17.7 C
London
Tuesday, October 8, 2024
secret satire society
HomeWorldUAE Takeover: Daily Telegraph Journos Could Be Beheaded

UAE Takeover: Daily Telegraph Journos Could Be Beheaded

LONDON - England - The UAE takeover of the Daily Telegraph has caused some concern amongst its journalists as news filtered through that they could be beheaded.

The Daily Telegraph (Torygraph) is soon to be taken over by a company funded by Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan of the UAE (United Arab Emirates). So, what will happen to the Journalists at the Daily Telegraph and Spectator once the Sheikh takes over?

“If they do not write what we tell them to write (gestures hand across neck),” one of the UAE officials revealed.

In fact, the UAE consortium is planning to bring in prominent Saudi executioner Ali bin Urhed who will have orders to sit in the Telegraph newsroom at all times.

“If I get the order it’s chop chop time. Each journalist has a waste bin at their desk, and they will be asked to kneel over the bin. That’s when I swiftly chop off their heads, and it goes into the bin. Bonk, job done. Cushty!”

Fearing for their heads, one journalist has even turned up to the office wearing a metal neck brace.

“He won’t be able to behead me that easily. Listen, I am a Telegraph journalist and I should be free to write what I want without getting my bloody head chopped off!” The journalist was later seen turning up at the office in a wheelchair with no feet.

It’s just not beheading though, Fridays will be prayer day where the entire news team will be expected to attend the local mosque, and prayer rugs will be provided for everyday prayers to Mecca.

“If you steal someone’s pen or stapler or borrow it without their permission, you are a thief, and Sharia law dictates that you should have your hands chopped off,” the Sheikh’s spokesman added.

Thankfully the Daily Squib offices are safe from such foreign interference, we are staunchly British to the bitter end and no amount of money will sway us from such mistakes.

 

 

  Daily Squib Book

  DAILY SQUIB BOOK The Perfect Gift or can also be used as a doorstop. Grab a piece of internet political satire history encapsulating 15 years of satirical works. The Daily Squib Anthology REVIEWS: "The author sweats satire from every pore" | "Overall, I was surprised at the wit and inventedness of the Daily Squib Compendium. It's funny, laugh out loud funny" | "Would definitely recommend 10/10" | "This anthology serves up the choicest cuts from a 15-year reign at the top table of Internet lampoonery" | "Every time I pick it up I see something different which is a rarity in any book"

2 COMMENTS

  1. The DT is now a socialist newspaper like the Guardian. Absolutely no difference apart from the name.

Comments are closed.

- Advertisment -

NEWS ON THE HOUR

MORE NEWS

THE DAILY SQUIB ANTHOLOGY

The definitive book of Juvenalian satire and uncanny prophesies that somehow came true. This is an anthology encompassing 15 years of Squib satire on the internet compiled and compressed into one tiddly book. Buy the Book Now!