Black box spike spy device (left) MI5 Director General Jonathan Evans (right)
LONDON – England – Just when you thought it was safe to venture out of your frozen hovel, news that the UK government wants to track your every move even further than it already is doing, may cause some concern from some liberty minded people.
George Orwell wrote 1984 as a piece of fiction, however it seems his dystopian vision of some nightmarish future world has well exceeded even him, and we are now at a juncture where everything that a person does in the UK is logged, tracked and used against you if need be.
Thoughtcrime is very real, as many have been arrested for speech on social networks like Twitter and Facebook, but now the UK government is acting in an altogether sinister fashion by proposing every Briton has an implant in their anus to track their every move.
“The spiked black rubber device which is actually quite large will be inserted into every citizen’s orifice and no one will be able to move it,” MI5 Director General Jonathan Evans, told the Daily Mail newspaper.
He added: “We are doing this for your own good, as a security measure against your own security.”
UK spy agencies will install the spiky ‘black box’ surveillance devices on every citizen in the United Kingdom to monitor internet use, personal movement, spending habits, sexual habits, toilet function, medical matters and anything else they can think about, it emerged today.
The spy network will rely on a technology known as Deep Anal Packet Inspection (DAPI) to log data from all forms of communication and movement.
The government argues that swift access to all of the data is critical to the fight against terrorism and other high-level crime, and it vows to make every British citizen a virtual prisoner in their own country.
MI5 chief Jonathan Evans told the committee: “We are also proposing using an electric shock system that will come into force in 2019 wherein if the implanted person dares to have a free thinking thought or speaks out against the government in any way they will receive a varying degree of electricity directly into their anal passage.
“I think I would be accurate in saying that this threat would be sufficient in creating a society of robots who live in abject fear of electrical shock and destitution.”
Naturally, the disarmed pliant British people have no say in what happens to them and many voiced their appreciation of the government implantation plans.
“If you’ve got nothing to hide then there should be no problem. I invite the government to implant my arse with a spiky black box monitoring device because I am a pliant fool with no balls or guts and do not actually have a backbone,” Joe Yellowstreak, 43, a Civil Servant from Ruislip, London, told the BBC today.
Plans for mass implantation of the UK population will be implemented by 2018 and the taxpayer will be required to foot the bill for the medical insertion of each spiky black box spy device. The device will cost in the region of £350 and if damaged by the recipient when inside their body could result in imprisonment or death.