence…

 

Why Black People Never Commit Any Crimes

Miss Daisy
-
0
Why Black People Never Commit Any Crimes

It’s true and Liam Neeson is totally wrong to say what he did about wanting to kill some “black bastard” after a friend of his was brutally raped by a black man.

Black people are not all criminals, only a large proportion of them are in relation to other ethnicities in criminal cases. In 2010, The Sunday Telegraph obtained statistics on accusations of crime broken down by race from the Metropolitan Police Service.

The figures showed that the majority of males who were accused of violent crimes in 2009–10 were black. Of the recorded 18,091 such accusations against males, 54 percent accused of street crimes were black; for robbery, 58 percent; and for gun crimes, 67 percent.

Robbery, drug use, and gang violence have been associated with black people since the 1960s. In the 1980s and 1990s, the police associated robbery with black people. In 1995, the Metropolitan Police commissioner Paul Condon said that the majority of robberies in London were committed by black people, but he was completely wrong of course, because black criminals do not exist.

The recent spate of murders in London under the Mayorship of Sadiq Khan, Labour, are predominantly black on black crimes, but day after day, the message that is delivered is that it is nothing to do with black people.

“This is racist. To state the truth. We must brush this under the carpet and hope it goes away in some magical fashion,” a man who received a knife wound to his liver said yesterday before dying horribly in a pool of blood.

More recent statistics reveal more stuff that needs to be buried.

“Almost half of murder victims – as well as suspects – were black despite the ethnic group accounting for just 13% of London’s population.”

And this is just in the UK, if we go over to the United States, we get even more scary figures that need to be discounted and forgotten, or maybe disavowed.

In America blacks make up only 13% of the population but 40% of the prison population. That statistic alone is enough to get a shovel and start burying it, sure, it must be untrue, that shit never happened, no way is that a real statistic.

All of this is untrue, it does not exist, in fact, it all went up in a puff of smoke, because to say anything is very, very bad. The key to all of this is please never address the elephant in the room, because by not mentioning it, the problem will never be solved, but that’s neither here nor there, just ignore all of this, and everything will be okay.

We must therefore let all of this imaginary stuff continue, day in day out, never to be addressed in a Gillette ad or ever solved. Let it continue forever even though it never existed and no one did anything wrong. It was all a dream. You did not read any of this, because it does not exist.

Meghan: The Last Thing an Overworked Prostitute Needs is Another Banana

Miss Daisy
-
0
Meghan: The Last Thing an Overworked Prostitute Needs is Another Banana

Imagine the scene, overworked prostitutes who sell their wares for £4 a pot to feed their next heroin hit, up all night in some freezing dangerous Bristol street servicing punters by the double dozen, turning up at a charity for some food after a long and arduous shift, only to be confronted by a banana gift with a little ’empowering’ affirmation hastily written on it from Harry and Meghan.

“I’ve got an idea!”

Sure you have Meghan, as Harry looks on in abject horror.

One can almost imagine the sheer disappointment the ladies of the night get when the last thing they want to see is another engorged long thing sticking in their faces.

“I was up all night blowing and jerking. Must have done forty last night. I did all of that for £12.46, and this is why I need to come to the charity for food, because I spend the money on my crack fix. I got there and they stuck a large banana in me face. I nearly chundered over it, and oh look, it says ‘I’m special’ on it. I didn’t feel so special last night up to my eyeballs in greasy smelly cocks!”

One royal commentator pushed up their nose and quipped: “Does the Queen of Crassness have any other ideas to make the royals look like a bunch of absolute arseholes?”

While all this was going on, Meghan told Harry to sit in the corner and be a good boy. Poor old Harry, can’t get a word through anymore, slinking in the corner of the room, as all the prostitutes filed by one at a time banana in hand displaying looks of utter disgust and dismay.

Meghan Markle: “Let them eat banana”

Miss Daisy
-
0
Meghan Markle: “Let them eat banana”

The Duchess of Sussex’s personal handmaiden rushed into her boudoir the other day in full flight.

“Ma’am, there is serious news I must reveal to you of the highest urgency. It pertains to the whores of Bristol. Yes, ma’am. They are starving. In fact, they do not even have enough money to buy the simplest of vittles.”

The duchess pondered for a moment, then said “I have an idea..”

“Let them eat banana. Oh, and bring me a sharpie too.”

 

Making Gambling a Less Risky Business

Miss Daisy
-
0
Making Gambling a Less Risky Business

Who would have predicted that gambling would be as popular as it is today here in the UK? But it’s not only hot-trending on our shores. In the USA, with the recent decision by the State Justice system to overturn the national banning of online gambling, individual states can now set their own policies, and this has led to a boom in betting over the internet.

In New York State for example (which is one of the eight states to have already passed legislation legalising it); the gambling industry has become the fastest growing job sector of any industry. It won’t be long before casinos are legally able to offer online sports betting.

Who would have bet on that 12 months ago? Who could have bet on that 12 months ago? Certainly not the Yanks – leastwise not legally on the web.

Calling all potential punters

Industries can’t afford to stand still, and in order to keep the number of new gamblers flocking in, lots of online casinos and websites now offer potential new punters a free bet package when they join up. Nothing, of course, is ever truly free, and such offers are intended to give those new to online gambling the flavour of the excitement.

The enormous recent growth of betting on the internet is down to the success of the World Wide Web, increased accessibility and the explosion of social media. Now, you can crow about your winnings, or cry about your losses, to the world at large, and lots of friends do just that, sharing their pain and celebrating their gain.

The house usually wins

Everyone knows that the house always wins, right? Okay, the odd punter does buck the trend and sometimes wins big. That, when all is said and done, is what attracts the hopefuls. It’s a bit like playing the National Lottery.

The odds of winning the big lottery payouts (and these payouts exist in online casinos and betting sites too) are enormously stacked against the player. According to an article published sometime ago in the Independent, you stand more chance of being crushed by a meteor than winning the Lotto draw. There’s a comforting thought.

But does that stop us buying that lottery ticket? No siree. We humans like to live in hope, no matter what the odds. So, we bow down to the motto that you have to be in it to win it, right?

Keep the customer satisfied

Like any growth industry, you must keep the punters happy, and the best way of doing that is to introduce new, exciting products. In the Gaming Industry, they have done this, first by introducing mobile betting, and secondly by recently bringing in something called “in-play” or live betting, and linking it to live sporting events.

Once-upon-a-time, after you had handed over your money, that was it. Nine times out of ten you could watch your horse in the last leg of your accumulator, trail around the track ruefully chasing the others, or see your team go two nil down and wallow in the misery of your wasted cash. But not anymore.

In-play or live betting

Things have changed. Today, if you place an “in-play” bet after the event has started and while the action is still playing out; you can alter your bet.
What’s more, you can do this any number of times as the action continues. It means that you don’t have to be a “clever Dick” and place your bet before the action has started. There seldom is a “sure thing.”

You can instead be a “smart Alec” and wait until the action has begun; get a feel for how things are progressing before placing your bet. If things change, you can change your bet accordingly.

Gambling is a risk thing

If it all sounds to be good to be true, it probably is. You can’t take the risk away entirely, and if you did it wouldn’t be gambling would it? There would be no fun. But what you can do is to lessen the probability of losing.

In-play betting increases your chances of winning, but you don’t get anything for nothing, so the odds are adjusted downwards accordingly. But when all is said and done, you wouldn’t expect bookies to be benevolent uncles, now would you?

Chaos, Food Shortages and the GBP — Here’s What a Brexit Doomsday Looks Like

Miss Daisy
-
0
Chaos, Food Shortages and the GBP — Here’s What a Brexit Doomsday Looks Like

Shaun of the Dead coming soon to a city near you? Well, there won’t be zombies post-Brexit, but there’ll likely be some chaos. Stockpiling non-perishable goods and growing your own vegetables isn’t just appropriate for preparing for a zombie outbreak or apocalypse anymore.

In fact, it’s now a reality that many Brits are embracing as the potential for a no-deal “hard” Brexit approaches swiftly. Without an extension or freshly negotiated deal between Theresa May and Parliament, Brits both home and abroad are beginning to prepare for the worst come March 29th. Here’s what that looks like.

What you might think of as coming from an episode of The Walking Dead or another post-apocalyptic world is now real life for many Brits. Sales of tinned foods and instant milk have increased by 10 per cent since October in the UK according to research from Kantar World Panel, and for good reason. While we continue to approach the March 29th departure date, it’s looking more and more like a no-deal Brexit is the most likely outcome —and there are real implications beyond just the politics of the matter.

Project Fear

Emergency food storage has become big business for those preparing for what’s shaping up to be a chaotic departure from the EU. With so many Britons concerned about what will and won’t be available following Brexit, food storage warehouses are having to turn down new customers because they don’t have any more room. Both companies and individuals want to ensure they’ll have a stable supply of the goods they’re used to having accessible.

Now, London Metropolitan Police have advised grocers to consider bringing on additional security guards to help keep some semblance of order as many anticipate panic-driven buyers to engulf retailers en masse.

Sterling Up or Down?

It’s not just food that Brits are worried about either. Another top concern for many is the fate of sterling. Of all the things markets aren’t fond of, uncertainty is one of the highest on the list. Given the current climate around the future of Brexit, many are anticipating high volatility in the GBP, especially in regards to the EUR and USD. As we’ve already seen in the past, the GBP has dropped significantly when there’s lack of faith in the UK’s ability to smoothly depart from the UK. After the initial referendum in 2016, the pound dropped to a 31-year low in the foreign exchange markets.

Of course, markets are finicky when it comes to political tension, but the pound’s value has implications beyond just traders in the Square Mile. For British expats living abroad, volatility in the markets means large differences in the amount of money they get when transferring overseas via the internet. Constantly exchanging currencies can be an expensive matter and the incoming volatility is not going to make things any easier for those dealing in cross-border transfers. As if worrying about possible food shortages wasn’t enough, there’s a good chance your money won’t buy as much as it once did if you’re importing food. That’s not a good combination.

Surviving the Mayhem

Assuming Brexit negotiations continue to go down the same path they’ve been going down, there’s no doubt that — at least at the onset — a hard Brexit is indeed going to be, well, hard. Between the possibility of significant food supply shortages, chaotic shoppers looking to quickly scoop up supplies as fast as they can, and the decline of the GBP, it’s wise to prepare for a no-deal scenario sooner rather than later.

Even with well-known Brexiteers like Jacob Rees-Mogg calling the majority of concerns political as a part of “Project Fear,” it’s difficult to ignore the signs that even if things aren’t actually falling apart, it doesn’t mean things will be easy following a no-deal Brexit. Most recently, even Nissan pulled a U-turn and decided to cancel plans in Sunderland for their X-Trail vehicles. Instead, the car manufacturer opted for production in Japan citing concerns about Brexit and the uncertainty it brings to the table amid a plethora of other factors. It’s important to note that Brexit was not a sole deciding factor and that Nissan says none of the 7,000 current jobs will be lost, but comments from Nissan Europe Chairman Gianluca de Ficchy aren’t helping Rees-Mogg’s case either:

“While we have taken this decision for business reasons, the continued uncertainty around the UK’s future relationship with the EU is not helping companies like our to plan for the future.”

“The Best a Woman Can Get”

Miss Daisy
-
0
“The Best a Woman Can Get”

“Girls will be girls VIDEO”

Women are perfect creatures of course, and it is only men who are violent bullying beasts who commit unspeakable atrocities daily, socially and physically. This is the new reality being pushed by those who have the power to present their narrative to millions of people worldwide because they have the right budget and clearance to do so.

The statistics for male suicide reveal the truth that these well coordinated campaigns against men are working. Every day thousands of young men, who are seen as disposable, unworthy, and inherently evil, kill themselves because society is seen to be telling them they are worth nothing. Naturally, not many news or media outlets are highlighting this, or even care.

Global suicide rates among adolescents in the 15-19 age group, according to the latest World Health Organization (WHO) Mortality Database, were examined. Data for this age group were available from 90 countries (in some cases areas) out of the 130 WHO member states. The mean suicide rate for this age group, based on data available for the latest year, was 7.4/100,000. Suicide rates were higher in males (10.5) than in females (4.1). This applies in almost all countries.

Men and women should be coming together, and be portrayed equally by the controlling media organisations. By doing what they are doing, and portraying men in an unfavourable light constantly only creates hatred, discord, suicide, and a malformed skewed society steeped in biased one-sided malicious hostility.

Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) UK

Suicide Prevention Helpline US

What Became of the Treacherous Brexit Saboteurs?

Miss Daisy
-
0
What Became of the Treacherous Brexit Saboteurs?

The stench of the dungeon hits the nasal passage like a Tyson left hook, a pungent aroma of freshly laid vomit, faeces, urine, blood and stale body odour.

“I just made a ploppy in that corner,” an agitated Anna Soubry, jostling for some space in the crowded dank cellar of inequity tells her fellow saboteurs.

Since the Remainer plots to thwart and stop Brexit failed miserably, everyone in the country now knows who these treacherous lickspittle swine are, their names, their faces, where they live, who they talk to and foremost, what they have done.

“I demand a people’s vote, I demand a people’s vote, I dema..” Blair says over and over again, his ears twitch in the near darkness, he continues his mantra, the one his Brussels masters told him to say.

Suddenly, a voice in the darkness tells Blair to “shut the fuck up”. The dark lord leans into a solitary shaft of light flinching in obvious pain. This Prince of Darkness, defeated by an enemy who saw through his plot to thwart Brexit, tweaks his moustache with dedicated care. Mandy, as his close friends call him, grabs Blair by the ear and snarls into his face.

“I told you that one would never work. The people’s vote, what a load of codswallop. I should never have listened to you and your masters in Brussels. They should have listened to my plan exclusively.”

Out of a rat hole, a little head peeks out. It senses an air of discord, then shouts in a hoarse voice “Order, order!” before saying “Division! Clear the Lobby!” then scuttling back into its hole.

“Excuse me, can I say something please? I think I had the best plan,” a squeaky voiced, Grieve yelps in an animated fashion.

“You can shut the fuck up as well!” the Dark Lord shouts.

As the Prince of Darkness slinks back into the shadows, an odious puff of smoke wafts over the whole sorry congregation making everyone cough.

Ken lumbers into the centre of the room, and lets off a large fart.

“When’s dinner served in this bloody place? Since we have been put here, all we get is some sort of measly mush. It’s not exactly Claridges is it? Bugger this, I’m so hungry right now I’m capable of eating one of the ladies (points a fat finger at Amber Rudd).

Before anyone can blink, the scuttling feverish sound of Rudd scrambling away is countered by a salivating Ken Clarke biting down on her left buttock.

Dinner, certainly, has been served..

Socialist U.S. Politician Hospitalised After Face Splits During Speech

Miss Daisy
-
0
Socialist U.S. Politician Hospitalised After Face Splits During Speech

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who recently hailed great success by being elected to Congress, was hospitalised to a Washington area hospital after her face split during a speech today.

“The poor girl was speaking so fast and with such Marxist vitriol that we witnessed her facial skin stretching wider and wider. At first I thought it was an illusion but there was an audible popping sound as the skin gave way on her face literally splitting in half,” Jim Acosta, CNN reporter at the rally revealed.

Dermatologist, Nancy Fethering, watched the footage of the facial horror show and was intrigued by the nasty event.

“I’ve never seen skin split so perfectly. She must have a medical deficiency in certain vitamin intake to have it split, then flop to each side like that. My guess is that she has sandinista educationextremely powerful facial muscles that when stretched to such extremities pulled the skin from her face. Watching this actually brought up a little sick in my mouth.”

When Ocasio-Cortez’s skin snapped, a few gusts of wintery D.C. wind blew making the skin flaps flap into the microphone. Revellers were then regaled with the sound of flapping skin and a disgusting squelching sound as Cortez tried to put her face back together again.

“I saw some people fainting. One lady projectile vomited onto a bald man’s head in front of her, and another woman in the audience started screaming so loud it could be heard in the White House,” a traumatised Democrat revealed.

Luckily Ocasio-Cortez will make a full recovery after being admitted at an area hospital, where surgeons revealed they will simply staple the skin flaps back together again.

“We’s aksing our patient, Ocasio-Cortez to not get so god damned excited during her mufuggin’ political speeches denouncing capitalism, democracy, whitey and America. If she stretches her face further not only will the staples blow out, yo, but her whole damn Sandinista face will flop forward and just fall the fuck off, bitch needs to calm her Puerto ass down!” Resident surgeon, Wakanda Johnsons III Esq. MD, told CNN.

Grand Tour Episode: Triggered Drama Queen Has Hissy Fit in Jungle

Miss Daisy
-
0
Grand Tour Episode: Triggered Drama Queen Has Hissy Fit in Jungle

The latest episode of Grand Tour features a has-been reality show singer having an ‘un-stereotypical’ hissy fit in a Colombian jungle searching for the indomitable trio.

As if he had nothing better to do with his sad sorry life, a triggered humourless drama queen turns up at the Grand Tour’s jungle set to complain about the vibration in his seat when he goes over bumps whilst driving his Wrangler jeep in the Colombian jungle.

“The jeep is bumpy but not as bumpy as I wanted. I had just put on my pink shirt, and chaps, and saw Clarkson and the boys bending over in the middle of the road pointing at their arses, when I got triggered. How dare they stereotype me? That Jeremy does have a rather nice derriere..hmmm.. I pressed on the accelerator pedal and reached a daring speed of 12 miles per hour. Ooh, the bumps on the road were delightful, it was almost like being at my mum’s house when I sit on her washing machine on full spin, anyway, darlings, when I got to the point where the boys were standing, they were gone into the trees,” the reality show singer recounted.

Willy Old, as his stage name suggests is getting rather tired of the non-pc shenanigans from the Grand Tour boys, and has vowed to ‘hunt the bastards down’ in his Wrangler if it’s the last thing he does, it’s either that or get a fucking sense of humour.

It’s raining men

“I started the search for the Grand Tour trio in Cartagena, my mission was to track the Grand Tour boys down and give them all a kissy wissy, and maybe a little oral. The stereo was blaring out Pet Shop Boys and Erasure hits as I drove south towards the Amazon jungle. That’s where I heard they were last seen. Stopping off halfway, I saw some Colombian men enjoying the pleasures of a burro, and I asked if I could join in. I presented my bottom to them and they kindly obliged. They were thankful as the burro they were using was rather clapped out. I on the other hand am loose from overuse, but not Elton John loose.”

As of yet, three months after starting his search for the Grand Tour trio, Willy Old, has not been seen again. He was last spotted going towards an area of jungle where it has been reported there’s an abundance of lost tribes rather partial to cannibalism.

Episode four, of the Grand Tour will not air in February, but maybe March.

1...390391392...830Page 391 of 830
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2026.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.