“I’m thinking of taking another taxpayer vacation, but before I do that, I want to extend my gratitude to Vladimir Putin for showing what a weak leader I am with no idea about foreign policy, I’m cordially inviting him to sign up to Obamacare. All he needs to do is sign in on the website if it’s up.
“If there is actual shooting with guns going on in the Ukraine, I may even send in some of those gay marines I appointed to quell the major war that’s about to happen. I successfully emasculated the U.S. army last year with the introduction of mandatory homosexual battalions on active duty.
“I don’t really agree with guns so I think we’ll pass on this kind of stuff. Ooh, look at this, I just got a message through that Iran is pushing ahead with their nuclear weapons program. You know that amazing deal I made with them a few weeks ago when they promised to stop making nuclear missiles, well naturally I used my special foreign policy skills to persuade them to stop doing that shit, that’s why they’re continuing with their nuclear program right now!” the president said whilst cowering under his desk.