Universities to Teach Degrees in ‘Unemployment Studies’

NEWCASTLE - England - Universities will be forced to give compulsory courses to all students in unemployment studies says the chief Labour education Tsar, Timmy Mallet.

It’s another A-level exam season and hundreds of thousands of new A grade students are applying to the same universities. Since Labour came into power, exams are so dumbed down that if a student can’t get an A grade then they must be really stupid.

“It’s the same thing every year, you get the universities taking in people who can’t even read or write then spitting these people out in three years time with huge debts and they still can’t read or write. They will still get A’s and degrees though because they give these qualifications away like smarties these days. All of 98% of these people will be unemployed and basically unemployable when the leave university,” John Profiterole, senior lecturer at Munters College of High Education in Harrogate explains.

Labour education officials have now found a way around the problem. Teach ‘Unemployment Studies’ as a structured three year course where students can learn about what they can do when they hit the dole offices; what Benefits they are entitled to and even how they can milk the system even further.

A recent graduate at Cambridge, who is now unemployed, had this to say about the whole system: “There’s no point in working in Labour’s Benefit created culture anyway. If you work, most of the meagre amount you make will be taxed plus you won’t get all the Benefits. If you’re unemployed, they give you money, a house, a car and you won’t have to pay any council tax or tax of any kind for that matter. The Labour regime also punishes any couples who marry, therefore it is in your best interests to be a single parent with about 5 or 6 children. You can then expect to be claiming over £3000 per week in Benefits and don’t forget, if you add on Incapacity Benefit you will be really raking it in, just say you’ve got a bad back and carry a stick around with you. No one ever checks. You won’t have to work for the rest of your life, just sit in front of your 47 inch widescreen TV and crack open another alcopop whilst watching the Jeremy Kyle Show. I got a first class degree in Unemployment studies at Cambridge. I got my degree in Unemployment in the morning and was in the dole queue by the afternoon. It was that easy.”

Next year, we will hear the same stories again.