Sergeant Mary Huntstinks was today honoured for her service with a Medal of Honor from Joe Biden. Infantry squad leader with Troop C, 1st Squadron, 9th Cavalry, 1st Cavalry Division, Staff Sergeant Mary Huntstinks who is posted at Fort Meade, Maryland was involved in a deadly fingernail drama on August 15, 2022.
That day, during a routine ironing session for her dress, the wire holding the heavy-duty iron initiated an assault on the ironing board and threatened to fall off. Under heavy steam engagement and spluttering hot enemy water drops, Staff Sergeant Mary Huntstinks moved the iron to safety, pulled the plug out of the socket and halted the steam jet from affecting her wig. Afterwards, having broken several nails, she dismounted and continued trying to stop the wayward iron spluttering until receiving enemy steam jets to her face and torso. She refused to evacuate and led a small group of Marines to try and locate her broken fingernails, which had somehow gone under her bed. She then aided in evacuating the steamy iron to a bath tub until she was ordered to seek attention for her broken nails. She was honourably discharged on December 29, 2022, and today performs risqué partially nude shows to primary school children, educating them in the ways of trans issues in Oklahoma City.
Joe Biden had a tear in his eye as he awarded Staff Sergeant Mary Huntstinks with the Medal of Honor for her brave service to the United States Army.
“We needs brave, brave, jippity mememe Imma get icecream — where am I? Folks, we need brave soldiers like Staff Sergeant Mary Huntstinks, er…was it Mary or Mike? (aide whispers in Biden’s ear) oh yeah, gimme a break man! Mary Huntstinks, not Mike. I hope you got those fingernails back? Sheep, sheep, quizzle alama dama ding dong…phew Is it time for ice cream yet, jepotta vanilla mammaries.”