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Lily Allen May Quit Music Industry

LONDON - England - There has been sadness and shock that pop starlet Lily Allen has threatened to leave the music biz.

Attending another useless award ceremony where untalented celebrity hacks congregate to get horribly drunk, snort cocaine and pretend to be important in some way, Lily Allen took everyone by surprise by suddenly announcing her retirement from the Biz.

“I’ve given up writing my profound lyrics about shopping, credit cards and banal pastimes like breaking my nails, holidays and my cankles. I am sorry to my only fan who even followed me to Scunthorpe Community Hall the other day for my final gig. I’m sorry I have to let the session musicians go but I’m sure they’ll find more work with the next template r’n’b band or female singer songwriter with pouty lips and kneepads.”

Some may even debate whether the self-proclaimed ‘singer’ was ever in the music biz in the first place or whether it even exists anymore.

“Her daddy fixed it for her and now she’s bored. This is the music biz now, where stupid spoilt little privileged girls can prance around and pretend to be stars. Why don’t they just take their template music and f*ck off back to their shister shallow lives or better still why not retire in style — like put a f*cking bullet into their fat heads whilst miming to their crap session-musician created protools pap live on stage? There would be a little plop as her talentless pea brain fell onto her doting daddy’s lap as he sat on the front row clapping manically,” a prominent music veteran divulged.

Although the ‘music biz’ is awash with similar platitudinous acts overflowing with nothing more than vapid soundbite concoctions and no intelligent discourse or message, Lily Allen’s passing will go down as another putrid message of how non-existent the ‘biz’ really is.

The puggy chunk-legged chav’s fleeting ‘music’ career will be similar to the passing of dirty dishwater down the drain of inequity — drip back into the sewer from whence it came and don’t come back either.

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