10 Tips to Surviving in Modern Day Britain Under Labour

Surviving in Britain has never been easier with the Daily Squib's survival tips to help you get through every day

The Daily Squib has compiled 10 ways you can survive the slings and arrows of outrageous credit crunch in Gordon Brown’s living paradise.

With the economic downturn, increased taxes, increased fuel taxes and high oil prices, increased council taxes and bin taxes, increased food costs and shortages.

The Daily Squib has compiled a way that you and your family can survive Gordon Brown’s tax hell Britain.

Britons have faced a 60% increase in fuel charges within the last four months, and there are now threats of increased interest rates as well as increased car tax, bus and train fares and reduced wages. Further increases in mortgage rates and dropping house prices have also added further woes to the beleaguered British public with negative equity about to hit 3 million households across Britain.

10 Tips for Surviving in Labour’s Britain

1. For a small outlay you can grow marijuana in your attic or spare room. This is a wonderful way of supplementing your income. If you have the right contacts you can make up to £40,000 per week tax free or either that smoke yourself into oblivion. Last week marijuana was a Class C drug, this week it is Class B and is scheduled to go back to Class C in three weeks time.

2. Persuade the wife to work in the spare room offering relief to old men and perverts. You can also sell her off to one of the many Eastern European gangs who have been invited into Britain under the Labour government or rent her out. If you can’t persuade the wife, you can always go down the docks yourself and remember to bring lots of lubricant for your arse.

3. Drop your kids off at school and leave them there. Children are a high cost to any household with shoes, clothes, toys, books and council tax.

4. Sell your pets to your local Chinese restaurant. Chinese restaurants will happily pay good money for your pet dogs and cats which can cause unnecessary outlay with pet food, maintenance, insurance and toys.

5. If you can find someone to sell your £1.7 million terraced 2 bedroom hovel in Walthamstow then simply emigrate. Thousands of Britons are emigrating every day to countries where citizens are not taxed and priced out of existence.

6. Commit a crime. Yes, you read this right. By going to prison you will not have to pay heating costs, food costs or rent. You will have a limitless supply of drugs and enjoy your own playstation console, dvd’s, satellite tv and access to full size snooker tables. You can easily be locked up for many years, simply by defending yourself when attacked by one of the many thousands of knife wielding feral teenagers roaming Britain’s streets.

7. Become a welfare leech. You will need about 12 kids and will have to walk around with a tracksuit all day scrounging fags off unsuspecting members of the public, intimidating people with your Rottweilers and bragging about your latest ASBO. Pretty easy under the Labour created ‘benefits-culture’ regime of idleness.

8. Become a welfare cheat. Under Labour’s lax laws for crime, it is easy to swindle the government out of millions per annum claiming the numerous social benefits available. In no time you will be driving around in a Mercedes paid for by the taxpayer and flaunting your huge gold chains.

9. Become a member of Parliament. Easy money, expenses paid for everything. You will never have to pay tax ever again and everything will be free.

10. Shoot yourself.