Oxford Street End of Year Stabbing Sale Goes Well

LONDON – England – The biggest Boxing Day stabbing sales frenzy in British history was marked with only thirty four stabbings yesterday as numerous bargain hunters were murdered in Oxford Street.

The stabbings did not top last year’s record of forty seven knifings but the poor showing was attributed to the unseasonal weather.

“We had warm weather this year and it didn’t make the shoppers agitated enough. Usually when it’s freezing, they get really riled up and start stabbing like mad,” Constable Peter Milkin, told the Evening Standard.

By mid-afternoon on Boxing Day, the cleanup crews were out in the streets mopping up the mess of Nike trainers, knives, ripped hoodies and blood.

“It’s like a tradition we have every year. The shoppers love it, it’s a bit of entertainment, you know like the bull run in Pamplona. You can either get your discounted shirt and tie or get a six inch knife through your pancreas. Oh nevermind, there’s always next year, you never know, you could be the lucky one next time,” one of the shop owners on Oxford Street told a BBC reporter on the scene.

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  • Dave Simmons

    I was walking through the streets of London earlier when I felt a sharp stabbing pain in my stomach.

    I was being stabbed.