Strapped for cash Vladimir Putin, who deploys multiple body doubles for public appearances while he is in his bunker, is now thinking of hiring them out to children’s parties, Bar Mitzvahs and stripograms.
“Vlad1, Vlad2, Vlad3 please stand over there. Vlad4, Vlad5, Vlad6, one of you will go to Mariupol, the other to Moscow and the other to Siberia. Where is Vlad7? He better not be drunk again!” the real Vladimir Putin ordered from his bunker.
Sources within the Kremlin reveal that Putin has over 70 body doubles working at any given time.
“Sometimes it is confusing. I walk into one room and 20 metres away sitting at the end of a very long table is Putin, but when I walk into another room immediately, Putin is sitting in a chair sipping some tea, so I walk to the hallway and pass Putin faking a limp and looking grim. I go home at night and sit staring at the wall confused,” a maid who works for Putin revealed to Russian newspaper Pravda.
Desperate for cash to fund his unholy war, Putin is now making some of his body doubles available for hire.
For just 200 Roubles per hour, you can hire a Putin for pretty much any event. Some people are hiring a Putin body double as a coat hanger, some prefer to throw rotten tomatoes at their Putin, and even Bar Mitzvah celebrations are hiring the body doubles.
Trying to arrest Putin though will be nigh on impossible, as The Hague seeks to do.
Hendrik Willers, a war crimes prosecutor, revealed the immense problems the team is encountering in arresting Vladimir Putin.
“We have an arrest warrant for Putin, but with over 70 body doubles it is confusing us. Sometimes he loses one or two, but they keep bringing in new ones. They are so crafty, because sometimes you see one guy who you think is the real deal, but another one pops up, and then more come along. It’s driving us fucking crazy!”