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Obaminoid Aliens From Outer Space Could Invade Earth at Any Time Say Experts

“We have reason to believe that there are Obaminoid aliens out there waiting to invade earth. Our analysis is that these creatures come from a planet 30 million light years from earth. They are highly advanced humanoid organisms and even have the ability to shape shift,” Professor of Molecular Astro-Physics, Jeb Bullworth, told the Space Science Journal.

The scary findings could develop into a major threat to Mankind some time in the future.

“Well, they could be here already. We know they shape shift. If this is the case they could cause enormous amounts of damage to our infrastructure without us even realising who’s doing it. Like what if one of these creatures somehow became president of the United States and started causing all sorts of mischief,” the professor added.

According to the lab’s research which has been ongoing for the last four years, the Obaminoids don’t like civilian humans to be armed, and they also don’t like humans to be free. They utilise a system of complete control and want to enslave humanity so they can carry out their sordid deeds.

“We’ve analysed data from many sources and are now 110% sure Obaminoids exist. It’s just a question of proving it to the science community now with more reports and presentations with factual scientifically gleaned evidence,” the professor surmised.

Man 87% Certain of Breaking Leg Chops it Off

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“I was reading about that actress Angelina Jolie mutilating her body just because some quack told her a nonsense statistic, so I did the same thing, I chopped off my frickin’ leg,” the man told Fox news on Tuesday.

The man said he was happy to do the amputation if it meant his leg never broke.

“At least I won’t break my right leg,” the man said hobbling around on crutches before falling and breaking his left leg.

There have been appeals from sane people around the world to put a stop to the sheer madness of predictive body mutilation as well as celebrity endorsements of the stupid practice.

Cameron: Yes No Yes No Yes No

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“You the people will be forced to vote Yes No on the ballot sheet for the In Out EU referendum,” the PM said from 10 Downing street, twitching uncontrollably.

The referendum will be written into law next week and will ensure that everyone in the UK doesn’t have a say in the In Out EU referendum.

According to Cabinet insiders, the In Out EU ballot paper will consist of a simple box with a ‘yes no’ after it.

“I’m confused,” a member of the public said to a BBC crew in the streets of Harrogate, Yorkshire, today, when asked about the In Out referendum.

Boris Johnson, the London Mayor said: “In, out, in, out, in, out, just don’t tell the missus about it.”

Insane French Socialists Put Taxation on Revolution

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“I have today put into law a tax on revolution. This will be in addition to a tax rise of 95% on lemons, women’s breasts, pissing and farting,” he said to Ministers at the French parliament.

The taxation on revolution is an affront to French sensibilities and has been denounced as unpatriotic.

“I find it crazy that a socialist like Hollande would put a ridiculous tax on something like the French Revolution which in itself was a piece of socialist theatre. What’s next a tax on socialism? I know we are bankrupt and desperate for some bloody money but this is preposterous,” an angry socialist said from the steps of the parliament today.

Since Hollande came to power he has enraged millions of French people and destroyed all business in France with his massive tax rises and complete ineptitude.

“Hollande is insane. He is acting like king Louis XVI and soon his head will be in the guillotine and we do not care if he taxes us for that,” another enraged Frenchman shouted during a march in Hôtel de Ville on Monday.

Man Shoots Obama Birth Certificate From Tree

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“I was just emptying clip after clip in all directions. I love doing that, and I saw a piece of paper flutter down from the trees,” Earl Waskowitz, 43, from Janeville said of the amazing find.

There’s only one problem though, the birth certificate has so many holes in it now that forensic document experts may have a hard time piecing the pieces together.

President Obama, who was busy meeting the British PM in Washington today, did not comment about the find but maybe this is one time he will be happy about gun play.

Lindsay Lohan Enters Rehab in Rehab

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“She needed a break from rehab so she is now getting rehab from rehab, which is an extra area actually in rehab,” a spokesman for Eldridge Rehabilitation Services in Los Angeles told Entertainment Weekly.

No one knows what goes on if you enter rehab in rehab because it is a heavily guarded secret. Only a few celebrities have ever got to that level of rehab.

“You know take Charlie Sheen, multiply that by 10 million and add a dose of Amy Winehouse, and you might get slightly close to the levels we’re talking here,” a celebrity commentator for TMZ revealed.

Viva Espana Get Your Pesetas Out Now Hombres

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“If you are a British expat, get your money out yesterday, if you are Spanish, get your money out sooner than yesterday, if you have a property in Spain, try and sell it, although I’m afraid you may be mierda out of luck with that idea, how can you sell something that is pretty much worthless now and will be even more worthless soon when the debt maelstrom hits?” an insider from the Spanish Finance Ministry told a Spanish business journal.

What happened in Cyprus is destined to happen in Spain soon therefore it seems the wheel of misfortune turns its weary cycle over the troublesome euro waters daily, churning away leaving frothing sewage water in its cumbersome wake.


As the Eurogroup President, Jeroen Dijsselbloem said, that “if necessary the uninsured deposit holders” will be gored by the bull’s horns and thus there is the rub, there is no chivalry left in Espana as Don Quixote has been kicked firmly in the cojones by his trusty squire’s donkey; Picasso would surely have crafted a diabolical sculpture of a deformed woman to represent the broken euro and Salvador Dali would have simply shat in a purple bucket standing on top of a lobster, as for Gaudi, his representation of the euro would be a pile of ceramic rubble.

“Spain is the big one for the euro. When Spain’s banks need to be recapitalised again, you can simply kiss your bank deposit goodbye. Especially with Spain’s unemployment currently at 26.7% things are definitely not getting better for people. There may very well be real bloodshed when the country’s economy collapses completely under its soon to be massive 110% gross debt of GDP,” an economist said from the UK.

New BBC Celebrity Retirement Home Unveiled

“You may be wondering where all your favourite BBC personalities from the sixties and seventies go to when they retire. Well, with a little help from TV licence payers and Her Majesty’s Pleasure here it is..da, da-a-a!!” a BBC spokesman said at the unveiling ceremony.

The state of the art building has all the mod cons, 180 foot high walls, barbed wire, armed guards and each retired BBC male personality gets their own special room which has bars on the windows and a heavy steel door that needs a special key.

“We put them in their special retirement rooms and keep them there for 23 hours in the day. They do get to watch a little TV of course, we pipe through re-runs of the shows they were in when they were at the height of BBC fame. We serve them some hot slop, usually porridge, and they get a bucket for their ones and twos,” one of the wardens, Ron Barker revealed.

A newly arrived retiree was rather jovial about his BBC retirement home: “I tried really hard to get that gig for her Majesty at the Palladium in the Seventies but my jokes just coudn’t cut it, but it seems I’m right here now at Her Majesty’s Pleasure..anything else would just be nonce sense..”

Kerry Katona Cocaine Day Loan Ad Banned

Ms Katona, who promoted frozen food retailer Iceland whilst snorting copious amounts of cocaine, talked about her former “cocaine troubles” in the TV ad. She was declared bankrupt in 2008 after sniffing up half of Peru with her fat bloated pig-like nostrils.

The ad for the Cartagena Ad Agency, trading as Coke Lady, drew 43,654 complaints that it was irresponsible because it focused on Ms Katona’s cocaine sniffing problems and encouraged people in similar situations to borrow money at ridiculously high interest rates to buy more cocaine.

The ad featured Katona saying: “We’ve all had money troubles at some point, especially when you can’t pay your dealer. You could see your bank and fill in loads of forms, give your dealer a blowjob for a few grams, nick something and sell it, but there is an easier way to get a loan … So if you need extra cash for a snoot go to http://www.cokelady.co.uk. Fast cash for fast coke.”

The Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) also challenged whether the advert was misleading and irresponsible because it promoted itself as an alternative to banks while offering an APR in excess of 8,000pc.

Coke Lady said Ms Katona was selected for the ad because she is utterly brainless, deficient of intelligence and is an irresponsible bat-shit crazy moron who puts her kids in danger with her every action.

It said its loans were limited to £300 and were aimed at those experiencing relatively low-level short-term financial difficulties with paying for hard drugs.

Ms Katona featured in the Daily Telegraph’s Money Fame & Fortune series in January, saying she was reformed from her days of profligate spending.

She said: “In a way I was glad I got made bankrupt because it got my dealer off my back but then I..I..got this ad job and I’m in the same old shitty mess again. Sniff, sniff.”

Free Internet Wild West to be Finally Taxed and Shut Down

“As in everything, the authorities first wait until the Wild West Frontier towns are established, then when everyone’s comfy, the real law men ride into town and the tax men get down to making some real money,” a man who remembered the old internet said.

You may notice how free news sites are now under pay walls, free videos you used to watch are now subscription only and everything you purchase has now got a massive internet sales tax added to it. Well, you’re not dreaming, this is the new internet, the controlled one where free speech and thought are punished severely.

Copywriters and advertisers have made sites like YouTube unusable and social networks are there purely to farm user information to sell to third parties and governmental agencies.

“Not only are they shutting down all forms of free speech, they’re now monitoring and logging your every search query and action on the internet. With the shutting down of all freedom comes the taxation and tracking of all online transactions. Looks like the free internet was too good to be true,” a disappointed former internet surfer revealed yesterday.

Maybe someone some day will create a new internet where freedom will reign once again.