Jeff Bezos, CEO of Amazon, does not do things in half measures.
The Amazon boss, not only planned to put employees in cages for warehouse work, but has gone one step further, by applying for a patent to have wheels surgically embedded into the soles of Amazon workers’ feet.
“Amazon has excelled in technical excellence and efficiency in its workers, however we feel the conversion rate of maximal productivity within the workforce can be increased by 350% when workers undergo the wheel procedure,” an Amazon spokesman revealed, Monday.
The detailed plan for surgical implantation of the wheels reveal that many of the employees will not have to actually think where to go. According to Amazon, it takes 6 seconds for an employee to look at a schedule and think about where they have to go to get a package. By shaving off six seconds on each pickup or drop, the company would save over $10 Billion per annum.
Powered by brushless motors, employees in Amazon warehouses will have the ability to travel at speeds of 26 MPH, depending on how urgent a package schedule is required. The speed and destination of the wheeled employee will also be strictly regulated, and the employee will not be able to control the device themselves.
Assuring warehouse staff, Bezos revealed that the surgical procedure will be painless, and will involve implanting the wheels into the soles of the feet with a microprocessor implant linked from the spine up into the brain.
“You won’t have to think, because the wheels will take you wherever we want and all you have to do is pickup or drop the product. The microprocessor is very powerful state of the art equipment and will guide each employee on what they have to do. Employees will not even have to wear shoes.”
Another bone of contention with Amazon bosses is the amount of toilet breaks an employee can have. This time lost is also deemed a loss in productivity, therefore each employee will be given special bags that will be fitted into their urinary tract, as well as rectum.
“You want to take a shit, or piss, just do it. You could be holding a Barbie doll for some little girl’s present but she won’t know you just took a walloping big shit, and pee at the same time. You just shaved off six minutes of productivity time lost and not only that, you can do it whilst travelling at 15 MPH.”
According to the Amazon schedule, the wheel implant codex will be implemented in January 2019, just in time for the post Christmas sales season.