What to Give the Lady in Your Life This Valentine’s Day

LONDON - England - This Valentine's Day is an important day for the woman in your life, and that's why the right gift makes a big difference.

This Valentine’s Day, is much like any past celebration of romantic love, and as a man you will want to impress upon your lady a gift to show your undying love and servitude to her feminine beauty.

This is where the right gift will bring an irresistible chill of electricity down her spine, her neck will glow invitingly, and her nether regions will align with the planets, her fragrant rose petals exuding a tantalising invitation for pollination.

(Sound of car screeching to a halt)

As if it wasn’t hard enough for men already, a new national survey has revealed that modern women are pretty much devoid of any form of romanticism these days, especially on Valentine’s Day.

Mavis Longleat, a dating consultant is not surprised in the least.

“The main focus is now on money. Just look at Meghan Markle as an example, she threw away the romantic fairy tale life of a royal princess, so she can milk Americans of their hard cash. Modern Western women want independence and equality as well as credit cards, suitcases full of cash, or fleets of Maseratis delivered to their door for Valentine’s Day.  ”

Which credit card is on the top of the list this Valentine’s Day that women want? The survey revealed that credit card gifts from men with high spending limits were desired by ladies the most. A single rose or a poem, maybe a tentative kiss, or dinner were deemed as worthless for modern women.

Valentine’s Credit Day

1) Barclays Premier Card with money back points will put a big smile on her face this Valentine’s, especially when she puts you in debt for the next twenty years.

2) HSBC credit card, comes with air miles for more long distance shopping trips and luxuriously expensive beach holidays for her pleasure only.

3) American Express Platinum credit card, after she maxes the card, she will hand you the bill, then tell you to get out.

4) Tesco credit card, the lucky lady will get points every time she uses it but the man gets no points, he might get a sniff at the nape of her dress after the third or fourth date, only after she’s cleaned out his account completely.

5) NatWest credit card, for that special Valentine’s experience. Give her a day or two to max out the card limit before she moves on to the next sucker.

Happy fucking Valentine’s Day.