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UAE Takeover: Daily Telegraph Journos Could Be Beheaded

LONDON - England - The UAE takeover of the Daily Telegraph has caused some concern amongst its journalists as news filtered through that they could be beheaded.

The Daily Telegraph (Torygraph) is soon to be taken over by a company funded by Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan of the UAE (United Arab Emirates). So, what will happen to the Journalists at the Daily Telegraph and Spectator once the Sheikh takes over?

“If they do not write what we tell them to write (gestures hand across neck),” one of the UAE officials revealed.

In fact, the UAE consortium is planning to bring in prominent Saudi executioner Ali bin Urhed who will have orders to sit in the Telegraph newsroom at all times.

“If I get the order it’s chop chop time. Each journalist has a waste bin at their desk, and they will be asked to kneel over the bin. That’s when I swiftly chop off their heads, and it goes into the bin. Bonk, job done. Cushty!”

Fearing for their heads, one journalist has even turned up to the office wearing a metal neck brace.

“He won’t be able to behead me that easily. Listen, I am a Telegraph journalist and I should be free to write what I want without getting my bloody head chopped off!” The journalist was later seen turning up at the office in a wheelchair with no feet.

It’s just not beheading though, Fridays will be prayer day where the entire news team will be expected to attend the local mosque, and prayer rugs will be provided for everyday prayers to Mecca.

“If you steal someone’s pen or stapler or borrow it without their permission, you are a thief, and Sharia law dictates that you should have your hands chopped off,” the Sheikh’s spokesman added.

Thankfully the Daily Squib offices are safe from such foreign interference, we are staunchly British to the bitter end and no amount of money will sway us from such mistakes.



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  1. The DT is now a socialist newspaper like the Guardian. Absolutely no difference apart from the name.

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