Before you arrive at the hotel, there’s only one small problem, how to get into America unnoticed?
Our Muslim travel guide for a Trump USA has been compiled after immense amounts of research and travelling.
Our Islamic traveller flew from Abu Dhabi to Rome hanging on the plane’s undercarriage. He received a little frostbite on his fingers and lost four, but otherwise was fine.
Once reaching Rome’s Da Vinci airport, he quickly stowed upon another plane headed for the United States, and the beautiful Big Apple, New York city.
The luggage bay our traveller stayed in was delightful, the temperatures sometimes dropped to minus 15 Celsius, but thanks to him stowing himself safely in a trunk, he did not suffer the cold as much.
On touch down in New York, it was easy for the Muslim to exit the aircraft once the baggage doors were opened, and the luggage was thrown onto a transport carrier.
- The Flyover Boutique Hotel – This hotel is exclusive in that it is mostly outdoors under the freeway going from New York city to New Jersey. There is no room service or valet. Located amongst many cardboard boxes and discarded needles, you will enjoy your stay in America if you can last more than the night, as thugs roam the night and drug dealers with hookers in tow work the streets.
- Under the Floorboards of Mustafa’s House – You’ll have to be quiet in this hotel as if any visitors come to the home and hear you under the floorboards you may be deported or imprisoned immediately. There is no light, food or water and you cannot play the piano.
- The Ritz Sewer Drain – When it comes to New York luxury, it doesn’t get better than this. Check in on Monday, check out on Tuesday, either in a black plastic bag, or submerged under large amounts of sewer water. There is no room service, just rats, plenty of them roaming around waiting for you to nod off.
- Gauntanamo Bay 5 Star Resort – The jewel in the crown for American hospitality to Muslims, this resort will enrapture you with delight. With daily water-boarding sessions, you will have sleepless nights on the concrete bed, all enjoyed to the delightful sounds of barking dogs. Breakfast is not served in the morning, or ever, and there is no room service, unless you call getting beaten with long sticks and tasered as some kind of service.
- The Local Mosque – If you can find one that has not been burned down by mindless evangelical Christian thugs or racist bigots, you will be lucky. There will still be some Muslims around the U.S. but tread carefully some are Christian spies, and they could lure you into a trap. Your bed for the night will be the shoe room, and don’t forget to watch out for decapitated pig heads left by friendly Americans.