People who build homes on floodplains or even worse live in them, could build docks in their driveways for boats to be used for daily use, the Environment Agency has revealed.

“If you want to go to your local chippy or to the pub for a pint, all you need to do is swim to the dock, get in your boat and you’ll be as happy as Larry, even though your home will be under six feet of water,” Martin Fisher, an Environment Agency spokesman told the BBC on Monday.

Building homes on floodplains is not only foolish and a statement of greed by irresponsible property developers, but a testament to the utter folly of government agencies who are meant to protect the public.

“Here, listen to this. I am going to sell you a property on a floodplain that you will not be able to insure, to sell, or live in. Thank you for your money,” a jubilant Lincolnshire estate agent said to one poor sucker out house hunting.

It’s all okay though. The local councils where these properties are built on floodplains are adamant that the idea of each ruined property having a dock for a boat will solve the problem.

Barney Fiddle, a councillor for Doncaster council in Fishlake said: “I think the clue is in the name of this floodplain, er..it’s called Fishlake. What more clues do you need before building a home in this area?”