Chief organiser Simon Reeves told the BBC: “The riff raff community have been priced out of Glastonbury for too long – It is class discrimination. Our festival tends to appeal to the middle class camping and picnic enthusiasts who enjoy the ‘background music’ as an afterthought.
“Teenagers bring their parents to the event and hold balloons and pirate flags as they dance to acts such as Olly Murs, Mumford And Sons, and Kenny Rogers. Rock n’ roll was never meant to be like this. These festival goers are square. You will never see them try to unblock a toilet with a golf club.
“As from 2018 we are encouraging every filthy new age traveller with a scruffy dog on a piece of string to attend. They may be smelly feckless scum parasites, but they are genuine music fans.”
Acts to appear next year include:
The Slop Tit Jazz Orchestra,
The Shit Hole Vomit Duo,
DR. Puss And The Bollocks,
The Sewerage Anus Blues Band,
Urine Disco Stars, and
Snot And The Blow Up Doll Nuns.
A copulating tent is available, and the oven cleaning fluid Mr. Muscle will be provided to snort in the class A+ recreational drug tent.
The event this year will be free admission – all the organisers ask is for a small donation for condoms that will be passed around to be re-used to save costs.