With soaring inflation and energy costs, people are finding it hard to afford to heat their homes. Don’t fret, here are some solutions to the big freeze that anyone can do to stay warm this freezing winter.
- Public libraries are excellent places to stay warm if you can’t afford to heat your own home. You can also sleep in them, and they have toilets. Just grab a copy of your favourite newspaper, find a quiet spot to sit down and get some sleep in cosy warmth as the library radiators are on all day at full whack.
- If you live in London, the Underground could be a great place to stay warm. It will cost you the price of a ticket, but you could go from station to station all day up to midnight at some stations. Make sure to also travel around during the rush hour as well, as all the bodies crammed together in the carriages like sardines will increase the temperature. Generally when you are underground it will not be as cold as your home or outside. You can take a book or even a sleeping bag, maybe some sarnies and a flask.
- Visit the Houses of Parliament. Even though there is an energy crisis for the rest of us, MPs have all their radiators on at full blast all day long. It can get so hot sometimes that they have to open the windows.
- Get arrested and put in prison for at least the duration of winter. Yes, you read that correctly. Prisoners in England and Wales have their heating on 24 hours a day. You will not only get free food, plenty of drugs, PS5 gaming and lodging but will have a lovely cosy time in winter during the energy crisis while everyone else freezes.
- If you can’t afford to heat your home or feed yourself this winter, why not stow away on a cargo ship to some far off hot land? You could find yourself in Somalia or Tunisia. Look at it as an adventure, off the beaten track, and the real bonus will be you will not be in freezing Britain. If things go well, you could even make a new life for yourself.
- (BONUS) Join the army. Marching up and down the square will certainly keep you warm in the winter months. Reveille at 4am and a 30-mile hike up a mountain somewhere in Wales. Assault courses are also abundant and when you have Sarge shouting down your neck hole it will give you extra impetus to run faster, and keep warmer. If you are lucky enough and war actually breaks out, then you may have additional methods of keeping warm with things like exploding tanks, mortars, exploding mines and maybe a few nukes.
See, it’s not all doom and gloom, is it?