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How the EU Referendum Will Work

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“First you sweeten them up, reduce red tape, be seen to get rid of some of that EU fascism stuff that is the core element of the European Union, et voila the British swine will have the feel good factor coming up to the voting.

“Any dissenters must be shut up immediately by the media, and as the game goes, dire economic threats of what would happen if they do not vote in favour of the EU always work wonders as well.

“Economic blackmail is a very useful technique with the proles, you know like you will lose x amount of jobs, ad infinitum.

“We also have additional techniques to fool the voters of any EU referendum, but we will not reveal those tricks here.

“Hang on, was it the Irish who once voted against the EU? Well, it was simple, we just told them to vote again in our favour and it worked.

“So, to recap, feel good factor, teasing, pleasing, economic blackmail, media wiping dissenting voices and a good dose of lies. Remember the Scottish referendum was a dress rehearsal for the British, and may I add, they performed very well.

“Naturellement, once all is done and dusted and the fools have done our bidding, the honeymoon is over, we have them lock, stock and barrel, this is when we really tighten the screws and stop playing around,” EU president, Jean Claude Stuka revealed to the Luxembourg media whilst sipping a fucking huge jug of cognac.

Sarah Palin Says That Ebola is a Country in Canada

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Former Governor of the Alaskan Tundra, Sarah Palin has claimed that Ebola is a country right in the middle of Canada.

“It’s right next to the Serengeti and I hope there ain’t no Mooses around or should I say Meese? Huh? Dangerous creatures, that’s why I shoot them all the time. Say, did I tell you about the time I was in Canada, I used to call it the Paris of South America except there weren’t any pyramids there or Yangtze river. Well I been hearing a lot about this Ebola country, and it sounds darn dangerous, maybe they need to shut those Russians down, oh holy bells, I got that mixed up with something, I meant Mount Fuji, or was that Finchley High Street?” Mrs Palin told Fox news during a recent hunting trip.

Syria Meeting Carbon Targets

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Carbon lifeforms are being reduced by the millions in Syria and may even exceed targets for 2018 says the Obama administration agency in charge of global emission carbon targets.

“Without anyone left in Syria, carbon emissions will be reduced considerably. We have given the country an A+ status for this alone. We are pleased with the current progress being made and will increase funding to other countries that adopt the same strategy for reducing carbon emissions globally,” Niles Flatter, revealed in a recent report published in the Wall Street Journal.

Pistorius Shot Ghost of Reeva Steenkamp House Servant Reveals

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Mamuso Mnopo, 34, Pistorius’ housekeeper ran from the property in terror when she heard the gunshots.

“I was cleaning the floor when I looked up and saw Pistorius talking to this beautiful white figure, all he kept on saying was ‘Why don’t you just die!’ over and over again. He then grabbed his pistol and shot like a wild man at the ghost. I’m not sure if I heard the ghost laughing as the bullets passed through it. I just ran out of there, oh my god!” Mnopo recalled to reporters on Sunday.

Mrs Mnopo is currently receiving counselling and is not planning on going back to her previous employer.

Finally: Obama Reveals His US Foreign Policy

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“It’s very simple, I bend over and take everything in my ass,” a jubilant Obama revealed from one of the White House’s many toilets.

Speaking to media groups from his palatial toilet office, Obama has shown strength in his US foreign policy and many gains.

“We lost Iraq, we lost Ukraine, we lost Afghanistan, we let Ebola in, and we lost control of US borders, we lost the support of important strategic allies like Turkey and Israel, we lost the support of our own people by spying on them, we lost the economy through uncontrolled spending on my useless pet projects. It’s been great, now excuse me while I spread these cheeks further, ooooooph!” the president said with a strangely pleasured look on his grinning face.

Maybe now is the time to take a bite of impeach, but with so many cowards running around as of late, not a bent over Obama butt chance.

Clacton: Ukip in Da House!!!

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Yo, yo, yo we got sum news for all y’all hip hop krews. Ukip in da house! All right the Houses of Parliament, innit. But what an amazing coup for the Ukip boyz.

“Everybody got their clackers out when the news hit Clacton that Ukip was in da house. Now they have a seat in parliament and soon they’ll get more. It’s certainly not a good omen for the Tories or Labour but that’s the way politics goes,” an excited Clacton voter revealed on Friday.

The polling revolution is beginning, and as Farage sups on another dead Tory, we come to the unbridled question of what will happen in the 2015 General Election?

“Vote Labour get EU socialist, vote Tory get EU socialist, vote Ukip get a party that wants to save Britain. What about the Lib Dems I hear you ask? Who? They simply don’t exist any more,” another excited voter revealed.

Ukip in da hizouse..yo,yo,yo!

Man Catches Ebola by Reading Ebola Article

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A man from Texas has caught Ebola by reading one of the thousands of Ebola articles in news outlets across the internet, the U.S. Authorities have revealed.

The unnamed man started to display the symptoms of Ebola immediately after reading an article on the infectious viral disease.

“One minute I was reading the piece and the next I was flailing around on the floor with my eyes about to explode,” the unnamed man said from his quarantine cell.

The moral of the story is….

NHS Prepared For Ebola?

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“Ebola can be carried in any bodily fluid, sweat, tears, minuscule water droplets in someone’s breath, semen, blood, faeces and vomit. But there’s nothing to worry about as the flights from places like Liberia, Sierra Leone and other African countries arrive daily into the UK’s porous borders. It’s of course not only African flights, because many of the infected usually transit in mainland Europe before arriving in the UK. There is no screening, and the infected may not show any symptoms for 21 days. During that 21 day period, one person can infect thousands, especially through sexual relations. There is a suspicion that Ebola is airborne, it is highly likely that tiny water droplets in human breath can easily transmit Ebola when it is carried in the air to other hosts.

However, this Ebola mass infection does pose a few questions for the NHS. For example, if thousands of patients descend onto any hospital simultaneously will there be enough secure treatment rooms available? Most hospitals in England and Wales are hugely understaffed and overcrowded, mainly because of the treatment of immigrants from poor Eastern European countries wanting free health care. It does not take a brain surgeon to realise that any further influx of Ebola infected patients will seriously impact on already straining NHS hospitals and rapidly descend into chaos, thus infecting people further.

The UK is at an advantage with being an island only if it stops all air travel, as this is not economically viable for corporations and the British economy, airports will thus be left open to massive influxes from Africa and the Third World eventually leading to a possible pandemic of Ebola. If the UK shut all ports of entry during the coming Ebola global pandemic, then it would have a chance of survival, however the current government’s slack, apathetic attitude could lead to an eradication of large swathes of the British population in the foreseeable future.

There are further factors that will increase the severity of the Ebola virus: the virus is transmitted through sexual relations, as most Africans and other blacks have a high voracity for sexual relations, once they infect any member of the indigenous populations, then the virus will spread like wildfire. All it takes is some Ebola infected person to go to a nightclub and infect hundreds, as for the promiscuous nature of large portions of the public, this would be worse than AIDS because even the mildest of human contact will allow it to spread.

We are seeing incidents of doctors and nurses, heavily suited top to toe in hazmat suits, wearing filtration masks becoming infected whilst treating Ebola patients, putting this into consideration, what hope does someone in a crammed underground train have of not being infected?

The onus lies in survival. If the government were serious about Ebola they would stop air and sea traffic immediately, or prescribe a 25 day quarantine period for any travellers from outside the UK.

Why Stretching Your Mouse Pointer Across Screen is Hard Work

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Josh Wilmer, a tech guru working for Apple has studied the new phenomenon.

“Say you’ve got a folder a-a-a-a-a-a-all the way on the other side of your screen. Well, you gotta move that mouse pointer, or if you’re on a touch pad stretch your arm all the way across. It really is so tiresome and repetitive. Our studies have found it is really pissing a lot of people off. Like I have a 25 inch monitor, it takes me until next Tuesday to move the pointer from one end of the screen to the other, and the mouse is on fast sensitivity. Aaaaaaargh!”

What is the solution to this odious problem, where people want instant results for their computer operations? Surely there must be a cure for the ever increasing problem of the lazy arm?

“Chip implants are the future, you won’t even know it’s there. Bam, look, think, and you can complete any operation you want instantaneously without even lifting a finger or dragging a pointer across some screen. Many companies are working on that right now. In less than ten years we will be having chip implants directly into the brain, and these will link us with our machines,” Wilmer added.

Putting a microchip in the brain does seem a little invasive, but it will probably be introduced slowly, via a head piece that is worn externally and triggered by electromagnetic brain waves.

The possibilities are endless, just as a computer can work on multiple functions simultaneously so too will some humans.

Once these baby steps are achieved, the human will interact with AI systems seamlessly  and productivity within jobs that are still viable will increase. There will be some time however until the introduction of chips powerful enough to completely understand every single synapse and neuron, but progress always comes with momentum, as more technical advances are introduced a waterfall envelopes all tech companies vying for the next big thing.

Argies Invade Top Gear

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“I thought I was in Goose Green for a minute, especially when that Argie Falklands vet threw a stone through my windshield,” a dismayed, James May told BBC news from Chile.

Jeremy Clarkson was rather more sanguine about the whole affair: “I was blaring out Rule Britannia on my car stereo going through some favela when a large concrete block came through the rear window wrapped in an Argentinian flag. I immediately slammed on the accelerator and ran over an old man waving another Argie flag. I think at this point I thought I should reverse and took out a few more of the bastards. Made a right mess of my front bumpers and windshield.”

As for the hamster, last anyone heard, he was seen cowering in the boot of his car pleading diplomatic immunity.

Next stop for Top Gear, a tour of Paris, France, in Hitler’s Mercedes Benz.