The new Oxford Chav dictionary will be published next year
RUNCORN – England – A highly respected Professor of Chavology at the University of Runcorn has proposed that the English language be adjusted to include mobile phone text language and incorrect spelling.
Labour education ministers were today considering the latest proposal from a highly respected professor of Chavology at Runcorn University.
Professor Ken Smith is so proud of marking his Chavology students’ lazy nonsensical attempts at English that he has proposed the most common spelling atrocities committed by his moronic pupils be accepted as “variant spellings”.
“2b? nt2b? = ???”
The Labour government keen to carry on with their mantra spin of “Education, education, education” are seriously considering adopting mobile phone SMS text language and misspellings within the national curriculum.
“We would like to leave something for the historians to write about. Something that will remind people of the Labour legacy in our great country. This new proposal will entail re-publishing all English dictionaries worldwide to include the improved spellings,” Ed Balls, the education minister told us.
The professor has also proposed that the English language should be altered in all legal documents and medical literature as well.
The entire works of Shakespeare and John Milton have already been re-written in mobile phone text language.
“Rmeo, Rmeo – wher4 rt thou Rmeo?”
An example of the English words that will be changed have been included in an information leaflet handed out to all libraries in England and Wales. Scotland will also be updated with a new vocabulary but first linguistics experts have to try and understand what the Scots are saying before they can draft a proposal.
To start, he suggested 10 words including “arguement” for “argument” and “twelth” for “twelfth”.
There has also been calls for “shanking” to be included in the English dictionary because of the current popularity in the UK for knife murder amongst children. The rise in daily stabbings and knife murders has made the word “shank” (to stab) so popular that it is now a game on networking site Facebook.
He added: “We need to adapt to the youth of Britain. The truth is none of them can spell anymore and are more used to SMS text language than proper English, innit. My proposal is designed to make it betterer for the youth of this country to be included.”
Gramr? Wat’s dat?
Spelling Society chairman Jack Bovill welcomed the Runcorn New University lecturer’s idea: “This is a marvellous proposal by the professor and our spelling society welcomes it wholeheartedly. It is high time that the youth of Britain brought something positive to the English language.”
A-level and GCSE exams in the UK will also be altered to accept the SMS text language along with common spelling mistakes.
Labour ministers say that everyone in England and Wales is now guaranteed an A+ mark in all exams.
The exam board for England and Wales has provided an example of what is now acceptable in the English literature A-level exam.
An excerpt from Hamlet’s famous soliloquy in SMS text language:
- HAMLET: 2 b, or nt 2 b–tht is = ?:
- Wether ’tis nbler in da mynd 2 sffr
- Da slings N arrows ov outragus 4toon
- Or 2 tke rms agst a C of trubles
- N by opposin end dem. 2 die, 2 sleep–
- No mre–n by a sleep 2 say wii nd
- Da hartake, n da 1000 nturl shoks
- DAT flsh is air 2. ‘Tis a consmtion
- Dvoutly 2 b wshed. 2 die, 2 sleep–
- 2 sleep–perchnce 2 dreem: ay, dere’s da rub,
- For in dat sleep ov deth wot dreems may cum
- Wen wii av shuffled off dis mrtal coil,
- Mst gve us paws. 🙂