Anheuser-Busch InBev has changed marketing leadership for Bud Light in the wake of losing a whopping $7.4 billion in market cap and a huge loss of sales across America tainting its brand forever after the controversy over the brand sending a can to gay transgender influencer Dylan Mulvaney with his face on it.
“I was talking to Dylan on the phone in my plush new office about the joys of inclusivity and how losing $7.4 billion for Anheuser-Busch is like a walk in the park. It’s like a beautiful journey where the beer brand is now totally tainted, ya know like a big fat dingleberry that no one wants to touch. Well, some man walks in and says I was fired! Excuse me, I’m on the phone here to our favourite son of Bud Light I said. The man took my phone and dropped it on the floor then crushed it slowly with his cowboy boot. Oh ma gawd! Just, ohmagawd! This is not inclusive behaviour!”
No one in line at the Bud Light booth at the Morgan Wallen concert In Louisville, KY last night pic.twitter.com/iFqrWrdb5y
— Elizabeth Thompson (@lizthompson1976) April 22, 2023
Alissa Weinerscheisse, marketing VP for the brand since June 2022, was put on permanent leave of absence, the brewer confirmed, and will be replaced by some dude called Todd, who was most recently global marketing VP for Budweiser.
“I was then escorted to the car park by two burly guards who threw my children’s drawings I had on the wall in my office in the back of my car. Oh, and they forgot my special Dylan Mulvaney Bud Light can in the office. I asked them for it, and they told me that those cans will all be crushed out of existence. I cried, and I cried and this is all happening while I was transitioning to be a man. I already picked out a prosthetic cock and balls from my area trans shop.”
It’s not all downhill for Weinerscheisse though, his new pronouns will be he/they/zee and he plans on starting his own manly trans beer brand for America with Dylan Mulvaney called “Inclusive Light”. The new beer will only be marketed to 0.0003% of the US population, but will be certified ‘inclusive’.
“My woke handler and life coach, who tells me how to think and act, was very supportive. She congratulated me in doing a great job in killing off some white man’s beer. The brand is now untouchable and will probably never recover again.”
Alissa Weinerschnitzel is also authoring a new book called: “How to kill a brand built up over 160 years – in a fucking week”
Don’t forget, folks, keep on truckin’ with that Bud Light Boycott…