“None of it is true. I’m actually a very nice person, gentle as a kitten, here watch this,” Mr Gordon Brown then thumps his fist down on a well leafed copy of Andy McBride’s book resulting in a massive dent on the cover.
Interviewed by the BBC, he smiled awkwardly then proceeded to strangle someone off camera because they looked at him all funny.
“I never knew what Damien McBride was doing, and neither did Balls. How could we know these things when he was in the same room as us when we ordered him to surgically liquidate members of our own party and other political rivals? This is totally preposterous and uncalled for, here have a sweetie you stinking fascist journalist pig.”