Big Brother is Watching: Surveillance Rectal Implant Box to Track Citizens is Backed

LONDON - England - In the next episode of Labour's surveillance society, the government is backing EU proposals to have tracking boxes installed in every citizen's rectum.

Under the
proposals, everyone’s rectum will emit a constant “heartbeat” revealing their
location, speed and direction of travel as well as gaseous emissions.

The EU officials behind the
plan believe it will significantly reduce the need for other means of surveillance which are not cost effective or efficient enough.

European bureaucrats will also be able to monitor rectal congestion
and carbon emissions directly from every citizens orifice. A consortium of manufacturers has indicated that
the router device could be installed in all rectums as early as 2013.

However, privacy campaigners warned last night that a European-wide anal tracking system would create a system of almost total surveillance.

Details of the Associated Rectal Security Eye
(ARSE) project, a £360m EU initiative backed by high ranking EU bureaucrats and
the telecoms industry, will be unveiled this year.

But the Daily Squib has been given unpublished documents detailing the proposed
uses for the system. They confirm that it could have profound
implications for privacy, enabling citizens to be tracked to within a millimetre
– more accurate than current satellite navigation technologies.

“The rectal implantation device is a 4 X 4 inch box which will relay important information straight to Brussels and Whitehall and even Google. If you eat a sprout too many or let off more methane than your weekly carbon emission allowance you could be fined or even worse ordered to attend a re-education eco-gulag somewhere in Northern Britain. All it takes is one pea too many and we will know about it,” Johanne Scheisse, an MEP for Thoughtcrime told the Squib.

“It’s OK, this is for your own safety”

The device inserted into the rectum will also be able to emit an electric shock into the anal sphincter nerve if any citizen is found to be doing anything against the law or having a Thoughtcrime against any part of the EU state.

European commission has asked governments to reserve radio frequency on
the 5.9 Gigahertz band, essentially setting aside a universal flush frequency
on which ARSE technology will work.

The Department for Surveillance said that plans to make installation of the
technology mandatory was accurate and will include implantation at birth or adulthood. However, those involved in the project describe
the UK as one of the main “state backers”. Surveillance officials in the UK have
also hosted trials of the technology by inserting the boxes into volunteers who were forced to participate.

“There is nothing to worry about”

Paul Shitstain, who manages ARSE, said: “The new system will be the future of control systems ensuring the public are surveilled at every moment of their lives… remember we are implementing these measures for your own safety so there is nothing to worry about,” he said.

Citizens can also be reprimanded for speeding offences or running in unauthorised walking zones.

The boxes that will be surgically implanted into the rectum will emit electric shocks varying from mild to very strong depending on the level of crime against the state committed by each individual.

The data collated by the boxes would be picked up by detectors at the roadside, in the home and mobile phone towers. Data
will also be sent to “control centres” that manage citizens, enabling a
vastly improved system to monitor and control humans.

“A controller will know where all citizens are, what they have eaten, what their mood is and even where they
are headed,” said Shitstain. “Once we know all this data we can mete out the necessary punishments if needed.”