‘Middle East Peace Process Going Well’ Says Blair

"I'm on a mission from God" - Tony Blair

LONDON – England – Middle East peace envoy and ex-Prime Minister of Britain, Tony Blair is revelling in his success at bringing lasting peace to the Middle East.

Since leaving his post as British Prime Minister, the right honourable gentleman, Tony Blair has embarked on a mission from God to bring peace to the Middle East.

There is only one small detail that has not been addressed yet. The only ‘God’ Tony Blair recognises is green and comes bundled in brown bags and stuffed under mattresses.

“Tony charges a very reasonable £275,000 per hourly speech. He will discuss how he plans on bringing long lasting peace to the Middle East and solving the Palestinian issue with Israel. He can fly anywhere to give the speech and of course expects you to pick up the tab for the first class tickets, hotel and transport,” Mr Blair’s PA, Gloria Mulrooney told the Daily Squib.

To date, Mr Blair has amassed about £28 million from his speeches as well as £1 million from JP Morgan as a yearly starting salary, a book advance of £6 million and Zurich Financial Services consulting job totalling £2 million per annum. His properties in London’s Connaught Square and Buckinghamshire are valued at £15 million. His yearly pension of £125,000 is a mere drop in the ocean compared to his daily earning power.

During his appointment as Peace envoy to the Middle East, Mr Blair has been to the the region more than twice and his efforts to bring everlasting calm to the region have been very effective.

“The Middle East is at peace. Since Tony Blair came along everything is wonderful here. You can hear birds chirping in the trees, the sky is blue and everyone has a smile on their faces,” Yassir Mahmoud, a resident from Gaza attested from his pile of smouldering rubble.

Mr Blair also regularly emails officials in Gaza from the comfort of a private jet or his armchair in his London home and has been very vocal on the Middle East peace process.

“I was appointed for this role for a reason. To bring peace to the Israeli and Palestinian people. I feel I have achieved this role. It has not been easy simply because of the complexity of juggling all of my other money-making appointments and endorsements. My filo fax is full to the brim with speeches, bribes, endorsements, satanic money rituals and we mustn’t forget the luncheons. Nevertheless, one must realise that my appointment has indeed brought peace to the Middle East. Just look at Gaza, it is now equivalent to the French Riviera in the Middle East. Cherie and I are even considering buying a luxury penthouse there soon.”