“These buses will solve London’s awful public transport problem where people are pushed into moving boxes two to a dozen, like rats they are squashed together smelling the armpits of old men and sniffing the fart gas of some tramp who has snuck into the holding pen for travellers. And I’m not just talking about that old git, Livingstone either. The new buses will be luxurious, resplendent with air conditioning for the summer and heating for the winter. There will be televisual entertainment for every floor and a drinks vendor will be employed on every bus. Because of the nature of public transport in London, hoodies, chavs and other oiks will not be allowed on the buses and there will be a guard on each bus, ensuring that they are kept off,” London Mayor, Boris Johnson told the London Transport Symposium meeting yesterday.

Already, great excitement has been created amongst Londoners and tourists alike.

“This will be a great selling point for London, especially for London’s 2012 Olympics visitors. The tickets for the buses will be slightly higher than other buses, but in time we will bring those down too. Also, we hope to roll the buses out to other parts of London after an interim period,” the Mayor’s deputy, Linko Drepman, told the Evening Standard.

The new pentadeckers will stand at 58 feet high and will run on biofuels thus keeping pollution down. Their cost is a closely guarded secret, but because they were manufactured in China, the Mayor has assured taxpayers that the buses are very affordable and the number of passengers that each bus can carry will pay back the costs very quickly.

Joel Hammerstein, a lawyer from New York said: “I saw the pictures of the new buses they’re going to have in London. I immediately phoned my wife and booked a two week holiday.”

The new pentadecker buses will be limited to Oxford Street and Piccadilly for the moment but should be rolled out to many other routes across the Greater London area by 2018.