"Don't want no Barney Rubble or Bird Lime, nah don't make a Pen 'n' Ink about the situation. Just 'and ovah the Sausage and Mash before the Rozzers get wind of the scam."
ESSEX – England – The Daily Squib has managed to hire a Lord to change the law in our favour.
Since the Labour government meddled with the House of Lords in 1999, any old ‘oik’ can become a Peer of the Realm.
For the right amount of cash anyone can now hire a member of the House of Lords. So it was my job as resident investigative reporter to do just that.
Most Lords do not need much in the way of persuasion to walk around in a pair of stockings, stilettos and a whip so we had to come up with an even better and interesting proposition for our hired Lord.
“Hows ’bout changin’ the laws so that it is punishable with a fine for not visiting the Daily Squib’s website. I can do that fer a good enuff fee, innit!” Lord Chuffings from Essex told us in a seedy cafe in Dagenham town centre.
How much would the Lord be taking this afternoon?
“For you’se lot I’ll do you a deal. ‘Ere, ‘ow’se about sixty large?”
Our reporter hands over an envelope containing sixty thousand pounds but nearly loses it when it falls into the dripping peers plate adorned with the greasy remnants of his egg’n’chips breakfast.
“Thanks lads, I’ve got two more appointments of cash collecting today then a slap up meal at Claridges and an appointment with my favourite dominatrix in the Westminster dungeons. I’ll change the law for you next week,” the chap then takes a last swig of his dishwater tea, burps, farts, then leaves the premises whilst looking around hurriedly.
Seems like it is just another boring day in the House of Lords.