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Gwyneth Paltrow: “I Like to Steam My Brussels Sprout”

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The Gwyneth Paltrow kitchen is a pink temple to clean living and Hollywood celebrity fads. The actress’ many mesmerised followers always want more from her.

Speaking from the Soggy Box cafe in Santa Monica, the actress gave an account to lifestyle show, Flange, how her daily regimen is good for her health and well being: “There’s nothing like steaming. Ya know, I was looking through my warm glove box and was chuffed to find a cute little euphemistic recipe book there about steaming. I’m allowed one Brussels sprout a day so I got home and got my steamer out. A piece of wet lettuce, moist, crunchy right next to it on a plate, it was a paradise slice in a lady garden of dripping pink heaven. There were no badly packed kebabs or greasy meat curtains here stinking up the joint, just good ol’ wholesome steamed snug sprouts. That reminds me, I must have my vagina steam cleaned so it’s nice and tight.”

Next week, Paltrow will discuss how she consciously uncoupled herself from the temptations of a burrito.

Want More Free Cash? Move to Scotland

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Thanks to the Barnett formula you will get much more than the rest of the UK handed to you on a silver platter, and the best part of it is that the English taxpayers have to pay through the nose so that you can live a life of Riley.

With North sea oil pretty much worthless at the moment, and the fields nearly dry, it is only natural that the Scots look to rich England to plunder their resources.

“Aye, the English, we want you tae pay for everything, and we’re going tae bleed you scunners dry. Not only that, we want a say in your parliament so we can dictate to you bags of puss what goes on in your neck of woods. How’s about that for a kick in the nads. Now bend over and get ready for ma boot,” Scottish MP, Angus McJockstrapp told BBC Scotland.

Merkel: “Syriza, Podemos, 5 Star Movement, Will Not Stop Austerity”

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The inevitable rise of extreme left and right wing anti-austerity parties in Greece, Italy, France and Spain do not threaten Germany’s authority in the EU, and are a small blip on the economic scale, says Chancellor Merkel.

“The founder of the EU, Jean Monnet, always said that economic/political crisis would be utilised to bring ever closer union within the EU, and we precipitated this crisis. These Marxists cannot fight an entity that is both Marxist and Fascist as the EU. We have amalgamated every political doctrine into our policies and cannot be defined by left or right. The EU is a bigger technical entity than many could imagine.

“Syriza, you are part of our game, and you fooled the Greek people very well. You have ensured the enslavement of your people and you will be honoured for your trickery, thank you. Our plans are still intact.

“Podemos, now it is your turn to fool the Spanish people as the Greeks were so easily fooled. We will help you rise in secret.

“Italy’s 5 Star Movement, talking of movements, I had a wiener schnitzel last night that disagreed with my bowels, but back to the subject, you too will rise and we will help you to take over. We will feign opposition.

“In France, we have many avenues, and these will all be exploited for our gain.

“Austerity my dear sheep is simply another name for poverty, we are re-introducing feudalism to Europe. You will have smart metres forcibly installed in all properties enforcing limited energy usage, you will have rations of food, and we will introduce for your own safety, of course, internal micro chipping so that you and your children can be safe.

“As for the British, they will never leave the EU. It would be financial suicide for them, corporations are too entwined within our framework. Their politicians take orders from us, we own them whichever party they come from, including the ultimate trickster Farage and Cameron. Promises are always changed once a party fools enough people in an election.

Resistance is futile, as the insignificant sheeple voted for the EU, we will make you bleed for us, the few who are at the top of the pyramid. You deserve the government you voted for, and citizens of the EU are the most pliant mutton, easy to fool, over and over again. We look upon you with disdain and contempt, as you pay for our unlimited expense budgets. We laugh in your faces, and the funny thing is, you will never wake up, the citizens are tricked eternally.

“Please vote because it does not mean a thing, your vote is meaningless under the control of the EU, but you will never see that will you? We have two eyes, you have none, the blind people of the EU only existing in darkness.”

Sarah Palin Can’t Wait Till U.S. Election Vs Hillary Clinton

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“It’s gonna be like the Red Neck Games but with some women who think they can do politics. Personally I can’t wait,” Esparto Dunce, a political commentator on Capitol Hill told Fox news.

Buck Wild

According to election organisers, on the day of the election, a big mud wrestling pit will be constructed directly outside the White House grounds which will be made to look like Hazzard County. All the TV networks have already signed up for the 2016 Presidential All Girl Mud Wrestle Fest, current president Barack Obama will be watching, probably with much amusement, and is even urging Michelle to join in.

A mud wrestling aficionado from Kentucky, Balthazar Mulrones told Fox news: “Dang I can’t wait. I’m gonna get some rotten tomatoes to throw at ‘em. I’m rooting for Sarah Palin, she’s a wild one, but y’all gotta watch out for Hillary, a mean mangy player who don’t mind playin’ dirty.”

Russian Blyat Airlines Ready For Take Off

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When things go wrong for Russians it’s no problem, they just say Blyat, grab a vodka and get on with it.

This same strategy seems to work on the International relations front, where the Western propaganda machine has been working overtime to discredit Russia on all fronts. Just say Blyat, and get on with the job at hand.

The cabin is filling with smoke at 35,000 feet. Fuck it, have another drink.

The Russian economy has been given junk status by an American ratings agency, reach for the vodka and say Blyat. But here’s the clincher, if the Americans are giving the Russians junk status, what happens when analysts look at the real deficit of the U.S. economy? That’s actually below junk status, and if anyone knew what was really happening in the American economy there would be some serious crying in the streets.

Russians are a hardy people, very resilient, jovial, of course with a touch of melancholy and it is to this end that the Americans can throw anything they want at these Russians and they will simply keep on doing what they’re doing. They don’t need credit cards, lattes or awful banal American sitcoms, they don’t need canned laughter, just give ’em some boiled cabbage soup, a litre of vodka and a Kalashnikov.

Tories Bottling Own Urine For Election Day

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“This is not just ordinary urine, it’s Tory urine and it packs a punch. Drink this and you’ll forget you lost the election. That’s why we’re bottling tonnes of the stuff to give the Tory party faithful after the election results come through,” the PM said whilst filling his thirtieth bottle.

George Osborne, managed to fill over a hundred bottles before he took a well earned rest by drinking a bottle or two.

“You’ve got to replenish. My bottles have a certain zing to them, the flavour of Tory, a bouquet of corrupt diligence, Bullingdon buggery and Etonian cronyism,” the chancellor told the BBC crew before downing another stinking bottle himself and burping loudly.

Hoax Caller Calls Hoax Prime Minister

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“The hoax caller got through on the private line of our hoax prime minister. Luckily it was all a big hoax and no one was fooled,” Edwin Pranque, the PM’s private secretary told the BBC.

What is this world coming to? Hoax callers calling hoax prime ministers?

“Every word that comes out of my mouth is a big hoax, a big lie, therefore when I received the call from another hoaxer, I immediately knew it was a hoax and told the chap to stop playing at my game,” the hoax PM told the BBC.

American Troops in Ukraine : Cold War or Hot War?

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“At what stage does a cold war turn into full blown all out war? We may get to see a hot war soon enough as it turns out large numbers of U.S. troops are on the ground in Ukraine.

“If U.S. troops are shooting at Russians, what does that mean? Well, it could mean escalation of operations to full scale warfare between Russia and America.

“Strategically speaking, any interference by America on Russia’s doorstep is an act of war, therefore the meddlesome abilities of America could be stoking up some serious trouble. With Russia’s fully mobilised forces waiting on the borders, the American interventionist forces in Ukraine are only stoking the fire.

“No one cares so much when American stormtroopers march into some Arabian dust bowl and take over their oil wells and resources. The Arabs are usually placated with heavy doses of bullets and missiles as American thugs touting freedom and democracy break down their doors. The Russians on the other hand are a different kettle of fish, highly armed, trained, disciplined and backed by nuclear arsenals that can flatten America three hundred times over.

“So, what the hell is America doing in Ukraine? Are they trying to coerce the Russians? Are they trying to start an all out war? Are they poking the Russkie bear with a shit stick?

“These are the questions we must ask, and ultimately we may never get an answer until it is too late. Either the U.S. high command are clinically insane or dangerously reckless, whichever the answer is, unless American troops high tail their asses out of that war zone soon, the world is in for a big war, possibly nuclear.

“Watch this video below to see an American soldier in Ukraine. Of course, he does not want to be identified. He seems to be holding a weapon, and may be engaged in combat.”

Euro: Germans Getting Ready For Hyper Inflation Once Again

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The euro currency will be deemed as worthless by the end of the year, and Germans today are getting ready for the inevitable hyper inflation that will follow soon. The unbridled printing of euros solely to prop up weak Southern European EU countries may save some but at a huge cost for Germans in the long run.

“The days of the Weimar Republic are to return. I have my wheelbarrow ready for when I have to go to the shops to buy a loaf of bread,” Anders Dietler, a butcher from Liepzig told local news stations.

QE Euro Hyper Inflation

By November 1923, the American dollar was worth 4,210,500,000,000 German Marks and sadly the same pattern is occurring right now in Germany.

“Printing fake money to give to Greece so they can spend it again. Now, this is not sound economic sense, but then again, when did these technocrats ever have any? As long as they have unlimited expense accounts what do they care about the ordinary man or woman?” another distraught German said from a bus stop in Berlin.

Boris Johnson (Rambojo) Ventures Deep Into South London

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Today, we’re in search of insurgents deep in the South of Londonistan.

The Mayor of Londonistan, Boris Johnson, has decided to do things himself, a Kalashnikov, no helmet and a gut full of Chardonnay.

“This is where Jihadi John comes from and I’m going to sniff that little twerp from his hole faster than you can say amo, amas, amat,” the Mayor told awestruck Fox news reporters.

Most of the civilians in South Londonistan have now disappeared. Many have fled across the last standing bridge to North Londonistan but some, unfortunately, have died in the clashes.

Once airlifted in to the LZ somewhere near Streatham to the strains of Wagner, Rambojo, armed with an assortment of weapons including a .50 cal machine gun continued to clean out the dilapidated areas leaving many in his path no more than pieces of mince meat.

“It’s as if he’s posing for when he becomes prime minister,” a member of public said cheering on Rambojo.

There was, of course, no comment from David Cameron’s office.