17.7 C
London
Thursday, March 28, 2024
secret satire society
HomeWorldOprah Winfrey Uncovered as Russian Spy

Oprah Winfrey Uncovered as Russian Spy

CHICAGO - USA - American chat show host, Oprah Winfrey has been arrested on suspicion of being a Russian spy for over 30 years, the FBI has disclosed.

buy squib book

Ms Winfrey was arrested late yesterday
evening
in the world famous Harpo studios where she films her Oprah series.

“We have detained Oprah Winfrey on suspicion of passing US recipe secrets, celebrity gossip and sob stories featuring disadvantaged families to the Russians. Things like how to make a great Pecan pie, and what Tom Cruise’s pre-show scientological exercises are. Ms Winfrey was arraigned today and will be held at an undisclosed location until we review her case,” Special agent Dean Cloggs, of the FBI told CNN.

In a statement, the US Department of Justice said that Oprah Winfrey had been living under an assumed name. Her real name is Ivana Tolstak and she hails from Kozhukhovskaya, a Moscow suburb. According to FBI files, Ms Winfrey also drinks copious amounts of vodka everyday and it is this trait that gave her away.

“We just followed the vodka trail and it led straight to Oprah. I’m not shitting you, she downs about two or three bottles of Streletskaya a day. She was caught covertly relaying sensitive information to Russian agents with the use of advanced steganography software to encrypt messages and hide information on public websites. Our agents also uncovered notes on how to interrogate her celebrity guests on the shows and don’t forget the cash we found in her luxury apartment. Yes, we found over $500 million in cash stuffed under her mattress along with launch codes for US silos holding nuclear missiles all over America. Dang, it’s a good thing we got to her before she caused all out war,” Mr Cloggs said.

Millions of Americans were in mourning today after the terrible news was revealed: “I can’t believe she was a Russkie spy. Hell, she was so nice and loving. Every day I’d watch her shows. If she’s a traitor, they should put her in an electric chair on her own goddamn show. God bless America,” long time Oprah fan, Amy Lou Dumper, from Chicago told CBS.

  Daily Squib Book

  DAILY SQUIB BOOK The Perfect Gift or can also be used as a doorstop. Grab a piece of internet political satire history encapsulating 15 years of satirical works. The Daily Squib Anthology REVIEWS: "The author sweats satire from every pore" | "Overall, I was surprised at the wit and inventedness of the Daily Squib Compendium. It's funny, laugh out loud funny" | "Would definitely recommend 10/10" | "This anthology serves up the choicest cuts from a 15-year reign at the top table of Internet lampoonery" | "Every time I pick it up I see something different which is a rarity in any book"

6 COMMENTS

  1. why o why would she even go that low to betray her own country, i figured she got an American accent those spies are good at faking it but i thought she was one us instead she was spying?

  2. YALL TALK SHIT OPRAH AINT A RUSSIN SPY! BITCH NIGGA BETTER STOP SPREADIN WAK LIES OR THEYLL B PAYBACK TIME BIOTCH1~~

  3. I still don’t understand what that drunk fat hoe would have to gain from this spying.

    She was rich enough & didnt need the dough.

  4. I think this is unbeleivable. How did she get away with it for so long? What’s next tho ? What if Jerry Springer is an assassin for mossad ? U ever consider that? These days i dont know what to believe anymore.

Comments are closed.

- Advertisment -
daily squib FB Group
daily squib FB Group
daily squib FB Group
daily squib FB Group

NEWS ON THE HOUR

curtis-press
curtis-press
curtis-press
curtis-press

MORE NEWS

THE DAILY SQUIB ANTHOLOGY

The definitive book of Juvenalian satire and uncanny prophesies that somehow came true. This is an anthology encompassing 15 years of Squib satire on the internet compiled and compressed into one tiddly book. Buy the Book Now!

Translate »