UK Government Condemning Population to Coronavirus Death By Not Shutting Schools
The UK government’s complacent apathetic stance over the coronavirus COVID-19 virus and its so-called ‘delaying phase‘ by not shutting down schools is one that is allowing the spread to go further into the populace.
The government has not banned any international flights either, something that Russia did in January, and they have zero virus deaths because of their decisive action.
Schools staying open in the UK will be a vast conduit for virus spread throughout the population as children may not be affected as adversely as older people but still spread the coronavirus. They will come home and spread the virus to all family members, some who will be older and later die. There are children of course who do have conditions who will be put at the mercy of the virus, these are not even mentioned or acknowledged by the government.
Overcrowded schools where children are in close proximity to each other, and hundreds of thousands of Secondary school children who use public transport to travel back and forth to their homes from school will spread the virus deep into the population killing countless others.
The House of Commons, and House of Lords all crammed in like sardines, the pathogen should spread nicely and maybe the parliamentarians may take things a little more seriously after they are all struck down with the deadly virus, many of them with pre-existing conditions and over the age of 60 will die.
One can only assume that the government’s ‘delaying phase’ is simply a phase to allow the virus to spread further into the population.
If the schools are not closed soon, then the consequences will be felt deeply as the dead pile up in the morgues.
Shut all borders, stop all passenger flights, shut all schools and let people work from home. If the government does not do this now, as they should have done over two months ago, then there will be a very large price to pay, not just in deaths but economically. The disgruntled, and abandoned population may rise up in mass civil disorder.
Petition Close Schools/Colleges down for an appropriate amount of time amidst COVID19.
Concerns After Biden Refuses to Eat His Food
Democrat presidential candidate Joe Biden’s nurse is concerned for his health as he has refused to eat his mush for the fourth time this week.
“After giving him his morning formaldehyde drip I tried to feed Joe, he just closed his mouth and grunted some words I did not understand, something about me being ‘full of shit!’ and Joe just put on an angry face, keeping his mouth shut,” Biden’s nurse, Janine Cotillero, told MSNBC.
Biden’s campaign manager was also concerned for his candidate, and suggested they might have to feed Biden with a tube.
“We need him on the podium at the rallies, just feed him, do what you gotta do, put the tube in his ass if you have to,” Miles Rundringer, Joe Biden’s 2020 campaign manager told his nurse, according to reports.
Currently, Biden is leading the Democrat race to beat Donald Trump in November’s U.S. election. The Democrats who control the U.S. media, have forbidden anyone to reveal Biden’s true age, however at a recent visit to Redwood National Park in California, a reporter asked Biden how old he is, and he mumbled some incoherent gibberish before pointing at one of the trees, which can live for over 600 years.
BEYOND SATIRE: Coronavirus Conference Cancelled Due to Coronavirus
Sometimes we have gems served up to us at the Squib out of nowhere, with satirical titles that WE SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF FIRST! The above headline ‘Coronavirus Conference Cancelled Due to Coronavirus’ was deemed beyond satire.
Today, we fired one of our writers because he did not come up with the title himself. He is now unemployed, and relaxing under Waterloo bridge in a cardboard box (where all Squib satirists go after retirement) — such are the benefits of a satirist. We don’t give millions of pounds in golden handshakes like banking corporations for failure, penniless satirists are just thrown the fuck out without a penny to their name, and that’s the brittle end of the shit stick.
This satirical headline was spotted in of all places — the Daily Mail, a newspaper that is so over the top that it is extremely hard to satirise because it is beyond the pale of satire itself (especially the ‘sidebar of shame‘ on the right). Things have somewhat tempered since the ejection of Dacre.
Excerpt:
Coronavirus conference is canceled due to… Coronavirus
A conference to discuss the impact of coronavirus on business in the US has been cancelled – because of a sudden rise in infections in New York.
The roundtable, called Doing Business Under Coronavirus, was canned after 173 cases of the infection were confirmed in the east coast city, where the conference was supposed to be held on Friday.
BONUS BEYOND SATIRE HEADLINE – ‘Islamic Scholar Who Said Coronavirus Was “Allah’s Punishment” Gets Coronavirus’
A prominent Iraqi Shia scholar has been diagnosed with the novel coronavirus, his office confirmed earlier this week. SOURCE
If any other Beyond Satire headlines or stories are discovered by a reader, please send in the incriminating evidence to : editorial (at) www.dailysquib.co.uk and you will get a mention.
COVID-19 Infected Health Minister: “There is nothing to see here, everything is perfectly fine!”
Health Minister, Nadine Dorries, who never wore a proper N95 mask, has reassured the hundreds of other MPs and government workers she may have infected with the deadly COVID-19 virus that ‘everything is okay, and there is nothing to worry about’.
Dorries, 62, a former nurse, attended a Downing Street event hosted by the prime minister last Thursday and mingled with hundreds of MPs, and the PM himself whilst suffering from the deadly airborne pathogen.
“Please carry on as if everything is normal, there is no need to worry, simply wash your hands as this will prevent the airborne virus from going in your nose, mouth and eyes.,” Ms Dorries said coughing violently into a bucket.
The advice from government is that full face masks are useless against the virus, and all one needs to do is to first have a cup of tea, and then wash your hands, thus keeping you totally safe from the virus in the air.
“If in doubt, first have a cup of tea, stiffen the lip, and wash your hands with soap,” one minister who is probably infected told the public.
Due to the importance of keeping the economy going over the health of the British public, super spreaders like children in crowded schools will be allowed to spread the COVID-19 virus far and wide infecting millions on public transport.
“We will not close schools because the economy is more important than spreading the fatal virus further into the British population,” another minister quipped coughing harshly into the face of a reporter.
Will Harry Ever Forgive Meghan For Her Crime?
The tragedy of the final appearance of the former prince, Harry and the woman he naively followed out of the royal family, resembles a tragic play worthy of Shakespeare or an operatic masterpiece from another era.
Will Harry ever forgive this odious power mad manipulative commoner who ruined his royalty, who put a stain on his image that will probably never be removed? Meghan, with her constant gleeful fake smile parades her power over the lowly, weak, Harry with a commanding authority much like a pig farmer parades their prize breed boar through the stalls of an auction house.
Harry’s life will from now on be a sad shadow of his previous one, and it’s all down to the emasculating, vindictive monster he has been fooled into mating with. Nothing to lose Meghan gained everything while Harry, who had so much, gave up everything, for little or no return.
One royal fan from the crowd observing, quipped, “Be careful with whom you stick your winky into ‘arry, for it can affect your whole life, drastically for the worse, as you’re seeing now. The initial buzz of the first time lust always dies down.”
“Meghan and her Croydon facelift does not care about Archie, otherwise she would have brought him along on the trip to England for the final appearance, and she vindictively used the child’s absence as a way of punishing Her Majesty, the Queen. Withholding grandchildren to punish, is an oft used technique by parents with a stick to whack,” one angry woman said from the sidelines of the abbey.
The service at Westminster Abbey in honour of the Commonwealth was most certainly marred by the antics and idiosyncrasies of the Firm, something well documented over the decades.
In years to come, or maybe sooner, Harry will resent this woman who took him away from his beloved army mates, his brother, from his country, and from his family, and from the sprawling palaces, the shooting grounds, the rolling hills of England, the Pomp and Circumstance, gone now, a distant memory with only vast straight grid roads and fast food restaurants to look at in his new environs.
Harry, always the runt of the litter, had a reprieve from his status before he met Meghan, and was hugely popular with the public, but now he is back to being the runt, and of course, he is now married/imprisoned to a grand – – – -!
Voice Technologies Development: A Look into the Future. Viewpoint: Rustam Gilfanov
According to research, more than 50% of search queries will be performed by voice by the end of 2020. Furthermore, voice presence will become a strategic differentiator for large companies.
Rustam Gilfanov, co-founder of an international IT company and investor, elaborates on how voice technologies will develop in the future.
Voice technologies development
To date, we have always been printing text if we wanted to find something on the Internet. On average, people can speak 125 to 150 words per minute. This is three times faster than the average print speed.
“It is clear that voice search will someday dominate the online search. Voice queries are convenient and simple; it’s more natural for people to speak than to print,” says Rustam Gilfanov.
According to Google statistics, 58% of consumers have been using voice search to find local companies. This, in turn, provides a wide variety of opportunities for smaller companies, particularly miniature coffee shops and flower shops.
“I believe we will very soon see how voice SEO marketing operates. Most text queries normally contain one to three words, with four to six words being the usual volume of a voice query. Voice queries, therefore, provide more ‘hints’ necessary for understanding customer needs,” explains Rustam Gilfanov.
Many brands include voice search in their digital marketing strategies to communicate effectively with their customers. According to Just AI, businesses are already opting for artificial intelligence-based chatbots over scripting ones. This is a strategically grounded solution for a customer-centric business.
Another significant element in promoting voice search is the development of artificial intelligence. In fact, voice search and other innovations we use today are based on speech recognition.
What will voice assistants be capable of in the near future? Real-time translations from foreign languages would be an example. We will receive personalized solutions based on our preferences. Voices will become more human-like; they will learn to adapt to our context and even mood.
Gilfanov notes: “Efficiency is one of the main reasons why people are opting for voice search.”
The voice search technology allows them to work in a multitasking mode, which was previously impossible to imagine. This new multitasking ability in itself generates new patterns in human behaviour. For instance, many USA-based users of voice search devices have a habit of asking for a brief announcement of the day’s scheduled activities and meetings in the morning.
I am sure that 2020 is shaping up to be a big year for the development of voice technology and for changing our digital experience.
Brief biographical note
Rustam Gilfanov is a co-founder of an IT-company, IT-businessman, and an international investor.
Rustam Gilfanov was born on January 6, 1983, in a small village of Basim, Perm region, to a family of a military man and a teacher.
In 2006, Rustam Gilfanov together with his partners opened an international outsourcing IT company in Kyiv. Today, this company is a major developer of software for the game industry, marketing, and finance.
A few years ago, Gilfanov stepped back from his operational activities in his IT company to focus on international investment in promising IT projects in the areas of financial technologies, gambling, and streaming video.
Rustam Gilfanov also considers it important to develop his charitable projects in Ukraine, the largest of which are “LakiBuks” and “Maybutnyogo Libraries.”
Rustam Gilfanov is married and raising a daughter.
CRASH: There Goes the Pension
Prepare for your pension to be as valuable as a packet of ready salted crisps. The massive plunge in the stock market this month and especially today is just the beginning of a tumultuous ride down.
You’ve been paying into your pension pot thousands of pounds or dollars since you started working, the thing is will you need a pension when society falls, and money is worthless? Public order after months of quarantine will eventually fail, and economies around the world will be in ruins. The only commodity will be food, water and weapons.
“If you haven’t sold off already you’re a fucking idiot. There will be slight moves up following today’s precipitous fall of over 8% but those little blips will be nothing to the torrent of stocks falling,” a broker for Bastard and Bastard Commodities and Securities told Bloomberg Finance.
Due to the West’s complacency and putting their economy first instead of preparing or acting to halt the virus, there will be an escalation soon enough as the viruses Petri dish is full, and the infection expansion will accelerate.
Do not think for one second that things are okay in China just because it is not the focus of news stories, the communist government is covering up the extent of the virus as it is still raging through infected areas and spreading to new areas.
As the planes fly in daily from South East Asia, and Italy with no checks at the airport, there is no doubt that the virus is spreading even further into the UK population. With an incubation period of 24 days it will be hard anyway to check for the infected.
All of this while the mainstream news ridicules those who dared to prepare for the virus. The intelligent people prepared for this months ago, either prior to the Chinese reports or when news first filtered out from Wuhan. Those attempting to prepare right now may just about manage to at the last moment but already supermarket shelves are empty and the vital food stuffs are being restricted by supermarkets.
The government advisory currently is to simply wash the hands, this comes as nurses and doctors wear full headgear, hazmat suits and other precautions. It is of course okay for them to wear these things and be protected but the general public is only being advised to wash their hands. This pathogen attacks the nervous system as well as the respiratory, and can be transmitted person to person through breathing, as it is airborne, not just by sneezing and coughing as is the advice given by those in the media.
If you do not have a high level gas mask with proper filters or N95 with goggles and gloves, you are in severe danger of being infected in public. Cases in Hong Kong record people being infected within 15 seconds of being around a carrier. The virus also was found in the stools of supposedly cured patients, and can be transmitted from the fumes and particles from the stools.
If you do not have at least six months of food preparations by now for you and your family, things will get harder as public order breaks down and the supermarkets shut. There will be no assistance, and instead there will be many gangs roaming the lawless looted cities looking for food. It is key that you have some sort of weapons to defend yourself with in case of home intrusion. Defence will be hard in the UK where firearms have been banned leaving citizens at the mercy of criminals who do have guns.
New Box Office Hit: Toilet Paper Zombie Apocalypse
Directed by Martin ‘Marty’ Scoochio, and starring Robert De Niall, as the hero, the film has been playing to empty cinemas across the globe for two weeks now, and is hailed as the best zombie apocalypse movie during the actual zombie apocalypse.
The real star of course is the toilet paper in the movie, which will have you grabbing a roll yourself to wipe your eyes with — you just won’t be able to undo what you see.
Useless Eaters
“The beginning scenes in Woolworths were amazing man, I was seeing these zombies one after the other with shopping trollies full of fucking toilet rolls, and some were even fighting each other for them,” amateur movie critic, Tony Wipes, revealed on his YouTube channel with two subscribers.
Zombies eating toilet roll, wrapping themselves in it, and of course wiping their pooey asses with the stuff assails the viewer as the camera judders with pure cinematic glory over the horrific scenes.
Padded toilet paper, extra padded, and even the scratchy shit you get in offices, and airports, it’s all fucking there for you horror lovers.
We gave this film a resounding wipe right between the smelly crack, a score of 8/10.
Can you eat toilet paper?
International Women’s Day: How a Woman Built Her Own Swimming Pool
When looking for inspiration of women’s ingenuity and tenacity on International Women’s Day, look no further than a housewife from Amsterdam in the Netherlands.
Nicole Prins, managed to build a swimming pool in her family’s back garden for minimal cost, with minimal help, pretty much all by herself.
This truly astounding feat is certainly beyond what most men can achieve, and 99% of women, but she persevered through rain, shine, blood, sweat and tears to get the job done from the digging phase right through to plumbing, and laying of the surrounding tiles as well as boards, whilst looking after three kids, and working at an office every day.
Any man would indeed be extremely proud to have such a resourceful woman on their side, let alone as a wife.
Please do watch Nicole’s video on this International Women’s Day, because it will truly inspire a deep heartfelt warmth in her dedication and spirit.
