Alex Salmond: A Message From Glasgow

GLASGOW - Scotland - The Daily Squib has had the honour of interviewing former Scottish National Party (SNP) leader, Alex Salmond after the crushing Scottish Referendum defeat on 18 September 2014.


We conducted the interview in Alex Salmond’s home town of Glasgow in his council flat which he shares with his pet budgie Angus and a few heroin addicts on the estate.

DS: So how are things after the disastrous referendum vote which many see as Scotland having being robbed of freedom?

Salmond: I’ll always be defiant to the end, it’s not over even if the fucking cat purrs, and don’t count us out yet, we Scots have a wee bit more fight in us.

DS: Since your resignation as SNP leader, how have you been spending your time?

Salmond: You ever heard of Special Brew? Well, I’ve been downing a lot of that, also whisky, crack cocaine and a wee bit heroin just to calm my nerves. I have a lot of time on my hands now, I go down the benefits office and get my giro, by mid afternoon spent the lot. It’s not easy. This is how 90% of us Scots live our short lives.

DS: What do you think of Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling?

Salmond: I can’t say the words here, but I don’t think they’re Scottish. In the old days they would’ve been strung up on a tree and dealt with the way way we deal with traitors.

DS: Do you feel let down by big business?

Salmond: It’s called blackmail where I come from, they threatened people, so they voted no. If you scare people enough they’ll do anything.

DS: Do you think it was right for the Queen of England to intervene during the referendum?

Salmond: Put it plainly, no is the answer to that. It was a very well placed sentence, she wanted people to think carefully. Now I’m a politician and I know if people think that can be dangerous for them. Well, there it was, the answer was no independence for Scotland.

DS: Yes, but to be honest you didn’t have much of a detailed plan for the Scottish economy did you?

Salmond: Excuse me (Salmond takes a swig from a can and burps loudly). Plans are for sissies, we were about getting our freedom, where there’s a will there’s a way, we would have been like the next tax haven or something, you know like Switzerland.

DS: Do you think there will be another chance for Scotland to gain its freedom?

Salmond: No. That’s it for Scotland. We’re a beaten people now, because we’re not Scotland any more. Same thing happened in Northern Ireland. Once you let them in, that’s it. Now fuck off, I’ve got a date with some meth.

The interview ended abruptly when our reporter was kicked out of Salmond’s dingy flat.