Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas

The Daily Squib American Holiday Competition is giving away 100s of free holidays to our lucky readers to the amazing destination of America.

Yes, you read that correctly, this is not a joke, you and your family can jet off to any American city that you choose to enjoy a two-week holiday — if you survive that long.

Imagine jetting into the fabulous city of New York, where you can shop to your hearts content and not pay a penny for anything. Dine at the finest restaurants for free, just put a brick through the window and you can sit at any table you want to enjoy the amazing food and booze.

Need a place to stay? Forget American Express, a baseball bat, and a mask is all you need. Stay in the penthouse suite and order up room service from a frightened waiter. You don’t have to tip the fucker either, a gentle reminder on his noggin with the bat will do the job.

If you can take a walk in Central Park without being robbed or beaten to death, then why not attempt to amongst the marauding gangs and chillaxing police who won’t move from their positions even if they see someone being clinically dismembered in front of them.

One thing you have to take care of though is insurance, because the Yanks don’t have an NHS. When you inevitably get severely injured in America, like your legs get shot off, or a stabbing in your groin, they will first ask if you can pay or have the right type of insurance. If not, they send you to the back of the queue despite blood spurting from your severed carotid artery all over the fucking walls, then eventually send you off to a poor person’s hospital with no doctors where you will most probably die.

How about Los Angeles, cruise Rodeo Drive and drive your stolen vehicle into one of those posh shops like Gucci or something? Unfortunately, the shelves will all be empty because the looters have already taken everything, never mind, next best thing why not pop over to the Hollywood Hills, or Malibu and invite yourself into some Hollywood star’s mansion. Just drive through the gates and enjoy a free swim in their pool as they call for security that never comes.

Anyway, we will be giving away 100s of free tickets, and you will be landing at a prestigious American airport whilst it’s on fire soon to enjoy your one time holiday.

To enter the American Free Holiday Competition, please send a stamp addressed envelope to: USA Hol. Comp., P.O. Box 2436, Covent Garden, London, WC2E 9DD. You can also call this number: 08989 6969696 (Calls charged at £67,467/minute, be prepared to be on the call for 15 minutes)