17.7 C
London
Sunday, June 23, 2024
secret satire society
HomeSportsRooney Scuppered by New Contract

Rooney Scuppered by New Contract

MANCHESTER - England - Wayne Rooney has confirmed he wants to leave Manchester United, however, he has not cited money reasons but contractual complications instead.

“Rooney’s spokesman, Alan Pandersting, told the Manchester Herald that his client has a very good reason for wanting to leave Manchester United football club.”

“My client is rather embarrassed by this disclosure to his fans and the club, but he can’t write his name on the contract, for the very simple reason, he cannot read or write. He is also unable to speak coherent English, or any other language. He simply grunts, and when at home at Waynsor Castle – the mock Tudor mansion he shares with his long suffering wife – he is put in a cage where well paid servants throw raw pieces of meat at him. We are therefore sorry for Old Trafford’s loss, Alex Ferguson’s loss and the Man U fans who will bear the brunt of Wayne’s caveman ways.”

The Manchester United board of directors at one time tried to get Mr Rooney to sign the contract by dipping his hand in a pot of paint but this backfired after the twelve people holding Mr Rooney down were injured terribly in the frantic scuffle that took place in the board room.

“Rooney was like a caged animal, at one point he bit one of the directors then threw an attendant out of the third floor window. We’re even thinking of bringing in a tranquiliser gun so that we can get his signature thumbprint,” Sammo Gesticule, the club’s injury specialist told the Sun.

  Daily Squib Book

  DAILY SQUIB BOOK The Perfect Gift or can also be used as a doorstop. Grab a piece of internet political satire history encapsulating 15 years of satirical works. The Daily Squib Anthology REVIEWS: "The author sweats satire from every pore" | "Overall, I was surprised at the wit and inventedness of the Daily Squib Compendium. It's funny, laugh out loud funny" | "Would definitely recommend 10/10" | "This anthology serves up the choicest cuts from a 15-year reign at the top table of Internet lampoonery" | "Every time I pick it up I see something different which is a rarity in any book"
- Advertisment -

NEWS ON THE HOUR

curtis-press
curtis-press
curtis-press
curtis-press

MORE NEWS

THE DAILY SQUIB ANTHOLOGY

The definitive book of Juvenalian satire and uncanny prophesies that somehow came true. This is an anthology encompassing 15 years of Squib satire on the internet compiled and compressed into one tiddly book. Buy the Book Now!

Translate »