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Kate Moss to Join Eastenders Cast

by Pierce Bush
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2
Kate Moss to Join Eastenders Cast

The 24 year old top model is to join the famous Eastenders sitcom and has been training hard at an undisclosed location for the past few months.

“Kate has the right look for the longstanding gritty drama, we were looking for someone like her. She smokes about 80 fags a day, snorts loads of coke and has a face with the texture of a leather sofa from DFS. It was like an instant connection, she gets on with the rest of the cast like a house on fire,” Reggie Warrington, one of the senior casting directors told the TV Times.

The new addition to the cast will see the introduction of much needed glamour onto the set.

“We’ve never had anyone as glamorous and beautiful as Kate on an Eastenders set ever. Her introduction certainly will increase the prestige of our program,” a senior cast member divulged.

Rumour has it that Kate may have an important role to play in the Queen Vic pub, but you will have to wait and see for yourselves.

Kate Moss’ first appearance will be on the 10th of November.

Obama Lower Half is White?

by Pierce Bush
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3
Obama Lower Half is White?

“This shit is motherfu**in’ incomprehensible, I know he’s half white but not like obvious and shit. You mean he got a tiny honkey dick? Is that what you mean?” an Obama fan remarked on a radio talk show program in Atlanta on Thursday.

Well, there has been no such vulgar evidence released so far, however, many Black radio stations are mulling around the rumour that this is the reason Barack Obama is so light on his feet.

“He skinny, he walks around like he’s skipping on air, now if the brother had some serious blackness down there he would be walkin’ the walk. You know, slow and with the right attitude. Our man Obama walks like a goddamn China man, hell even Dubya got a swagger and he’s white, oh yeah, he from Texas,” DJ KC Riggs from Alabama Black Radio WBHJ-FM said on his controversial talk show this week.

The Republicans, always on the prowl for more of their dirty tricks to throw at the new ‘messiah’ have already been interviewing Obama’s previous girlfriends from his law school days.

Joan Richards who was at Harvard Law School with Barack Obama in 1988 recalls her liaison with the senator: “We would study US jurisprudence together in the library. He was a very polite boy and of course I was fascinated by black men. Well, one night after a studying session we went back to my room and we undressed. It was a shock, yes, he is white from the waist down. I could not believe it, I always heard about the rumours about African American men, well, Barack is more dinky dao..he ain’t no King Kong. I’ve seen a bigger johnson on a baby. Let’s just say it was a grave disappointment.”

Obama’s campaign advisers have been quick to counteract the vulgar rumours about the future president of the USA.

Special Hollywood walk trainers and experts in body language are being drafted in to model somekind of swagger onto Obama’s stick walk. From now on there will not be any light-footed prancing around on stage but a well honed home-boy with a true purpose and ego.

“We have drafted in the best people to coach Obama. He is also watching MTV Cribs daily to see how rappers and basketball players walk and move, those guys hold the key to Obama’s presidency, soon we’ll have him walking like Fiddy or Suge, you’ll see,” a campaign aide told CNN on Thursday.

Jonathan Ross Accepts Reverse Charge Call Costing Him £1.3 Million

by Pierce Bush
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5
Jonathan Ross Accepts Reverse Charge Call Costing Him £1.3 Million

Jonathan Ross received the most expensive phone call in the history of phone calls the other day.

He received a reverse charge (collect call) phone message from a Spanish waiter called Manuel from Barcelona.

The phone call went something like this:

Operator – “Hello Mr Ross, you have Manuel from Barcelona on the line, will you please accept the reverse charge call, it will only cost you £1.3 million f*cking quid you mug?”

Wossie – “I…i’m so sowwy, my caweew, ooh it’s all gwone, what am I gwonna do now? BBC Gwovell Gwovell Gwovell *Crying like a little girl*…the money the money!!! Pwease no not that!!!!”

*CALL PUT THROUGH*

Manuel – “Si senor, isa my granddaughter, you mention her si onna da radio? You shoulda not mention ‘er senor…Remember Don’t Mention the Granddaughter!!!”

BBC Controller – *CLICK*

Wossie – “Boo hoo, it’s all ovahhhhhhh Aaaargh!”

Now all we have to do is get rid of his bloody annoying brother off the airwaves too.

Obama Being Groomed to be Fall Guy President

by Pierce Bush
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9
Obama Being Groomed to be Fall Guy President

American Election Race Special

Barack Obama is set to be the first black (African American) President of the United States
of America and ‘fall guy’ for the many years of destruction committed
by George W Bush and his cronies on the US Constitution, economy, US
world standing and internal affairs.

“George W Bush has ruined
America and his perpetual wars of terror on the rest of the world have
caused irreparable damage that may never be fixed – that’s why we’re
bringing in the boy to take the fall,” a representative from the
Pentagon told Fox News on Friday.

The American people who
have large daily doses of intense fear pumped into their homes
constantly via the Fox News Network of Terror and Propaganda are all backing Obama 110%.

House Ni**er

Former
Secretary of State, House Ni**er and Uncle T*m, Colin Powell was on
hand to support Obama last week with a public endorsement. Powell was mostly noted for his role in
being told to lie by his keepers to the UN about Saddam’s WMD program
which was supposedly ‘capable’ of attacking the western world in 15
minutes.

Anacondi

Condoleeza
Rice is another prime example of a master’s puppet. Her holders have given
her leave to buy expensive shoes and have meetings to discuss further
meetings for more meetings where she can act like she “knows shit like
her massa.”

Shaquanda Wendell, a 39 year old housewife from Philadelphia, makes a valid point about how she views the Secretary of State. “Someone
needs to find Condi a man or something, she be going round and causing
the death of millions of people in the world because she don’t have a
man and is angry and shit. There must be a man somewhere that can
please her and stop her wanting to destroy the planet. Is there a man
out there who can be with Condi so we can all live in peace? ”

What Shaquanda probably does not realise is that no man can take the place of what Ms Rice really wants.

Taking the Fall

“If we
need someone to take the fall because of our illicit profiteering, greed,
lies, illegal unconstitutional practices, torture and corruption we put
one of them
in charge for awhile. Do you even think for one second we would ever let a black become president in a normal climate, hell no! This guy is going to get everything thrown at him,” John Thompson, a senior GOP representative, was
quoted as saying from the Wyoming Republican caucuses this week.

John
McCain’s campaign office has already released details of their impending loss,
the Republicans want Obama to win because they know he has no chance of
cleaning up the George W Bush mess. The predominantly white Republicans
will then simply blame the ‘black man’ for a poor job done, something
they have been doing for many years.

“When
George W Bush leaves office, he will be hailed a hero by the American
people and Republican guard. Obama will then be placed into office to
take the can for ‘dubya’s’ horrific mistakes. We don’t want any part of
this mess and we will allow the black guy to take the heat and be back
for the 2012 election with Sarah Palin. That is if America is still
around by then,” Mr Thompson added.

Republicans do not want the post-Bush presidency. They know what George
W Bush has done, they know that the damage will take many years to
recover from.

Bush Legacy

What kind of a situation would ‘fall guy’ Barack Obama inherit?

A $28.8 TRILLION price tag for the disastrous Iraq/Afghanistan imbroglio with no end
in sight, a $9.7 TRILLION national debt, increasing
unemployment, a sub-prime mortgage fiasco that has destabilised the
world’s economy, a damaged US worldwide standing, a weak currency,
perpetual US made wars with no exit strategies, monstrous trade deficit of $740 TRILLION and
an
infrastructure buckling under the strain of incompetence and waste,
60,000 US soldiers injured and over 5,000 reported deaths in Iraq alone, energy shortages, a
destabilised Middle East with millions of innocent civilian deaths and
displaced peoples, US foreign policy that has brought the world to the
brink of WW III.

What better scapegoat to complement these elements of imminent destruction? Enter Barack Obama.

New Study: ‘Why Stupid People are Cleverer Than Clever People’

by Pierce Bush
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4
New Study: ‘Why Stupid People are Cleverer Than Clever People’

If you are stupid, you are actually clever, a new study funded by the George W Bush Scientific Research Institute in Washington has concluded after 15 years of gruelling research.

“Over 15 years, we included data from over 50,000 subjects of all age groups and demographics. There was a distinct correlation of research data collated within the time period that suggested to our team that the stupider the individual the cleverer they are in real terms.  For example look at one of our prize test subjects, McCain VP pick, Sarah Palin. Our research concluded that what she says may seem totally stupid to everyone else on the planet, but she may be operating on a plane of thought which is actually in league with the great thinkers, she is the Einstein of Alaska, a true genius in her own right,” Professor Al Hertyu, the senior research scientist for the project concluded.

Palin who was cited as being “so stupid that she is actually incredibly intelligent” is one of the high-profile subjects on the researchers’ list that has made the headlines.

George W Bush’s intelligence level has been compared to an “aphid” by some commentators, however, researchers for the study were astounded at the president’s high IQ results and cognitive skills.

“We tested the president with the use of banana treats. If he got a question right he would get a banana thrown into his cage. We were astonished to see a marked improvement in his skill levels on mathematical tests when he was rewarded for the correct answers. By the end of the first session with Bush he was completing multiple equation exercises and complex trigonometry. He could not string a coherent sentence together however and we are still working on that,” the professor added.

Out of all the nationalities tested, Americans came out on top for all the tests. There were high marks for stupidity with all American subjects mainly due to the dumbed-down culture of extreme stupidity that pervades their nation. The level of stupidity was at times so high amongst Americans that the team had to design specific tests solely for this group.

The team thus deduced that Americans were so stupid that they were actually clever in their stupidity. After all, they voted George W Bush into office not once but twice, and you can’t get more stupidly clever than that can you?

Ku Klux Klan to Hold Obama Love Parade When He Wins Election

by Pierce Bush
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2
Ku Klux Klan to Hold Obama Love Parade When He Wins Election

“We feel nothing but love for Barack, he has brought us into the new light, the black light of love. Peace be upon him and we know that America is going to rise once again from the ashes of George W Bush’s mistakes, I know Mr. Obama is uniting our people together. Once we were mortal enemies, today we shake hands and smile. May Jesus bring peace upon him,” Vinton McNeill, leader of the Blount County, Alabama Klan group told the Daily Squib.

All across America, the many branches of the KKK are uniting to show their love and solidarity for Senator Barack Obama.

After publically endorsing Obama over Hillary Clinton in February of this year, the Klan has fought a solid PR battle to entrench their new allegiance with the American people’s favourite, Barack Obama.

It seems the introduction of a gun-toting, creationist, lipstick-wearing psychopath by the Republican spin machine has barely dented the Obama Klan affiliation. In fact, the introduction of Sarah Palin by the ailing Republicans has merely strengthened the love between the Klan and Obama.

“The Republicans played a good game, they thought by introducing Sarah Palin they could muddy the waters between Barack and the Klan. They were wrong, we are now a Klan of love and peace. We have thrown our arms down, we have thrown our lynching ropes down, we have thrown our burning crosses down. Instead of these symbols of hate, we now embrace symbols of love, like flowers, pot pourri and tie dye shirts,” Emmitt Richardson, Kludd of the Bayou Knights of the Ku Klux Klan told the Daily Squib, whilst taking a hit from a huge bong at his Bayou Lafourche log cabin home in Mississippi.

After pouring thousands of dollars into the Obama campaign fund, has the Klan made the right decision, have they backed the right candidate? “We believe Obama is the next coming, he could be the next Messiah. We see the end times coming and we know that the rapture will take us up to be with Jesus soon enough. Obama is our saviour, our last chance to repent before the big one comes. This is why we believe in love now and not hatred. Here in our compound we have even brought in negroes to live amongst us, this would be unheard of a year ago, and now it’s happening.”

Today there will be another march through the town centre to reiterate the point, that the Nu Ku Klux Klan want to make — “Make Love Not War”.

African Americans who have been persecuted by the Klan for hundreds of years are still on the whole cautious about the transformation of one of the most feared race-hate groups in America. The sentiment, however, within the black community is one of positivity towards the Klan’s new doctrine of love and kindness.

“Hell, I used to fear the Klan whenever we saw them coming through this here way with their burnin’ crosses and shit. But now, we got no bad blood but love ya’ll see. They now come through here and throw dollars and flowers at us. They changed I tell you. It’s like they realised Jesus’ teachings and how we should accept all men and women and it don’t matter what colour or creed you is. The Ku Klux Klan finally read the bible and know that we all God’s children, we were all made from the same piece of clay on the sixth day or something like that,” Shaqeela Ebony, 45, a crack addict from Tyewhoppety, Kentucky told the Daily Squib.

Madonna to Adopt New Husband in Africa

by Pierce Bush
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1
Madonna to Adopt New Husband in Africa

Pop megastar Madonna is to adopt a new husband from an underprivileged part of the world.

The mum of four will travel to Africa and test males to see if they are worthy of adoption by the great Madonna.

The stringent testing will involve mega sessions in bed with the 56 year old woman and rigorous body examinations to determine durability.

“Madonna will personally test all the males to see if they’re up to scratch. Her libido is immense and she sometimes needs to be sated 10 – 15 times a day,” a spokesman for her Management company told us.

The Madonna adoption convoy left London three weeks ago and is slowly snaking its way through Mali after passing through Morocco then cutting through Mauritania.

If Madonna does not adopt a husband by that time they will carry on across to Chad passing through Niger then down to Gabon, Angola and Zaire.

By that time if she still has not found an adopted husband they will carry on to Tanzania, Mozambique then finally ending in Lesotho deep inside of South Africa.

African countries have been bristling with advertising announcing the “Madonna New Husband Adoption Convoy”.

Ngiri Omdongo from Zaire has set about preparing his friends for the Madonna meetings that will take place next month: “She is like royalty for us and if she picks one of us it will bring great riches and honour to our village. We will be living in London and Beverly Hills and drive fast cars woo hoo! The only painful thing we have to do is service the old granny every few hours, yes we can deal with it!”

One of the requirements Madonna has stipulated is that her new husband like her previous one, has to walk three steps behind her whenever they travel together and that they have to be quiet if addressed, only speaking if their opinion is required. She has also stipulated that no ’emotional retards’ should apply, unfortuantely that rules out most men on the planet.

“She will still be looking to adopt a young husband, but this time from an African background. It will also be good for little Banda who will have someone to play with,” the spokesman for her Management company reiterated.

Senior Citizen Attacks Beauty Pageant Contestant

by Pierce Bush
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1
Senior Citizen Attacks Beauty Pageant Contestant

Alaskan beauties who glided down the ramp in a glitzy beauty pageant contest organised by the Alaskan Fashion Society, Igloo, in collaboration with the local Alaskan Culture and Arts council, were disturbed by an incident during the swimsuit presentation today.

One of the contestants, Miss Sarah Palin was attacked as she got on stage to show off her swimsuit.

“Miss Palin was onstage and was showing off her talent when there was a commotion in the audience. A geriatric man of about 139 had got past security somehow and with one of his hands cupped one of Miss Palin’s breasts whilst making lewd remarks and actions. The man was quickly arrested and is now under custody. The traumatised contestant is currently being give councilling after her attacker left his false teeth and a large amount of slobber in her cleavage during the commotion as he was arrested,” organiser, Joanna Wachika told Alaska Daily News.

The man was later identified as Jonathan McCain from an Arizona Nursing Home. He had escaped last week and had been on the run with no sightings.

Because of the breach of security this year, the organisers have vowed to increase all security for the 2009 contest.

New Fed Chairman Assures U.S. Economy Fine

by Pierce Bush
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0
New Fed Chairman Assures U.S. Economy Fine

After
a brief introduction from the American president, the new Fed Chief
took to the podium to declare that all was “A-OK” in the economy and that
there was “nothing to fear”.

Mr Sahaf added: “It
has been rumoured that we have fired scud missiles
into the US economies bad debt mountain. I am here now to tell you, we
will blow those infidel deficit dollars into satan’s inferno and burn
them like butchers.”

Raising
his fists in the air as he spoke, the fearless new Fed chairman
commanded deep respect amongst the watching studio audience.

“There are no economic crisis in America. Never!“

Speaking of debt collectors Mr Sahaf warned : “They’re not even within 100 miles of Wall Street. They
are not in any place. They hold no place in Wall Street. This is an
illusion… they are trying to sell to the others an illusion.”

Mr Sahaf was appointed by president Bush early yesterday and his
eagerness to tackle the task at hand was so great that he took to the
airwaves the next day to prove his worth.

President Bush was praising his new appointee at a golf game late this
afternoon and welcomed his truthfulness ” In this time of crisis I knew
the American people needed someone who tells the truth. Mr Sahaf is
right there and he says the economy is fine. There is no need to panic
folks. Now watch this swing.”

Sarah Palin Honoured at George W Bush University

by Pierce Bush
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0
Sarah Palin Honoured at George W Bush University

The George W Bush University of Higher Learning is a seat of excellence
that has demonstrated many incredible feats of academic and technical
prominence.

Established by George W Bush in 2003, the university has even given Princeton and Harvard substantial competition.

The universities patron and founder, the current
President of the United States was on hand himself to present the honorary
degree to Mrs Palin.

Speaking from the universities grand hall, the President was pictured looking
as scholarly as ever and positively professorial in his demeanour. 

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen. If one’s proclivities and sensibilities towards the cum laude tribute of our esteemed guest, Sarah Palin does not fall within the parameters of angular momentum and venerable integrity, then beat me with a bunch of freshly picked bananas. Her geographical knowledge is second to none, just last week she informed me over a cup of Earl Grey that she could positively identify Europe on a map. I then went on to ask her what she thought the ‘credit crunch’ was. She tentatively replied — a type of biscuit. Indeed, and I produced from underneath the table some freshly baked ginger nuts for her consumption. I then asked her who the terrorists were. This was the clincher my fellow alumnae, she replied: “Anyone who is not a White Right Wing Creationist Homicidal Gun-toting Moose-eating Gas-guzzling Fox News Watching American.” Well, there you have it, her candidacy and qualifications for the honorary Doctorate are immaculate.”

Palin, 44, who has proudly reduced the entire population of the Alaskan moose down to three solely by herself last winter has also given her backing to research
into causing more worldwide war and conflict with insular and ignorant foreign policies.

“I
am extremely honoured to be receiving this honorary degree from such a
distinguished university,” she said, “with such a dynamic
international reputation.”

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