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New Militant Apostate Jihadist SNP Leader Humza Yousaf Vows to Break Up UK

GLASGOW - Scotland - New SNP leader Humza Yousaf has vowed to break up the United Kingdom.

There’s a good reason why the bampots in the Scottish National Party (SNP) voted for a deranged militant foaming-at-the-mouth fake Jihadist, Humza Yousaf to head the party.

“Aye, after we let Wee Jimmy Krankie go, we needed someone with some passion to head the SNP and fuck the UK up. We scoured the streets of Glasgow and came up with this jihadist looking gadgie. Our reasoning is, we told him he would get 72 goats in heaven if he breaks up Scotland from the rest of the UK. As soon as we told the dirty bawbag about the virgin goats, he was on the job like no business,” a senior SNP official revealed on Tuesday.

Mr Humza Yousef is so dedicated to breaking the UK up, he attends the Scottish Parliament buildings with a fully functioning suicide vest at all times.

“I don’t like losing arguments me, if you say something I don’t like, I may detonate.”


Despite giving off a pseudo-jihadist image, Yousaf is in fact viewed as an apostate and traitor by Muslims. In 2023, Yousaf vocally supported same-sex marriage and gender reforms for trans people. He also voted in favour of the Gender Recognition Reform (Scotland) Bill and has also vowed to secure the rights of LGBT community in a written constitution if Scotland gains independence.

There is, however, great fear in the UK that Yousaf could break up our great union.

Imagine a terrible existence of not having immediate access to a Haggis, or a deep-fried Mars bar? Scotch whiskey is no doubt the best in the fucking world, and being glassed in the face by some Begbie character in a dark Scottish pub is the highlight of many. These are some of the small things we would miss from Scotland. We ask you not to go.

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