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10 Ways to Survive the Cost of Living Crisis

LONDON - England - The cost of living crisis is affecting millions of households across the UK. Here are ten ways to survive the crisis.

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People can’t feed themselves or their families. Heating your home or travelling in a car is now so expensive that many have chosen to ditch their heating and cars. Businesses are going bankrupt. Jobs are being lost. Yes, the cost of living crisis is deepening every day as another prohibitive stealth tax is daily introduced by the Treasury. Here are some tips on how to survive the insane levels of hyperinflation/stagflation that is cursing us all in Britain.

  1. This tip is the easiest way to bypass the cost of living crisis. Simply stop living. We won’t go into the various methods involved in this method of avoiding the cost of living, but be creative.
  2. Move to Africa. Everything is cheaper in the African continent, and if you find a rural village somewhere, you can live in a hut with no electricity, no running water and limited food. Pretty much the same as living in a Liverpool council house.
  3. Go to prison. First, you will have to commit a crime so that you are imprisoned. In prison, you will be guaranteed to get three delicious hot meals, heating, PS5 gaming sessions all day and plenty of drugs.
  4. Get a job with the Treasury or Whitehall. Work from home whilst furnished with a plentiful salary, benefits, free gym and lucrative gold-plated pension scheme. You and your family will never go hungry again.
  5. Beg in the streets. This one is hard because of a momentary loss of dignity. Park up your Mercedes around the corner, but be sure to wear some urine soaked dirty clothes. Smother your face with dirt and tie your dog up with a piece of rope. You will invariably need a sign of some sorts. You’ll be making £150 a day minimum, but it’s a hard graft and long hours.
  6. Join the army. You are guaranteed meals of some sort and a bed to bunk in. Heating wise, the barracks are usually freezing, but the thirty-mile runs you will have to do every 5 am will soon warm you up.
  7. Become a Catholic priest. You will receive riches beyond belief, especially if you are promoted to some bishop post in the Holy See, or something like that. The benefits of priesthood are numerous in the Catholic Church, albeit illegal, however that has not stopped the ‘priestly traditions’ continuing over the centuries.
  8. Sell your body. This advice mainly applies to women, however if you are male, you can sell your arse as well. The flourishing sex industry in the UK can be a real earner but at the end of the day soliciting is illegal. The bonus part of this though is that if you are jailed, you will be guaranteed three hot meals, a warm cell and plenty of drugs in prison. (see number 3.)
  9. Go dumpster Diving. Every day, thousands of supermarkets dump millions of pounds worth of edible food in their bins. All you need to do is go rummaging in the bins to get some top-notch free food. Again, this is illegal in the UK and anyone found rummaging for food in a supermarket bin is arrested by the police.
  10. This is the hardest one of all. Find a plot of land, buy it, then build an eco-sustainable farm with solar power, rain water collection and grow your own food. You can keep chickens and other livestock, and live a fruitful, fulfilling life off the grid completely.

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