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Historian: Russell Brand Wouldn’t Last Five Minutes in the French Revolution

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Prominent Cambridge historian, Professor Arthur Millard, has made some astute comments about the so-called revolutionary, Russell Brand.

“The peasants would have come in the morning to Brand’s apartment, then taken the hypocrite to the Place de la Concorde where the crowds of people would be awaiting the arrival of this charlatan. He would then be hoisted up onto the guillotine scaffold and asked whether he wanted a hood or not during the execution. The drums would be beating as the execution by guillotine was about to commence. I think in Brand’s case, last words would not have been permitted, as the crowd would not want to be there for an additional six hours. Another rich hypocritical weasel’s head would thus drop into the basket with a dull thud. One of the executioners would then lift Brand’s dripping head up to the people.

“Now this is a real revolution, not a fake one like Russell Brand is espousing to sell his bookie wookie and make more money. If Brand was a real revolutionary, he would give his book away for free. Truth be told, old Russell would not have lasted five minutes during the French Revolution, or the Russian Revolution either. It does not matter what you say, or pretend to say, either you’re rich or not. Brand is rich, he has assimilated into the system and he has already signed the contract, it was his decision to do what he did, and he cannot back out of his avarice and greed whilst preaching otherwise, especially whilst trying to trick the people with his faux aspirations of ‘revolution’.

“The real revolution only sees two things, those who have, and those who do not. Brand is in the first category, he has an offshore scheme, he has accountants who specialise in special techniques, he is a fraud trying to sell books of waffly writing with no real merit at all. The supreme trickster, when caught doth protest too much, and Brand is that person. He has been emphatically caught out, even his hypnotised followers must at some point be thinking to themselves, why am I following this pied piper, this Rasputin? The answer is because when Brand speaks he tries to appeal to the common person, he speaks their common language, and his white powder fuelled words that come thick and fast mesmerise the easily fooled audience. If one analyses this trickster’s speech pattern one can hear the little words he emphasises at certain points in a very controlled way to bring forth his message, which always works wonders on the not too knowledgeable and weak of mind, especially when selling the product he is selling at that particular time.”

Russell Brand Stews the Trews Cuz He’s the Hypocritical Muse

Our favourite champagne socialist and consummate capitalist, Russell Brand tells his fawning audience of easily fooled brainwashed socialists what the truth is about something or rather.

“It’s all about me, me, me innit. I’ve got a responsibility I ‘ave to be on the telly and tell you a porky or three. Listen, I may be rich, worth about £16 million and siphon off money offshore so I don’t pay the tax man, but I’ve got to save the poor people, you know the ones I congregate with only in front of cameras. They’re people too innit? When I’m not dining at London’s finest eateries and bangin’ away on some tart I met five minutes ago, I like to think I’m the voice of the salt of the earth. The fact that I have a book launch party to attend with some fat walleted businessman afterwards is neither here nor there, it’s capitalism innit, it stinks but I have to pay the £8,000 per month rent and all that. How would I pay for my champagne lifestyle if I didn’t have a business adviser, accountant, offshore financier, personal stockbroker and a multitude of marketing men, public relations advisers, media analysts? I got this woman who cleans my flat every day, can’t remember her name, pay her six quid an hour, the other day I caught her nicking my £24,000 Rolex from my bedside table, I said ‘ere what you doing? She had this poor look on her face, maybe because she was poor, so I called the cops on her and had the old hag arrested for theft, just doin’ my bit for us champagne socialists. Anyway, I’ve got a board meeting in five minutes in the City, how’s about you let me get there in my chauffeur driven Mercedes.”

US Attorney Eric Holder Fired for Supporting Ferguson Protesters

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Holder was speaking at the world famous Ebeneezer Goode Baptist church, when a little man came up onto the podium and told him he had been fired and put on the Homeland Security watch list.

“Today I was fired for inciting violence!” Holder told the gathered audience. The attorney general then went on to say “You know what y’all gotta do? Let’s burn this mufugga down”.

“We will continue to loot, be violent, disrupt and burn down businesses because a cop shot a thug,” Holder said to applause.

The resulting cheers and shouts in the church left Mr. Eric Holder standing silently at the podium for almost twenty three minutes. Uniformed security officers walked up an aisle to escort the former attorney general out of the church and into a waiting police car where he was driven away.

Increase in Lightsaber Accidents Causing Concern With Jedis

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“These new lightsabers are really dangerous, not just for my opponents but for myself, I nearly chopped off my own hand,” Luke Skycrawler, told the Rebel Times.

The latest regulation lightsabers have resulted in mass injuries amongst Jedi knights across the galaxy and some purist Jedis are now harking back to the old ways.

Pass Windu, a Jedi from Tatooine, has been rummaging the robot scrap yards across the planet to find an old lightsaber, as the new regulation lightsabers nearly cost him an arm in a bar fight.

“I eventually found one, some guy named Watto, he sold me one for an arm and a leg. Give me an original lightsaber any day, even if that weird little cockroach with wings sold it to me at a massive mark up.”

 

Obama: “Neocons Will be Back”

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“Obama’s action regarding U.S. foreign policy is to ensure the Neocons gain power in 2016. What he is doing is a reverse psychological advance play which causes Americans to ask what is going on in the Middle East? The American people are used to their government going to war at the drop of a hat, and yet here is Obama dismantling every notion they are used to. It’s a very simple strategy, a nonchalant attitude is adopted which leaves the people clamouring for war, it is a brilliant military strategy in reverse of the Bush administration’s sudden Gulf war which caused a lot of anti-war sentiment. When the public is against the actions of government, there is a drawback, especially when recruiting bodies for the military, the government wants people to be for war, not against it. What do the people’s opinion matter anyway? Well, when it comes to the supposed elections, there has to be some form of support from the dumbed down American population. It is better if they want war, because then they will freely give up their sons and daughters to the military machine. In any election within a so-called democratic system, it does not matter who wins an election, the people who work behind the scenes are still there, therefore the visible government may simply be a different colour, blue or red, but it’s just a different side of the same coin. This is how the fraud of democracy works, it is simply a method of bending public opinion towards a certain direction, then introducing a new president. You as a voter may think you voted, but you didn’t, because the system is designed in a relatively intricate manner which clouds the real intent of those behind the scenes. Vote Rep or Dem you get the same outcome. We want the public to clamour for war, to scream it from the roof tops, because then we will send your kids to have their legs blown up by IEDs in some dust riven shit hole.” Lewis Warre, a Pentagon military advisor told CNN.

The Neocon strategy will thus be, look at Obama, he pulled America from these countries and now there is a big mess. Let us, the Neocons fix this mess, all you have to do is give us your sons and daughters. Meanwhile, behind the scenes, there will be high fives around, with a big pat on the back for Obama. The big war is yet to come, you will see it, you will know what is going on, but you will be powerless to stop it because you will want it so bad.

Hail, the age of the resurgent Neocon, coming back for the final curtain call.

 

Black Friday Followed by Brown Saturday

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Psychologist Ariel Tabule, reveals his analysis: “Black Friday is a mass ritual of consumerist brainwashing wherein the controlled masses are triggered to spend as much money as they possibly can on useless junk. Naturally those who control the masses have certain techniques which I shall not divulge here, although you may have a slight understanding of the triggers they utilise to get idiots and fucking morons to part with their cash in the least dignified manner.

Brown Saturday

“This is when the idiots are at home and have had a good night’s rest. Their hypnotic state may have worn off slightly. They have by now unwrapped their purchases, and realise they have been conned. The funny thing is, it works every year, and they fall for the same tricks over and over again. Brown Saturday, look at your credit card bills, let out a large groan. Rinse and repeat next year.”

David Cameron: “When I Speak Words Don’t Come Out of My Mouth”

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The PM’s press officer always lends a hand by bringing out a little black board for him to put forward his message with some pieces of chalk.

“It’s not that he doesn’t want to say anything, it’s just that what he says is sort of meaningless and transparent, almost like some kind of insipid jelly fish,” Peter Pesseltripe, Cameron’s press officer told the Telegraph.

David Cameron’s latest speech about EU immigration was thus reduced to a few scribblings on the board.

“Election, S.O.S, Help! Deflect until after election. Pro EU plan still in place. Need to win. Appease mob first. Help!”

 

Ukip in Desperate Bid to Demolish Mosques All Over Britain

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From Lands End to John o’Groats, the mosques are infiltrating British culture, and it is Ukip’s job to put an end to it all.

“These mosques are everywhere. We have to stop this terrible encroachment upon our Christian sensibilities. I say bulldoze the lot,” Edward Sixtoes, a Ukip MP for Twittledale told the BBC.

Ukip leader Nigel Farage has put forward a plan.

“If the building has got these pointy things that stick up in the air, then it’s a mosque. Bulldoze the effing lot. Never mind if some bloke in a frock and a cross around his neck comes running out of one telling us to stop in the name of Jesus, it’s obviously some kind of Islamic trick,” Farage said standing outside Westminster Cathedral.

 

Cricketers to Get New Helmets

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Gone are the genteel days of cucumber sandwiches and the odd half arsed swing, these days bowlers are trained to deliver balls to batsmen with almost bionic strength and speed.

“It’s not like the old days. They used to call cricket the gentleman’s game, now if you get away with a fractured skull and mild brain damage you’re lucky. It’s vicious out there, especially us Aussies. Bodyline? That was sissy stuff, now we can get bowlers to bounce the ball directly into your frontal neocortex. Howzat for precision?” an Australian cricket commentator revealed on Thursday.

The new kevlar reinforced steel helmets will be issued in June 2015 for the Australian Cricket Federation. Coming in at 77 kgs, the helmets are resistant to 9mm bullets and may even save cricketers lives.

Kim Kardashian Protects Ferguson Protesters — With Her Butt

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TMZ reports that Kim Kardashian was at the Ferguson riots the other night and protected hundreds of protesters with her buttocks.

“The tear gas cannisters were coming over the top, then whoom, a big umbrella thang went over us. First we didn’t know what it was, but we found out it was Kim Kardashian’s butt, and she was catchin’ those cannisters in her ass crack. When they piled up, all she had to do was clench her cheeks and the cannisters flew back to the police. We was cheerin’ and pattin’ that thang like it was our saviour,” Krupp Johnsons, a protester on South Florissant, Ferguson revealed.

Ferguson police chief, Enos Strate, warned Kardashian to stop shielding the rioters: “One thing fer shure, good thang she didn’t eat no beans that night, coulda ignited them gases into a big ol’ explosion.”

The Kardashians, who only date African Americans, are great supporters of the civil rights movement and Kim’s panties have now been interned in the African American Museum of Heritage in South Central Los Angeles.