17.7 C
London
Wednesday, May 22, 2024
secret satire society
HomeSci/TechWhen There's No More Room in Hell the Dead Shall Walk the...

When There's No More Room in Hell the Dead Shall Walk the Earth

TAMPA - USA - You could be mistaken to think you have awoken inside a George A. Romero film and the zombies are ambling around the streets eating people's faces off all over America.

You just woke up in a cold sweat, no, you weren’t dreaming when you thought you saw news stories about flesh eating zombies in America, these are all real occurrences and things could get a lot worse soon.

“This could be a government experiment gone wrong. Shit, Florida state could be like something out of Resident Evil or a George A. Romero movie. Hell, I’ve seen some towns that look exactly like Raccoon City. You just need to shoot them in the head, that’s the only way to stop them,” Thomas Savini, a resident of Dodge Ville, in Tampa, Florida told the Tampa Argus newspaper.

First came Miami, when a crazed naked man ate a homeless man’s face, nose and ears up while horrified onlookers gawped at the incident in terror. Then a Texan mother killed her newborn baby, eating part of his brain and biting off three of his toes. Then in Maryland, a college student killed his roommate , eating his heart and part of his brains.

New Jersey, was the site of another incident where a man stabbed himself over 50 times then threw bits of his intestines at dismayed police officers. Even after pepper spraying him and tasering him countless times, it took twelve officers to subdue the man. Most recently, a Louisiana man, Carl Jacquneaux, ate part of a man’s cheek during a robbery before being finally being handcuffed by the police, and on Saturday, a homeless North Miami Beach man threatened to eat police officers who told the man to stop harassing customers at a local market.

The Center For Disease Control (CDC) have refuted the rumours and news reports that a zombie apocalypse is on the way, but can we really be sure about that?

Scientists at Bradford Ingles University in Alabama have found that with certain engineered airborne viruses, the primal R-Complex in the brain can be activated. This is the most base primal part of the brain which only deals with survival and food. It is no wonder that these individuals are chomping away, because it is their survival instinct being activated by something.

There are further triggers for this cannibalistic behaviour and the daily news of economic meltdowns worldwide do not help in any circumstances as the internet age has made the spread of news instantaneous around the globe.

Some people have even speculated that the disease is related to African Americans because they’re mostly the only ones committing these acts of cannibalism.

However, scientists have been quick to refute the fact it is an act only constrained amongst the African American populations.

Professor Harkin of Jonestown University, said at a recent press conference: “All the cannibals who ate people’s faces and flesh were of African origin. Although we have looked at the many variables into these incidents, we cannot emphatically be 100% sure that it is something that only African Americans do, until we have more cases similar to the ones we have already had, we should not jump the gun. There are many tribes in Africa who used to partake in cannibalistic rituals and lifestyles, but as of today, we do not think they practice anymore. This cannibalism outbreak could affect many people of different racial backgrounds, so we need to stay calm people. These are also not technically zombies, because the people eating other people are still alive themselves, if they were undead, then they would be called zombies, but otherwise they’re alive.”

The CDC is looking into ways of counteracting the latest outbreaks of cannibalism within America, and will come up with a new study on the subject by July.

President Obama was also quick to point out that these were only minor incidents and at the slightest sign of an outbreak he was going to be taken down into the bunker underneath the White House quicker than ex-glamour model, Katie Price, takes her knickers off in a nightclub toilet cubicle.

  Daily Squib Book

  DAILY SQUIB BOOK The Perfect Gift or can also be used as a doorstop. Grab a piece of internet political satire history encapsulating 15 years of satirical works. The Daily Squib Anthology REVIEWS: "The author sweats satire from every pore" | "Overall, I was surprised at the wit and inventedness of the Daily Squib Compendium. It's funny, laugh out loud funny" | "Would definitely recommend 10/10" | "This anthology serves up the choicest cuts from a 15-year reign at the top table of Internet lampoonery" | "Every time I pick it up I see something different which is a rarity in any book"

1 COMMENT

Comments are closed.

- Advertisment -

NEWS ON THE HOUR

curtis-press
curtis-press
curtis-press
curtis-press

MORE NEWS

THE DAILY SQUIB ANTHOLOGY

The definitive book of Juvenalian satire and uncanny prophesies that somehow came true. This is an anthology encompassing 15 years of Squib satire on the internet compiled and compressed into one tiddly book. Buy the Book Now!

Translate »