Banks Now Require Applicants to Beg for Mortgages

"Please sir, can I have a loan?"

LONDON – England – Applicants for a home loan will have to beg at the feet of bankers under proposals to improve the regulation of the mortgage market.

The Financial Services Authority (FSA), the City watchdog, has called for more “begging and snivelling” from the public if they wish to obtain any home loans. The criteria to be applied by banks and building societies, with borrowers subjected to rigorous begging on the carpets of banks will eventually increase lending say bankers.

“The more you beg the more we listen. We’re even considering having a beggo-meter installed in all of our branches,” Ashmole Beane, branch manager for the local Natwest branch in East Grimsdale told the BBC.

If applicants do not grovel enough in front of the lending officer they will be ushered out of the door and told to come back in a few weeks when they have got their begging skills up to par.

“You will be required to kneel in front of the bank worker and emote with gusto. How much do you want to own a house? We want to see tears, despair and utter desperation. Then if you pass the first level we want to know every minute detail about your shitty life. Which pub you drink in? How much you spend on booze and what the cost of your wife’s yearly undergarment expenditure is. Presented with photographs and bar charts, of course,” Mr Beane added.