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Obama Appealing For Black Vote in Midterm Elections

Sum Ting Wong
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Obama Appealing For Black Vote in Midterm Elections

 

Unpopular president, Barack Hussein Obama, was appealing for black votes for the Democrats in the upcoming midterm elections today.

Speaking in Tennessee in a ghetto, the president cut his speech short after two minutes when locals had an impromptu block party.

Here is some of what Obama managed to say: “All y’all voted fo’ me lass tam. You know twice y’all voted fo’ me, so Ima gon ax you three tam. Vote for Democrat three tam. Thank y’all fo’ y’all listening y’all get back to dat block partay. Pass me that blunt ni**a, ooh wee!”

Paris Opera Cast Refuse to Perform for Ninja

Sum Ting Wong
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Paris Opera Cast Refuse to Perform for Ninja

 

Hiroku Tojitsu, a master in the art of Ninjitsu was told to leave a Paris opera house after members of the cast refused to perform if he remained in the audience, officials said.

The ninja, described as “a tourist from a secret Japanese silent assassin sect”, was hanging from the chandeliers near the front row during a performance of La Traviata at the Opéra Bastille, the deputy director, Jean-Philippe Morose, said.

France banned Ninjitsu in 2011. The ban was upheld by the European Court of Human Rights earlier this year.

Mr Morose said performers told him during the second act that they would only continue if the ninja left. During the interval, an attendant told Master Tojitsu that he should put the shurikens away and stop threatening theatre goers with his ninja antics.

“He did get a little upset and threw a shuriken at a prop, but the last straw was when he performed multiple flips onto the stage interrupting the cast during their performance,” Mr Morose said. “After a big chase around the circle the ninja threw down some white powder and there was a big flash. He was gone.”

Last year, a Ninjitsu expert stopped by police in a Parisian brothel was nearly arrested after disarming 12 officers in less than a minute, fleeing through a tiny window and causing damage to brickwork by clambering up walls. The incident sparked anger from Japan’s French consulate, who decry any discrimination against their ninjas.

Have You Been Bitten by an Ebola Mosquito?

Sum Ting Wong
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Have You Been Bitten by an Ebola Mosquito?

 

Imagine being bitten by an Ebola mosquito whilst you’re in deep sleep, you may not even hear that annoying whining sound or even feel it. Wake up in the morning have your brekkie and out the door to work, next day you’ve got fucking Ebola.

“It’s the trials of our times innit, you can get Ebola from mosquitoes because the virus is transmitted through blood and various other bodily fluids. At least vampires aren’t real, imagine having a vampire sucking your blood and transmitting Ebola into your bloodstream from a previous victim, that shit mingles. Leeches as well, no I’m not talking about the wife, talking about those little black things that stick on you and suck your blood, they’re nasty because they release an anaesthetic so you don’t even know they’re there. If you live in a country up in the northern hemisphere you should be relatively okay, but I do feel for those poor sods in hot countries,” a man in some pub said whilst drunk out of his head.

Oscar Pistorius Went From This to This

Sum Ting Wong
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Oscar Pistorius Went From This to This

The former athlete was driven to Pretoria’s Kgosi Mampuru prison where Bubba Mkosi, a hardened murderer and bodybuilder was waiting for him in his new cell.

“I can’t wait to meet my new cell mate. Me and my friends are all star struck. We haven’t had a wit seun in here in ages. Don’t worry Oscar, we will go light on you, plenty of butter,” Mkosi revealed to local news services from his cell.

Judge Thokozile Masipa gave Oscar Pistorius a five-year jail sentence for culpable homicide, but cleared him of murder because he was a celebrity.

New Film: ‘Planes, Trains and Ebola’ Box Office Hit

Sum Ting Wong
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New Film: ‘Planes, Trains and Ebola’ Box Office Hit

The latest film released by Fix studios is about two men trying to get to their relatives for Christmas.

They’re travelling from West Africa to Chicago, and they have to resort to going on trains, boats, helicopters, and planes to get to where they want to go. It’s a beautiful film and comedic. There’s also a tinge of sadness as they realise they have Ebola when they get to their relatives house for Christmas and everyone there gets infected as well. The last scene will not leave a dry eye in the house, everyone dies of Ebola, including the pet budgie called Mooch.

The Daily Squib watched the pre-release version and we all wanted to get Hazmat suits immediately.

Five stars, recommended for your Christmas viewing. Release date December.

Chloe Madeley: Twitter Troll From Somewhere in South East Asia to Get Two Years Prison if Found

Sum Ting Wong
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Chloe Madeley: Twitter Troll From Somewhere in South East Asia to Get Two Years Prison if Found

 

Dubbed Chloe’s Law, anyone who says anything nasty on twitter that a celebrity does not like can now be prosecuted and jailed for two years.

“Forget about Ebola, Isis, or World War III, we’re dispatching all our resources to comb the whole of South East Asia to find this twitter troll so they can spend some years in jail,” DCI Lenny Tattletale, for the Metropolitan police told the BBC.

Finding the twitter trolls is also now the first priority of David Cameron’s government, and the PM consulted a top secret COBRA task force to seek out the twitter troll who is residing somewhere in South East Asia, although the odious person could be moving around making the task even harder.

“It’s like trying to find a needle in a giant haystack. But this is really important, innit,” an NSA operative said on Sunday.

The cost of the whole operation will be in excess of £2.6 billion all paid for by the taxpayer no doubt.

Why Britain Deserves to Be Ruined by Ed Miliband

Sum Ting Wong
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Why Britain Deserves to Be Ruined by Ed Miliband

Ed Miliband will win the next election and this will cause the ruination of Britain, but it’s not a bad thing to have pestilence and ruination visited upon you, if one wants to look at this fact, just gaze over the Channel to France where Hollande is wreaking havoc on the French, or how about the United States which has been reduced to a measly suppurating festering orifice by Obama — voted in twice by idiots and morons alike?

Your Vote is Meaningless

“Obama voters are the turds of the population, anyone who voted for him is an easily fooled ignorant sycophantic piece of detritus that needs to be euthanised with extreme prejudice. The same goes for the moribund robots who voted Hollande in, and when it comes to Miliband, only the worst of the worst will vote for him. There are certainly many of these people, if you would like to call them that, within the populations; it is their decisions to vote for obvious destructive megalomaniacs and to cause the destruction of nations from within that belies the futility of the faux reality created for them. To say that Miliband is a scourge, a disease, is putting it lightly, he is an affront to rational thought, a white head about to explode on the arse of the whore of Mendes, as for Cameron he is no better, in fact maybe even worse,” a Westminster commentator revealed on Wednesday last week.

Disaster and ruination are roles, if properly planned, can cause chaos, economic disaster and complete social breakdown.

These implants into the ‘leadership’ of nations are naturally well planned, manipulated and elections are generally well processed affairs.

“There is no such thing as a democracy, because the plebs may think they are voting for something when they are in fact voting for more of the same. Whether you vote Conservative, Labour or whatever, you will get the same government departments, the same policies from before, the same laws just on a different side of the same coin. Democracy is only a tool to stave off revolution, because when you have change, the plebs think they have something different, which is not the case in the least. All sides, at the highest levels know their roles, because they serve something higher than the plebs can see. The charade is played in every successive election, it does not matter one iota which element of the same wins an election, the masters always win,” another Westminster insider revealed.

Obama to Meet and Greet Every Ebola Flight From West Africa

Sum Ting Wong
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1
Obama to Meet and Greet Every Ebola Flight From West Africa

 

“I’m going to meet and greet personally every African coming off those planes, there may be thousands, they may have Ebola but I want to show Americans there is nothing to fear. I will hug them, kiss them and shake their hands. We need to accommodate these poor people who are coming here for free health care and so what if they have Ebola, it is their right as humans to infect as many people as possible. I’ll be on the front line, and I’ll be smiling and holding my head high because I’m right and you’re all wrong,” the president said on the tarmac of New York’s La Guardia airport as another flight from Africa landed yesterday.

Dmnongo Tchibilosa, 34, from Equatorial Guinea was eager to meet the president as he left the Ebola ravaged country on Saturday.

“We have been told we will be welcomed with open arms. I can’t wait to spread some Ebola to everyone in the United States. Oh, I meant spread some love. Thank you Obama, you have shown great African spirit by letting us all come to USA. Yay, who wants some Ebola lovin’?”

George Soros: “Nah, I didn’t See This Happening”

Sum Ting Wong
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1
George Soros: “Nah, I didn’t See This Happening”

“Back in August I increased my put holding to $2.2 billion dollars on the S&P. Now it’s paying off, remember folks, this is only the beginning, we’re below the 200 MA by a mile now. I just got off the phone from my pal Barry, oh how we laughed, he’s loving it,” Mr Soros said from his jacuzzi.

Unless you’re trading the VIX, things may get a little hairy, especially as the DJIA and S&P have dropped well below the 200 MA.

The bears are back in force this time with a vengeance, and as you watch your pension value depreciate daily, maybe it is time to take George Osborne’s advice and use that money pretty sharpish.

It’s 1929 all over again.

Why North Korea is Probably the Safest Place on Earth Right Now

Sum Ting Wong
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0
Why North Korea is Probably the Safest Place on Earth Right Now

Air traffic into North Korea is almost non existent and this is the reason why it will survive any form of pandemic.

“We knew this would happen sooner or later, something like Ebola. We have time on our hands, while the globalised world is getting infected with one virus after another, we here in the People’s Republic are enjoying ourselves with the thought that we’re out of the globalised community who are in serious danger. Keep letting those planes fly, idiots,” Kim Sum, a regional manager for Pyonyang relayed to the BBC’s South East Asia news service on Wednesday.

So how does one get into the closed off country of N.Korea?

We asked an immigration expert at the University of Kentucky, Dean Summers, who has officiated on many international migration problems.

“If you want to live in N.Korea you have to be a communist and agree to all staunch communistic rules that may apply. Currently, N.Korea is a country that is cut off from the rest of the world, not only politically but travelwise. Although this may be irksome to anyone who wished to try and save their lives from the irresponsible leaders in the West who are wilfully endangering their populations by encouraging Ebola struck countries to fly into the United States and Europe, some people may try and migrate towards South Korea then pass through the border to the North. There are many drawbacks, because you could be deemed as a spy, or break some petty rule and be executed, or worse still sent to a concentration re-education camp.”

Well there you have it, N.Korea is now officially the safest nation in the world.

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