Daily Squib Newspaper EXCLUSIVE
The real truth about Pete Doherty and how he has fooled the media and his group of fans for so long.
On the outside Pete Doherty appears to be a crusty, smelly, drug-addled, talentless whiner with horrible teeth and greasy hair matted with oil and dandruff.
With skin blemished with scars, acne, bruises from falling down and nostrils dotted with white specks of cocaine, Pete Doherty looks like a right royal mess. His arms are pockmarked with needle marks and his pallid flesh resembles an old man’s torso lying atop a cold hard mortuary slab.
By looking at Pete Doherty’s druggy image the public would not be wrong in thinking that he only has two or three years left to live. This is where you are all wrong!
The Truth Revealed
For the past few years Peter Doherty has taken to donning a walloping amount of makeup each morning before he ventures from his so-called ‘drug den’.
Makeup artist June Rimbaud has revealed that her job was to make Doherty look like a dishevelled junkie so that he could sell even more of his atrocious albums.
|June honed her makeup skills working under the tutelage of the legendary SFX genius Tom Savini|
“They told me to do it. I was paid well for it and could not turn it down. Their assumption was that if people thought he didn’t have much longer to live because of his errant junkie ways they would be more likely to buy his awful music. It’s worked so well that Amy Winehouse’s manager just called me up the other day and asked me if I could paint some mysterious looking bruises on his client’s face. So far it’s worked like a charm and the tabloids have jumped all over Amy’s swollen and bruised features.”
Looks like the PR people were right. Without Doherty’s druggie image he would probably not be able to shift many of his whinging albums off store shelves.
To date, using the Doherty drug image, he has sold roughly 60,000 albums over a period of five years which is considerably more than he would have done with a clean image.
Pete Doherty has been revealed to be a clean-living vegan who spends 3 hours exercising every day and is a staunch teetotal anti-drug practitioner.
His daily regimen involves getting up everyday at 4.30 am and jogging for five miles. He then heads to his home gym for a further gruelling hour of hard exercise. His nutritionist is usually at his house by 5.30 where they discuss in detail his daily meal plan so that his private chef can prepare the fresh ingredients for his macrobiotic diet in time.
The makeup artist comes to his house at 6.00 am where Doherty undergoes a lengthy makeup session that lasts four hours and includes the use of Hollywood style prosthetic technology.
Pete Doherty’s druggy look is so realistic that he has even fooled his parents and close friends.
The clothes that Pete wears for his daily music appearances are carefully soaked in urine and fresh faeces, usually acquired from the local betting shop toilets.
Pete Doherty has been revealed to be a total fraud and his fans will now be furious with his deception.
“I ain’t buyin’ ‘is fuc*ing music anymore. He’s clean is ‘e? We’ve been cheated!” a disgruntled ex-fan told us yesterday.
The game is over Pete Doherty. You have finally been rumbled.