Why Reading the Daily Squib is a ‘Better Pain Relief Cure than Painkillers’

Shut up and read

YAKIMOVO – Bulgaria – A team of neurologists found that reading anything from the Daily Squib can lead to “partial or complete relief” of head pain or any sort of pain in fact.

The study, from the University of Funster, Bulgaria, suggests that instead of using traditional painkillers, reading the Daily Squib can completely eliminate pain from readers.

“You can get your f*cking leg sawn off with a rusty blunt saw and as long as you’re reading the Daily Squib newspaper you won’t feel an ounce of pain or get a headache,” professor Radocu Allevia, told the BBC World Service yesterday.

Their research, reported in Dolorem, the journal of the International Pain and Headache Society, found that more than half of pain sufferers who read the Daily Squib during a prolonged painful episode experienced an improvement in symptoms.

They suggested that the Daily Squib triggered the release of endorphins, the body’s natural painkillers, through the central nervous system, which can in turn reduce, or even eliminate, pain.

“The majority of patients who were in constant pain did not feel anything when they were presented with the Daily Squib,” the study concluded.

“All we heard was groaning though when they were reading the Squib which suggests they are still possibly feeling excruciating pain by reading that utter f*cking dross but their mind is somehow blocking it out,” another researcher revealed.

The research team suggests that the Daily Squib somehow numbs the reader and tricks their brain into thinking that they’re not feeling pain but in fact reading the Daily Squib increases actual pain levels to excruciating levels and is a paradox for scientists.

“Maybe by creating so much pain, like levels you will not f*cking believe, the Squib forces your body to release the body’s natural pain relief drug, endorphins. This is one theory we are working with,” Aldous Nuwerld, another scientist on the project revealed.